Monday, January 21, 2013

Bouncer Post #57

Genre: Adult paranormal romance
Wordcount: 118,000


“Reborn by Blood” is the story of Clementine, a woman in her early thirties with a broken heart, a job that is getting her nowhere and a writing block. Gifted with an unusually intense intuition, Clementine meets Ichiro, a man she created as a fictional character years ago, a man now haunting her dreams. A synchronistic encounter in a subway station leads Clementine to connect with Ichiro, a vampire haunted by two trickster spirits and a betrayal. As Clementine’s unusual intuition reveals a more powerful gift, Ichiro and his entourage are keen to help the young woman uncover her full potential with their own agendas in mind.

Through a whirlwind of lust, blood and intense emotions, Clementine will find herself faced with a heartbreaking choice between friendship, loyalty, death and rebirth by blood.

The book is intended more specifically for readers who enjoy paranormal romance and romantic urban fantasy

First 250:

There was just enough time for a quick shower, a couple of sips of coffee and a run to the subway station.

Although it was late August, outside it was already hazy and humid. The Montreal skyline was covered by a thin white film that promised another sweltering day. I found a standing spot in the subway car surrounded by a swarm of early morning commuters. Snippets of conversation in French and English didn’t quite reach the fog left from getting ready too quickly.

I was just coming out of the train, when I saw him; wearing a long black trench, leather pants and a silky indigo shirt, he was sporting black hair with highlights of a dazzling blue shade. My first thought was “I know this man.” followed by “Who wears a jacket and leather in this kind of weather?” I hated to rush in the morning, especially on a hot and sticky one.

When we passed each other on the platform, he removed his sunglasses. He had dark almond eyes. I felt the weight of his gaze following me. A quick but noticeable look of amusement showed on his face as he probably saw shock and recognition on mine. I didn’t turn back.

I walked into the offices of the Department of Education, where I worked, still shaken by this encounter. There had to be an explanation. This man just looked like a man I had dreamed and written about. It had to be a freaky coincidence.


  1. Best of luck! Your query is different than most I've seen but sometimes, different is good.

    You have a fascinating concept!! I love you simplicity of writing. It's easy to read:)

  2. I really enjoyed your first 250. The subway scene has great sensory details, and you painted a great first picture of Ichiro (I assume that's who it is).

    While I think your query contains the right information, you may want to try laying it out in a more traditional query format to see if you like it better (e.g., "When Clementine encounters Ichiro, a character she created years ago, on the subway . . . " -- that has no art to it, but you get the picture).

    Good luck! -- Monica (#69)

  3. Hi, I agree with #69 in that maybe your query might work better in a more traditional format. I found your writing in the first 250 to be very clear and I could see it all in my head, but the query distracted me with the telling format: "This is a story of Clementine..." and "Clementine will find herself faced...." maybe re-word it as "Clementine, thirty two, is recovering from a broken heart, a no-where job and writers block..." That might be kind of boring too, but it needs to be spiced up to match your writing in the first 250... Good Luck! ~#68

  4. Howdy!

    Going to jump in quickly and just agree with the above posters. I would try to the traditional format and build your query with a voice. The thing is with the query it's not so much as telling us what your story is about, it's answering those important questions (who is MC? what's the conflict? What's the resolution? what's at stake), all with a voice that you are using in your novel. You have all that there, now let it ring out with a voice!

    I feel your voice coming out in your 250 so I think if you can combine what you have in your 250 and bring it over to your query, you'll be well on your way!

    Good job and good luck!

    -Copernicus (post #43)

    1. I like the metafictional premise of your story—it made me think of the movies “Stranger Than Fiction” and “Ruby Sparks,” but with a paranormal twist. However, I think that both your first page and your query could use some editing.

      For the first page, I don’t think you need the first two paragraphs of setup. The most exciting moment is when your MC sees the man in the subway and recognizes him, so I’d suggest you start with something like “My first thought when I saw him was: ‘I know this man.’” and go from there. I see that your word count is over 100,000, which is VERY long, so another pass through your manuscript looking for extraneous paragraphs to cut may be in order.

      As for the query, I suggest that you read some more samples of successful queries online. You don’t need to say “is the story of”—just plunge straight into the action. Off the top of my head, something more like “Clementine has a broken heart, a job that is getting her nowhere, and writer’s block—until she meets Ichiro, a fictional character she created years ago” would be more compelling.

      Best of luck!

  5. Thank you for all the feedback and thank you Myrtle for your suggestions! This is very helpful!