Title: The Ravens of Chaos
Genre: Upper Middle Grade Science Fiction
Word Count: 95,000
Query
What should have been a simple trip into town to flirt
with the baker’s
daughter turns into a cavalcade of death for fourteen
year-old Kitt Faris.
After finding his grandfather’s lifeless form, Kitt
agrees to flee with
the burnt-faced Alchemist Warrick Farwander, who
promptly pulls him over a
cliff.
Forced to leave his twin brother in the clutches of
the zombie
Necromancers, Kitt returns to the city of Chaos on the
island of Atlantis;
a home he has never known. Burdened by his family’s
traitorous past and
desperate to rescue Jake, Kitt must first survive the
Challenge that would
see him banished for breaking rules he doesn’t
understand.
He’ll also have to go along with Warrick’s
preposterous notion that he
could be the new Philosopher King since it might be
the only thing keeping
Jake alive. Legend has it that the Ravens flew from
the city after the
last King was killed, so the Ravens returning on the
same day as Kitt does
give him some credibility.
Disaster arrives when Kitt fails to rescue his
brother. Jake, like all
other Sheeple on earth, sees the Necromancers as they
want to be seen;
attractive and charming, not as they actually are;
rotting zombies. After
watching Jake take part in a vicious ceremony that
leaves a young boy
blinded, Kitt flees the Necromancer city of Etherstone
with only his
grandfather’s Book of Bones as a consolation prize.
Despite its blank
pages, Kitt discovers he can hear his grandfather’s
thoughts from the
book. Armed with this new-found knowledge, Kitt and
Jake take opposite
sides in a race for control of all humanity.
First 250
The air at the top of the mountain was so still it
felt as if the earth
was holding its breath in anticipation of some massive
event. Despite
sensing something abnormal about the day, any local
would have dismissed
the idea of said pending massive event since nothing
interesting ever
happened in that part of the world. For centuries,
life near the top of
the mountain had continued on as it always had;
farmers farmed, bakers
baked, and donkeys donked.
Only recently had the routine of the mountain changed
in any way. Out of
nowhere, someone special had come to live in one of
the farmhouses just
outside of town. Truth be told there were actually two
special someones
who the gossip mongers in town had got their claws
into. These special
someones were twin brothers and about as different as
twins could be.
While Jake Faris, the older brother by just a few
seconds, was athletic,
handsome, intelligent, and charming, it was safe to
say that his slightly
younger brother Kitt was, well, not any of those
things. In fact the only
thing Kitt could do better than his brother was sleep.
Kitt Faris considered him-self an expert sleeper. He
loved to sleep. From
the moment his head hit the pillow at night, and for
as long as his family
would let him slumber, he was dead to the world.
Unfortunately, Kitt slept
in so often that he was constantly late for everything.
This perpetual
tardiness often prompted his grandfather to wonder
whether Kitt existed in
a different time zone than everyone else on earth.
I'd read it!
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept. I think your query is a bit long and doesn't really flow.
ReplyDeleteI think your first 250 should start with the last paragraph. The rest is backstory from an omniscient POV and doesn't pull me in nearly as well as the last bit. I love that last parg! There was a time I considered myself to be an expert sleeper too and this part makes me want to read on.
Thanks for the feedback. I agree that the query doesn't flow as well as it should - a product of me attempting to fit too many details into it I think. I'll give it another try (or 10 :)) For the first 250 - until recently that last paragraph was the first paragraph. I think I will have to reconsider the first two paragraphs. Thanks again!
Delete(((((((((Bill))))))))
DeleteYou would not believe how many times I've revised my query. I have a file called QueryAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! That sums up how I feel about it.
I agree with Marlene about making that last paragraph your first. He can communicate the mood on the mountain once he's up! But oh, I do love that part about how "donkeys donked". It will be even better if it's your MC's internal narrative.
Good luck from #45!
I agree that your last paragraph should be your first. It is outstanding.
DeleteI love the idea of those opening paragraphs coming from the MC's internal narrative. I just spent some time integrating those concepts into the first few pages and it worked incredibly well! Thanks for the suggestion!
DeleteThe last paragraph is back in its original home as the opening to the book - thanks for the suggestions (and for not letting me over-think things!)
ReplyDeleteHi Bill,
ReplyDeleteAs a twin, your story pulled me right in and I would definitely keep reading! (my story is also about twins so I'm biased :) ) I'm glad you moved your paragraph - it's too good not to be your first.
I think your query would be stronger if you talked about the emotional relationship between the twins before they separate (are they super close?). Also, you write, "Kitt returns to the city of Chaos on the island of Atlantis; a home he has never known." This made me pause because how can he return to a place he's never been to? This needs to be clarified.
Good Luck from #40!
I have sturggled with the query - so I think I will look at the possibility of having a greater focus on the relationship between the brothers and less about the other details. I'll give it a try tonight. Thanks!
DeleteFor anyone who might be interested,(mom? haha) here is the first 250 words before I meddled with them. Would love to hear what people think.
ReplyDelete__________________________________________________________________
CHAPTER 1 - An Unwanted Surprise
Kitt Faris considered him-self an expert sleeper. He loved to sleep. From the moment his head hit the pillow at night, and for as long as his family would let him slumber, he was dead to the world. Unfortunately, Kitt slept in so often that he was constantly late for everything. This perpetual tardiness prompted his grandfather to wonder whether Kitt existed in a different time zone than everyone else on earth.
Along with his twin brother Jake and his grandpa Balthazar, Kitt lived in an old, sloping, stone farmhouse set partway up the Andes mountain range in a remote part of Peru. The farmhouse sat midway between the nearby village of Cachora and the Incan ruins of Choquequirau. The ancienct Incan city sat near the top of the mountain and had been abandoned back in the sixteenth century.
It was no fluke that along with their grandfather’s good friend Babbage, they lived in such a remote location. The boys had always been forced to live ‘off the grid’ as their grandfather liked to put it. To their grandfather, living ‘off the grid’ meant no television, no radio, no phone, no computer and generally no contact with the outside world. Even worse, Kitt’s grandpa Bal insisted on homeschooling them. Kitt often wondered which was worse, their grandfather focusing solely on science, energy and mythological history for subjects, or Jake’s constant complaining about grandpa Bal focusing on science, energy and mythological history for subjects.
Howdy!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, yes yes yes! So glad that last paragraph is back up top. I love the descriptions and the voice.
My only worry is that the next two paragraphs feel a bit too "info dumpy" for me. You're doing a bit too much telling, and not enough showing. In a way I feel like I 'm just reading a back story. Something to consider!
I won't talk much about critiquing the query as you already start to work on it again. But just focus on bringing your voice into the query and your story will come out. Focus on the these questions - Who's the MC. What's the conflict? How does the MC resolve it? And what happens if the MC doesn't. Put that together with some glue, and bam. query letter :)
Did I mention I hate query letters? Sounds so easy yet it kills us!
Keep cracking on it, your concept is so interesting I would love to see how it turns out.
Good job and good luck!
-Copernicus (post #43)
Definitely like the 250 that you just posted better! The voice really comes out so much more! (#44)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback guys! Really appreciate it. In the spirit of keeping it simple - I have gone back to one of my earlier drafts of my query to see if that works better (please see below). Any feedback on it would be very much appreciated. Thanks and good luck to everyone!
ReplyDelete___________________________________________________________________
The Ravens have returned! What should have been a simple trip into town to flirt with the baker’s daughter instead rips fourteen year-old Kitt Faris and his twin brother Jake out of their simple lives forever.
Legend has it that the Ravens flew from the city of Chaos when the last Philosopher King was killed. Although Kitt has doubts about whether he might be the new King, can it really be a coincidence that the Ravens have come back on the same day he is returned home by the Alchemist Warrick Farwander? With his grandfather dead and his twin brother Jake taken by the zombie-like Necromancers, it is up to Kitt to confront his family’s traitorous past and use his wits to keep from being banished from Atlantis. Whether or not he is the new Philosopher King, Kitt will need to make everyone believe he is if he's going to keep Jake alive long enough to figure out how to rescue him. In the spirit of great Juvenile and Young Adult fiction, this first of five fully planned novels is a gritty and gripping story that will have you cheering for the heroic underdog Kitt Faris.
So I want to give everyone feedback, even when I don't write those magical words. I think you have a really intriguing fantasy here. Your enthusiasm comes through in the query. I can tell there are so many plotpoints that will make a great story, and I loved the element of the Necromancer-illusion and the book - very magical. I think your query needs tightening. While all those details are fabulous they made it difficult for me to focus in on your query and find the thread that would sell me on it. For the first 250, my two cents is to jump right in to the twins. Maybe some action with them, where we can see their differences rather than read about them. Loved the bit about the sleeping-expert - haha! I hope this helps and wish you all the best with your writing!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback. Even though I wasn't successful, I got a lot of great feedback and managed to revise my first 250 and my query which is great. Good luck to all those who have moved on.
Delete