Monday, January 21, 2013

Bouncer Post #49

Genre: Upper Middle Grade Science Fiction
Word Count: 60,000


When an alien race known as the Adviera abduct thirteen-year-old Gary Jones, they give him the power to move objects with his mind. Unfortunately, this cool new ability comes with a cost. The aliens repeatedly abduct Gary and force him to complete dangerous tasks alongside other Earth kids with abilities.

Under the guidance of his alien trainer, Gary must develop a symbiotic bond with her and learn to control his ability. This task becomes increasingly difficult as the aliens continually change their training regimen without warning. In order to perfect his power, Gary needs to trust the Adviera, but they are keeping secrets. The aliens believe Gary could be the key to saving their race and are grooming him to lead their war effort.

Too bad Gary wants nothing to do with the Adviera or their ridiculous demands. He just wants to finish his service quickly, so he can use his power to exact revenge on the school bully. But if Gary fails the Adviera, it’s not just the aliens who will suffer. The fate of humanity could also be at risk.

The Adviera Abductions, is an Upper Middle Grade Science Fiction novel that blends Sky High and Ender’s Game, with butt kicking aliens.

First 250:

Gary would do anything to be free of his prison guard.

Her scream pierced through his music. "Gary Elliot Jones, get down here and walk Buster before he pees on the floor. I’ve been calling you for twenty minutes.”

Ugh, Mom! My full name? How can I possibly be in trouble? It’s not like the cops picked me up again.

Spending an hour in a jail cell for property damage was long enough for Gary to know he never wanted a punishment like that again. Nonetheless, his mother’s watchful eye felt like an eternity in a cell. Now he had fifty three and a half seconds before she marched up the stairs and pounded on his door. After that came the threat to take the door off its hinges. She’d done it before and he’d hated it. He needed that barrier. With slumped shoulders, he slid off his bed and unlocked the door.

Trudging down the steps, he found his mom standing in the kitchen, arms crossed, dog leash in hand. Buster, their golden retriever, looked up wagging his tail and panting.

"It’s about time, young man." Her laser like stare threatened to cut him in two.

Gary shrugged and pointed to his ear, hoping she’d buy the excuse. With a swift movement she yanked the wire hanging around his neck and ripped out the earbuds.


  1. You have a lot of good happening here. I like the premise, I like your voice. My one comment is the lack of connection between your query and 250. Could you add something about Gary being a trouble-maker or reformed trouble maker in the query. I think that would help make the jump from alien abductee in the query to the typical teen we meet in the 250. I was also a little confused with the first sentence. The mention of a prison guard makes me think he is already abducted, but I assume it refers to his mom. I get a little more confused when you mention he was in a real jail cell. Bottom line, I think a few tweaks could eliminate the possibility of confusion. Other than those nitpicky things, I think this sounds like a fun book. I love the line " so he can use his power to exact revenge on the school bully." Good luck.

    1. Thanks so much for your feedback. Maybe I need to add a line to the beginning of the query that is something like, Gary manages enough trouble on his own but when he an alien race...

      I'll have to think about how to tweak the first 250 a bit. I don't want it to be confusing but it is a situation where he feels like he's in jail again and wants to get away.

  2. This is a lot of fun! I agree with aeriechert on the lack of connection between the boy in the query and the troublemaker in the first 250 words.

    I really, really like the third paragraph in your query and wonder if there's a way to get there faster. The comparison between being in a real jail cell and in his bedroom is interesting.

    Good luck!

    1. Thanks for your feedback. I will definitely try to incorporate some of Gary's rebelliousness into my query.

  3. Howdy!

    I do love the premise - I'm a sucker for anything remotely close to ENDERS GAME. What I love most about it, is that your whole story seems to be about Gary being used against his will to serve this alien force. That right there excites me and makes me want to dig into the story.

    I'll agree with the above comments. I don't get much of Gary's character or voice in the query. Instead it comes off more as a summary. You do manage to give us the meat of the story, but I would put myself in Gary's shoes and write the way he would describe his story (sort of like how you're doing in the first 250)

    Moving on to your 250, I love your voice so far and I love the thoughts racing through the MC's head. I for one, would love to read some more.

    Good luck!

    -Copernicus (post #43)

    1. Thanks so much for your comments. I will have to pop over and see your entry :)