Monday, February 4, 2013

Bouncer Post #120

Genre: Adult Thriller
Word Count: 75,000


Jimmy Marrone is a New York City Homicide Detective assigned to the 20th Precinct on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. In a setting where Central Park, Lincoln Center and even the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade come under his jurisdiction, he is swept into the hunt for an extremely meticulous, imaginative killer who has mastered one of the most violent video games on the Internet and brought his game out into the street.

With the first victim being the young fiancĂ© of the game designer, and the body count rising more quickly than they can hope to respond, Jimmy and his partner Deech Rosselli need to discover how the victims are selected and possibly even connected if they hope to put an end to the violence. 

With the murders being conducted in secure buildings, in moving cars in broad daylight and with victims being chosen from what seems to be totally at random, Jimmy and Deech find themselves on the dangerous path taking them into the mind of the killer who is crying out for his fifteen minutes of fame.  As questions arise to the killer’s ability to access the victims the detectives find a clue that is tied to the fate of the investigation and once again bring them back to the game. 

It is all about the game.

A NEW WAY TO DIE is my debut.  It is a 75,000-word Thriller.

First 250:

From the moment he heard the bell signaling the arrival of the elevator, his eyes locked on the doors.  He had waited for hours outside her building, and when he finally saw the light in her office darken, he knew it would be only minutes before she was stepping off the elevator to get to her car.  Almost instinctively, he re-adjusted the mask that covered his face, and slipped on a pair of latex gloves, pulling them tight so they wouldn’t fall off during the madness.
Silently, the doors slid open and a second or two passed before the pretty blond stepped from the car.  Traces of light from the low wattage bulbs made her hair glisten, an iridescent halo marking the prey as she paused on the cement pad before venturing out into the darkness.
He selected her because she fit the profile perfectly.  A powerful attorney, immersed in an extremely high-profile case, this one promised the front page the moment they discovered the body.  And then, there were the other advantages, the one he had managed to discover through the hours spent outside her bedroom window, late at night, at the moment she felt the most comfortable and the most secure.  The long golden hair pulled tightly back from her face during the day, but allowed to fall down past her shoulders at night; the voluptuous, firm body hidden carefully underneath the business suit, and the long, shapely legs that nothing could manage to hide.
His eyes stayed on her.  Riveted.  His breathing mirrored hers as he tried to limit the possibility of her sensing something was wrong and suddenly getting away.


  1. I like it. I was confused about the first 250 because at first I thought it was the detective talking but I realize it's the serial killer. Is this told from the serial killer's POV? The query really pulled me in.
    Good luck.

  2. The only comments that I have on the query are nitpicky, which means that it sucked me in and I really think it's well-written. Nitpick - starting two paragraphs with "With the". Also, I feel like the first sentence in the third paragraph is repetitive. But overall, it's very compelling and I couldn't wait to dive into your first 250. I'm wondering since it's the serial killer POV - will this be a duel POV book? Either way, love it. Very chilling!

    Best of luck!

  3. I don't read many thrillers, but the concept of yours certainly sounds interesting. Good luck in the contest!

  4. Query:
    You do a great job underscoring the suspense The first paragraph seems a little unnecessary, I think it’s better to show how he’s swept into the crimes (which you do later on) than just say so. I’d probably like to know more about the clue that they find as well, even though it might seem like you’re giving something away. I’m sure the clue is really exciting and unexpected – which is why I want to know. ☺

    First 250:
    Is this told from the POV of the killer? Because that’s awesome, you just might want to mention it in the query that there are alternating POVs since it was a little disconcerting at first.
    I’m definitely creeped out by the killer’s thoughts, so I think you did a good job there. You also made it super suspenseful right from the beginning! Way to go!

    -Karie (#115)

  5. Well reading this makes me want to run around and make sure all of my doors are locked! Creeped. me. out. In the best possible way though, because I want to read the rest of it. This is very compelling and well written. Chill bumps right off the bat!