Monday, February 4, 2013

Bouncer Post #134

Genre: Supernatural YA/NA
Word Count: 80,000


Eighteen-year-old Penelope Green was your average high school senior. She had a great family, a stellar best friend and oh yeah…she was also a descendant of an ancient race charged with the protection of the whole of mankind.

Not that she was aware of her heritage. A car accident when she was three robbed Penelope of both her memories and her parents. Adopted by the Emergency Room doctor on call that night, Penelope never thought to question her missing past. It wasn’t until a new family moves into their tight-knit Martha’s Vineyard community that Penelope began to see things aren’t exactly as they appear.

With the help of Kane, a man whose appeal both excites and frightens her, Penelope learns the history of a people she never knew existed. The Guardians were the first creation of The Divine. Seven men and women with unique abilities to heal and protect the planet they enjoyed a peaceful existence. Until the creation of Man. Jealous of the attention and privilege The Divine was giving this new race, three of the Originals turned on both Man and their fellow Guardians. Now Kane and his family were on the front lines of a war she never knew was taking place.

Learning she is a Guardian with a special talent for manipulating energy to heal isn’t the hardest pill to swallow for Penelope. It’s the dreams—both frightening and heart-wrenching—that nearly bring her to her knees. When her past comes barreling into her present, Penelope must learn to embrace her power or lose everything that has come to mean so much to her.

First 250:


There’s truly nothing like over sleeping to set the day off on the right foot. Not like I shouldn’t have been expecting it. Even my alarm clock has come to the conclusion that nothing eventful will ever happen, so why get up in time to resemble a member of the human race?

I rolled out of bed and prayed Sidney had left me some hot water. On second thought, I’d just count myself luck if she were out of the bathroom. Blurry-eyed I walked down the hall to the bathroom and knocked.

“Sid, are you almost done in there?”

The baby sister in question swung open the door with a bright smile on her fifteen-year-old face. It should be illegal to be that chipper this early.

“All yours Sleeping Beauty.”

“Thanks.” I grumbled and strode past her into the bathroom. Some days, I wish I could strangle the energy out of her.

“And yes, there is some hot water left.” She called over he shoulder before disappearing into her room next to mine. If I hadn’t been so tired and off balance by all the sunshine in her smile I would have caught the emphasis on Sidney’s “some”.

The dissimilarities don’t stop at her early bird mentality and my obvious lack thereof. Sidney had that destined for high school greatness quality that would have the school eating out of the palm of her hand in no time. I’ve always been just under the radar and happy to be there.


  1. I loved the first paragraph of the query -- very fast and intriguing. I really like the voice throughout.

    There are tiny things I'd have done differently (like put a comma after '...protect the planet', and in the first 250, a comma before 'Sleeping Beauty'. In general, the dialogue punctuation needs a little bit of a tweak) but those are incredibly small comments because every time I read this I got swept away by the voice.

    I got a tiny bit thrown by the switch from present to past in the first 250 -- but only because it's the very beginning, I suspect.

    I loved the sisters' relationship and especially the bit about strangling the energy out of Sidney (there were many other bits I loved too -- but I won't list them all here!) It's a brilliant image and it makes me grin whenever I read it.

    1. Thanks for the comments Anna, I'm glad you liked it! I appreciate your critique and did a facepalm the moment I read it! I can't believe I missed those commas!

  2. Great voice and details in your first 250! I agree with Anna that you need to have a second look at your punctuation, but I'd love to read on.

    In the query, I'm wondering if you really need the second paragraph. It might be enough just to say she was adopted at a young age. Then Kane enters her life have the rest already.

    Best of luck!

    1. Thank you Laura! When I write queries I always wonder when I'm giving too much or too little information.

  3. Holy cow - I love, love, love this! I want to read it. Like NOW. Love the voice in your query. Amazing. Love the idea. Did I not say love, love, love? Your first 250 pulled me right in and I was sad when I finished. I love Penelope! Excellent job.

    Best of luck!!

    1. EEEK! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's always wonderful to hear that someone wants to keep reading!

  4. The premise of your story sounds really unique. One tiny thing to fix in your second line is that "over sleeping" should be a single word. I like the bit about her alarm clock coming to the conclusion that nothing eventful will ever happen. Good luck in the contest. :)