Monday, January 14, 2013

Bouncer Post #14

Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 108,000


Sera is the heiress to the Naianian throne; Naian being an alternate dimension of Earth that's been in rebellion since before she was born.  But no one told her.  In fact, they hid it from her.  For years.  Consequently, she's going along living a normal—albeit, boring—life, and then she's whisked away by a (very rich and very attractive) guy, who then turns out to be an incubus, working for an evil queen, who is also Sera's mother.

Sera's 'parents' also forgot to mention that they're actually Naianian rebels who stole her when she was an infant.  Oh, and there's also this 'Foretelling,' something Lucifer made up giving Sera the sole power to decide the outcome of Naian's war.  Too bad everyone believes it's true and is therefore trying to either kiss her ass or kill her.

While she's on this track to self-discovery, Sera also learns that she has an alien guy fetish.  First the incubus, then her rebel friend, Lux, who she meets on an interdimensional search for some clue as to how, exactly, she's supposed to end this war.  Amidst solving riddles, facing monsters, traipsing all over hell, and surviving the repeated attacks of Queen Anicetus' vicious incubus, Sera and Lux get pretty hot for each other.

But that's the other problem.  The incubus.  The dark, sarcastic, damn-near-invincible incubus who oozes sex appeal and never loses.  His name is Lord Caden, and he has a thing for Sera.

Much as she'd like to just not, Sera does have to choose between them—between Lux and Lord Caden, between the rebels and the crown, between light and darkness.  To some, it'd be obvious: monstrous regime = no go.  But Sera's still a little annoyed with the people who lied to her for eighteen years, and there's also the Lux/Lord Caden thing, which she would love to write off as an unimportant factor in deciding the fate of an entire world, but she can't.  Her morality, her friendships, her future, and the liberation of a dimension may be at stake here, but Sera doesn't know if she can resist Lord Caden.

First 250:

in·cu·bus [in-kyuh-buhs, ing-]
noun, plural  in·cu·bi  [-bahy]

1.  A male demon possessing incomparable beauty, subsisting on energy gained from a sexual partner during intercourse.

notes:  Incubi possess great power, speed, and strength.  Most possess irresistible charm and limitless intelligence.  It is hypothesized that some possess true powers of hypnosis.  Other preternatural powers may or may not exist.  The lifespan appears to be unending.  Highly dangerous.  A weakness has yet to be found.

Incubus.  In The Diversity of Species.  (1636).  Dimension: Edron.


Growing up in Stevensville, Montana was about as exciting as eating cardboard.  Don't get me wrong; I loved it.  But nothing happened here, which was probably fortunate.  My dad had a coronary every morning when I went to school with people I'd known since I was four.  God forbid we lived in a city full of strangers.  He'd probably die.

My life was quiet, but I liked it that way.  I had a deep seated fear of strangers, an unwritten rule book the size of Alaska, and self-defense classes on Thursdays.  I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, and I never went to a party.  I got good grades and I'd only been on like two dates in my entire high school career.  My curfew was 10:30PM.  I was never late, and I never tried sneaking out.  I didn't want to.  This way of living was all I knew, and I always stuck to the rules.

Except tonight.


  1. I'm very intrigued and you employ a strong voice. I suspect agents may find your query a bit long. It's got great info, but do we need to know how she met Lux when being concise is critical? I love the contrast between her following the rules and your final sentence. That definitely makes me want to read more. One thing to consider (and you may be planning this anyway) is to have your Incubus info as an epigraph. Good luck!

  2. Your query letter is too long, and there is a lot of information to take in. There's also some information that can be taken out. You have a great premise, but you query is so wordy that the suspense boils out.

    There is also a lot of explaining in your letter, which would lead me to think there is a lot of explaining in your pages, but that's just an assumption.

    To you pages. The first two sentences, though I know what you're trying to say, makes me think your MC likes eating cardboard. Second sentence needs a comma instead of a semicolon. Other than that, you have a great beginning.

    Good luck.
    Post # 5