Title: CHANGE OF INTENT
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Word Count: 81,500
Query:
Exhausted from a retched day of
contract negotiations, CEO Lily Abbott unloads from a taxi on a rainy day in
Chicago. Instead of a soak in one of the hotel's famous sunken tubs, she is
intercepted by brilliant and charming Samuel Payne, co-founder of the exclusive
Sapphire Properties. Minutes later, she shares a Sapphire elevator with
Samuel’s equally handsome and successful partner, Andie Taylor. Lily soon finds
that two infamous billionaires mean twice the heartache and even more press
coverage.
Lily is in Chicago to close the
most important deal of her career. Instead, she is catapulted into a red-hot
romance with impulsive, passionate Samuel and into business negotiations with
boyish, blue-eyed Andie. Relentlessly followed by paparazzi and plunged into
the world of fame and glamour surrounding Sapphire, Lily struggles to keep
business affairs separated from affairs of the heart. A press stunt with
Samuel’s rock-star ex-girlfriend spirals out of control in front of the
cameras, nearly nullifying Lily’s big contract along with her romance and
Sapphire’s planned risky expansion into the music industry. Everything is
decided on the red carpet in Las Vegas where the trio is set to launch a joint
venture that might turn everything around. Companies and hearts are put to the
test as Lily, Samuel and Andie head toward either bankruptcy or love.
First 250:
I sat in my office and waited for
The Call. The call that would propel me, Lily Abbott, and my web
development firm upwards like I’d always dreamed. It was the culmination of
thirteen years of hard work and sacrifice. It was success.
Rocking in my leather desk chair
and staring at the ceiling, I waited. I hated waiting.
There was nothing left to do, but
knowing that didn’t make it any easier. I stood and paced my office, filing
some papers and caught myself staring at the three Webby Awards on the wall.
Web X.0 had earned each of them and the awards were good, but closing this deal
would be better. It meant money, yes, but even more it meant prestige, respect
and validation. It meant access to the premiere circle of firms and clients in
the world of eCommerce, those selling billions of dollars on the Internet. I
wanted to close this account. I wanted it bad.
Suzann Gregory, CIO of Hoyt &
Barnes would make me wait for The Call of course. It was her style. She
enjoyed watching vendors squirm while she poked at us with her big-retailer,
mauve-painted claws. It was her prerogative. She’d let me stew. Hoyt &
Barnes was Fortune 15. They were the also the ninth largest online retailer
anywhere. She knew I’d invested a good sized chunk of Web X.0’s resources into
this deal. She would sweat me out. If I were Suzann; blonde and well endowed
with killer instinct, I’d be tempted to draw things out too. But in the end, I
was betting she’d call.
I am a big fan of adult romances that take place at the workplace. Unfortunately, though, I'm having a hard time getting through this query and pages, because I think you're trying to put too much information in one place.
ReplyDeleteBefore writing your query, decide what we absolutely need to know to want to read your story. Who is the MC and what's at stake for her? Why should I read your book?
I can tell you have the answers to your questions by how intricate your world building is, but you need to state it clearly for agents and readers. Good luck!
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Mr. Spock, this input will be very helpful. I've been working hard to get the hang of the query, and am still working at it, so am very grateful for the feedback! I will simplify!
ReplyDeleteLaurie--I like the premise behind this, but like Mr. Spock, I thought your query was too loaded--one thing I'd cut is the intro of the rock star ex-girlfriend--if that's super important, just say a press stunt gone bad or something and leave out the details.
ReplyDeleteNot reading more than your first 250, I wonder if you've started this in the right place? You begin with your mc just waiting--there's nothing going on, nothing to propel the reader forward or to keep reading. I kinda want to know what makes her so special that two billionares are competing for her affection.
#6
Thanks for you comments Margie, I appreciate it!
ReplyDelete