Monday, January 14, 2013

Bouncer Post #16


Title: CHANGE OF INTENT
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Word Count: 81,500

Query:

Exhausted from a retched day of contract negotiations, CEO Lily Abbott unloads from a taxi on a rainy day in Chicago. Instead of a soak in one of the hotel's famous sunken tubs, she is intercepted by brilliant and charming Samuel Payne, co-founder of the exclusive Sapphire Properties. Minutes later, she shares a Sapphire elevator with Samuel’s equally handsome and successful partner, Andie Taylor. Lily soon finds that two infamous billionaires mean twice the heartache and even more press coverage.

Lily is in Chicago to close the most important deal of her career. Instead, she is catapulted into a red-hot romance with impulsive, passionate Samuel and into business negotiations with boyish, blue-eyed Andie. Relentlessly followed by paparazzi and plunged into the world of fame and glamour surrounding Sapphire, Lily struggles to keep business affairs separated from affairs of the heart. A press stunt with Samuel’s rock-star ex-girlfriend spirals out of control in front of the cameras, nearly nullifying Lily’s big contract along with her romance and Sapphire’s planned risky expansion into the music industry. Everything is decided on the red carpet in Las Vegas where the trio is set to launch a joint venture that might turn everything around. Companies and hearts are put to the test as Lily, Samuel and Andie head toward either bankruptcy or love.

First 250:

I sat in my office and waited for The Call. The call that would propel me, Lily Abbott, and my web development firm upwards like I’d always dreamed. It was the culmination of thirteen years of hard work and sacrifice. It was success.

Rocking in my leather desk chair and staring at the ceiling, I waited. I hated waiting.

There was nothing left to do, but knowing that didn’t make it any easier. I stood and paced my office, filing some papers and caught myself staring at the three Webby Awards on the wall. Web X.0 had earned each of them and the awards were good, but closing this deal would be better. It meant money, yes, but even more it meant prestige, respect and validation. It meant access to the premiere circle of firms and clients in the world of eCommerce, those selling billions of dollars on the Internet. I wanted to close this account. I wanted it bad.

Suzann Gregory, CIO of Hoyt & Barnes would make me wait for The Call of course. It was her style. She enjoyed watching vendors squirm while she poked at us with her big-retailer, mauve-painted claws. It was her prerogative. She’d let me stew. Hoyt & Barnes was Fortune 15. They were the also the ninth largest online retailer anywhere. She knew I’d invested a good sized chunk of Web X.0’s resources into this deal. She would sweat me out. If I were Suzann; blonde and well endowed with killer instinct, I’d be tempted to draw things out too. But in the end, I was betting she’d call.

4 comments:

  1. Mr. Spock (Bouncer)January 14, 2013 at 7:35 PM

    I am a big fan of adult romances that take place at the workplace. Unfortunately, though, I'm having a hard time getting through this query and pages, because I think you're trying to put too much information in one place.

    Before writing your query, decide what we absolutely need to know to want to read your story. Who is the MC and what's at stake for her? Why should I read your book?

    I can tell you have the answers to your questions by how intricate your world building is, but you need to state it clearly for agents and readers. Good luck!

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  2. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment, Mr. Spock, this input will be very helpful. I've been working hard to get the hang of the query, and am still working at it, so am very grateful for the feedback! I will simplify!

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  3. Laurie--I like the premise behind this, but like Mr. Spock, I thought your query was too loaded--one thing I'd cut is the intro of the rock star ex-girlfriend--if that's super important, just say a press stunt gone bad or something and leave out the details.

    Not reading more than your first 250, I wonder if you've started this in the right place? You begin with your mc just waiting--there's nothing going on, nothing to propel the reader forward or to keep reading. I kinda want to know what makes her so special that two billionares are competing for her affection.
    #6

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  4. Thanks for you comments Margie, I appreciate it!

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