Title: SHADOW’S RETURN
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 110,000
Query:
Like most teenage girls, seventeen-year-old Serka
Shadowwing wishes for a normal life, but being a dragon hated by your own kind
makes that fairly impossible. Despite her own issues, the war between the
mythological races has reached a boiling point, not to mention that the pride
seems oblivious to their own looming destruction.
Determined
to find answers and a way of somehow rectifying her mistakes, Serka takes up
detective work and meets with unlikely allies and unfortunate foes, including a
jazz-loving rogue and a haunting presence from her past. Serka discovers she
plays a role far greater than ever imagined, but learning all the secrets
involves deceit, retribution, and the choice of saving a world she no longer
wants to be a part of.
Worse
yet: There’s figuring out her feelings for Callan, and it doesn’t help that
“love” is as foreign a concept as “world peace.”
First 250:
This
could go two ways: live or die.
Right
now, I’d take death.
The
pain came first. Pain. Such a stupid word, created by ignorant, naïve fools who
knew nothing of true agony. I slumped against the wall, swallowing a scream. My
skin prickled, a million stabbing needles, the sensation crystallizing into an
acute burn. My muscles writhed and convulsed. This isn’t happening.
Denying the truth—that’s the way. Despite the beauty and avoidance of voluntary
delusion, this was happening.
Soon.
So
soon. Now. I needed to Change.
But
this was just another thing out of my control.
My
mental barriers shattered, and I was no longer alone in my thoughts. I sensed
the training room’s occupants, their attention focused on the master sparring
against today’s first victim.
Serka?
You all right?
Don’t
bother me, Rekki. I struggled for coherency. Just—please.
Don’t.
I
didn’t want concern or help, not from anyone, and not from Rekki, who somehow
still considered herself the only friend of the hated submissive. Me.
Fireworks
exploded in my head in a full sensory onslaught. Everything went mercifully
black, but I didn’t pass out. No such luck. My sight returned, but in the
other, unfortunate, why-did-it-have-to-happen-now way, shifting and warping
with the sensation of suddenly falling.
As
the colors floated around me, rainbow currents, pain slammed me again. I
couldn’t tell if I’d really lost consciousness this time or not. I hovered
between real and unreal, surrounded by endless nothing. Except her.
Shadowwing.
She
wanted out.
I'm a sucker for stories about dragons, so I would totally read this. I do worry that your query is too vague - all I really know from your query is that there's some kind of war going on, and it involves shape-shifting dragons. Your second paragraph has a lot of mysterious phrases that could work on a book jacket, but in a query, you really want to spell out what makes your book fresh and exciting, but the "unlikely allies," "unfortunate foes," the "haunting presence from her past," and the discovery that she plays an unexpected role in the war could apply to any number of books I've read recently. Also, the first sentence where the MC wishes she has an ordinary life is a little bit overused - I feel like starting off with something like your second clause, "Serka is a dragon hated by her own kind," would be much more dramatic and would set you apart.
ReplyDeleteOn the first page, it's great that you plunge us right away into this tense situation, but it is a little disorienting to suddenly be experiencing a huge amount of pain with your MC, and not have any idea what's going on - I would recommend doing a bit of scene-setting first, so that we know what's happening and that we can grow to care about Serka and the fact that she's in pain.
Best of luck from Entry #7! :)
Hey there, Entry #7. Thank you very much for your input. Much appreciated. The neurotic I am, I altered some of the query and added some detail--kind of wish I did that before entering! No matter. Again, thank you, and beat of luck to you as well~
ReplyDelete