Monday, January 14, 2013

Bouncer Post #31

New Adult


Finally attending college to pursue her dream career as a police officer, twenty-two year old Shelby is at the top of her class and part of a pilot project that trains police officers in special driving skills for high-speed chases and intercepting illegal street racing. Raised by a family of gear-heads, Shelby's living her dream-- or will be once she graduates.

But her dreams suddenly come to a screeching halt when she gets a call from her oldest brother Travis. It seems their brother, Jamie, is missing. Knowing Travis and his history of being on the wrong side of the law, he likely had something to do with it. Shelby leaves the driving school and heads home to find a tangled mess of kidnapping, illegal racing, and drug deals-- everything that could ruin her career. But her favourite brother's life is on the line, and she'll do anything to get him back, including crossing lines she thought were never to be crossed.

First 250:

Excitement raced through my veins at the sight of the red and blue flashing lights in my rear view mirror. There was a cop on my tail and I had to out run him. Abandoned houses along both sides of the road flew by as I hit the gas pedal in my 2000 Chevy Impala, but I took no notice of the neighbourhood. My only objective was to outrun the police car.

Bright orange light from the setting sun shone between the buildings, revealing a wide intersection up ahead. The timing had to be right. Closer. Closer. At the last second, I hit the brakes and cranked the wheel counter-clockwise only to be immediately blinded by the sunset. The Impala slid around the corner, tires squealing like a banshee. I nearly collided with a car parked at the curb. I cranked the wheel hard to the right, trying not to over-correct. The car fish-tailed, the back end swinging to the left. I hit the gas, narrowly avoiding another vehicle on the opposite side of the street.

Damn it. Those parked cars had not been on this street yesterday.

Someone was testing me.

I put my foot down on the gas again, racing away from the intersection. The end was just ahead. Behind me, the cop car tried the same fish-tail manoeuvre, but wasn't as successful. His back quarter panel collided with the first parked car. Chunks of metal fell to the ground.


  1. I like your opening scene! Good luck!

  2. Shelby is a girl after my own heart—is she named for Carroll Shelby, by any chance?

    I love your opening scene—it communicates the action well, IMO, and aside from a couple of minor sentence tweaks, it seems like a great start. With the query, I'd personally like to see a bit *more* of an emotional connection between Shelby's dream, her willingness to do anything to get Jamie back, etc. You have the connection there as it is, I'd just like it to be strengthened a bit. Overall, though, this is an awesome entry, and I wish you the best of luck!

    Rachel (Bouncer Post #22)

  3. I like the first 250 here! It drops us right into the action, and the voice is fabulous.

    As for the query, I love that it gives us a great mental picture of Shelby, but I feel like the actual conflict is a little too vague. I feel like if you mention Travis, you need to give us a little more about why she thinks he has to do with it (and if you don’t want to go into that, maybe mentioning Travis is just muddying the query). If you mention these things possibly ruining Shelby’s career, you need to tell us a little more specifically how they tie to Jamie’s going missing. I want to have a really great sense of Shelby’s goal in the story and how it ties all these things together. I do think the idea of a badass young woman training to be a cop is fresh and interesting!