Monday, January 14, 2013

Bouncer Post #35

Genre: NA Paranormal
Word Count: 84000


Superpowers suck. If you just want to live a normal life, Null City is waiting for you. After one day there, imps become baristas, and hellhounds become poodles. Demons settle down, become parents, join the PTA, and worry about their taxes. But when forces seek to destroy Null City to capture the source of its power, GABY, a (technically) dead accountant teams up with LEILA, the teenage daughter of the Prince of Hell, to protect the City. It just would have been nice if someone told them the angels were all on the other side. Or that the only one who can help is Gaby’s ex – the angel she killed.

First 250:

1972, Seattle:

Gaby glared at the double doors barring entrance to the Presidential Suite of Seattle's stately Olympic Hotel. Over the past hour, she'd knocked, called, tried the house phone, paced, and automatically straightened the paintings lining the elegant hallway. Despite the muted voices from within the suite, the brass-bound doors remained closed. Her brand new employee handbook was clear: missing a client appointment was an excellent way to get fired. But it doesn't say anything about breaking and entering.

Her foot tapped. I could go back and try to explain to the agency. Tap. But this assignment was supposed to last at least a week and we need that money. Tap, tap. When Mom and Dad were killed, I promised the twins a normal life. Her foot slowed. Sorry, Dad. She pulled out her father's torque wrench and favorite hook pick. Moments later the lock's tumblers hit the shearline with a subtle click. It's not techinically B&E, Dad. I didn't break a friggin thing; I'm just entering. Returning the little tools to her bag, she eased the door ajar a careful half-inch. “Hello?”

The door opened fully and she stared.

“Luic leMuir.” Leaning against the jamb with one arm blocking the doorway, he ignored her outstretched hand.

Don't say it, she sternly admonished her squealing inner-Gaby. He doesn't need to know you have every record he's ever made. Or that you take your showers to the sound of that voice… Her own voice was a breathless octave higher than normal. “Gabrielle Parker, CPA."


  1. Very unique idea! I think I'd add a little to that second sentence, like, "But if you just want to live a normal life, Null City is only a train ride away." Or however the supernatural person would get there. Loved the demon/PTA part! :) And of course, that it starts in Seattle.

    Good luck!

  2. I love the idea of a place like Null City! What a fun twist on paranormal, and I love the examples you give. I think you do a pretty good job of telling me what the conflict is and how the story will play out, too, which is great.

    I do think it would help you to look into the general query formula before you start querying. Just off the top of my head, you don’t capitalize character names in queries, you’ll probably want to break up this one long paragraph into at least two, and (I almost never say this, but in this case it’s true) I think it could be a little longer. What forces are set to destroy the city? What is the deal with the angels? I think just a little more detail would really make this shine, and with paranormal as difficult as it is right now, a paranormal query especially needs to be really perfect.

    As for your 250, all the italicized thoughts gave me pause. I know some people don’t mind that, but having almost half of the first 250 italicized made me wonder whether the whole book would be like that—I know that would bother me. I do like the voice, though! Good luck!

  3. Thanks so much for the comments and encouragement. I'll definitely get to work on the changes you suggest.

    Also, I wanted to thank you (and other bouncers) for taking so much time to read all of these entries. I'm very grateful and I know others are as well.