Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bouncer Post #158

Title: Captive Dreams
Genre: Paranormal Romance
Word Count: 93,000


The realm: Xavia, a land of two races.

The Syndarians: They arrived long ago, yet on Xavia live only as slaves under the powerful natives.  Fiercely intelligent with mysterious powers, their lives are shrouded in secrecy.

The Civilized: With powerful bonds, they control the Syndarians’ every movement.  They give little and take much. 

Never had Celeste imagined the day she would step into a Syndarian Dealer.  As one of the few Civilized against the slavery of the alien race, she despises watching the savagery her kinsmen have inflicted upon the innocent people.  Believing the Syndarians to be little more than animals, the Civilized cruelly control them with Bonds, virtual chains that allow one to command movement with the press of a button.  Her people are wrong, and she’s going to prove it.

Hunter despairs the strange Civilized woman who dares to challenge him.  Unbeknownst to his cruel captors, he is leader of the Syndarian people. Before exposing their secrets, he must rid them of the Bonds that bind their bodies.  Right now the Civilized female holds more power than she can ever imagine.  He just knows this:

If she chooses him, Bonds or no, she will not have the power for long.

Captive Dreams is a paranormal romance and is complete at 93,000 words in length.  My manuscripts have seen success in various RWA-sponsored contests, achieving First Place in the Sweet Spicy Spooky Contest, the Unsinkable Heroine Award in the Molly, Third Place in the Southern Heat Contest, Third Place in the STAR Contest and two semi-finalist showings in the Molly Contest.  I am a finalist in the FRW Golden Palm and Emily competitions.

I have written seven manuscripts in addition to Captive Dreams, including three paranormal romances, three contemporary romances and one children's fantasy. You can view descriptions of all of my manuscripts on my website,

With over a decade of professional writing experience, I produced a wide variety of written material for businesses and individual clients across a variety of subject matters. I worked both in advertising agencies and marketing departments as a copywriter. My freelance articles on the web garner more than 20,000 clicks a day. I am active in the Florida Romance Writers, a local chapter of Romance Writers of America.

I have poured my heart into this story.  I hope it enraptures yours.  Thank you very much for your consideration.

First 250:

“Words alone cannot describe him.”

A deep breath.  A slow smile. 

Eyes the color of blue topaz stared in secret, unblinking and unbidden in intent observation.  The men numbered only twelve, yet they represented millions and forced decisions that affected scores more.  They had destroyed the lives of his people.  Their power was great, but his…

His was greater. 

“There is no way for me to truly portray this man, whatever he is, but I shall explain what I can.  He is like no other.  The ancients called him Azreal.”

“The Hunter.”

“Yes.  In the ancient tongue, the title means the Hunter, and it is accurate in every sense of the word.  Like all of his kind, he is an animal, yet he is more.  Exponentially more.”

“I heard that he can understand our tongue.  That he can read minds and place images into the very soul,” a heavyset one in the rear broke in, a stalwart man bristling behind bushy eyebrows and a thick sheen of sweat. 

“And I have been told that he can beckon the inanimate with only his mind – that he can force objects to hover in the air, unsupported and without trickery.  The rumors also claim that not only can he understand us, but he can even speak our tongue,” a large ruffian with eyes of black followed, his voice thick with hostility.


  1. Your first 250 are wonderful. I'd definitely want to keep reading this! It's very polished, too, technically speaking.
    I was wondering if this might be a different genre than paranormal romance. It seems more like a fantasy or scifi romance.
    Best of luck!
    -Lisa (#170)

  2. Bouncer Colonel MustardFebruary 11, 2013 at 9:25 PM

    I'm going to wait until Thursday to announce my top 3, but I'm going to give everyone some feedback in the meantime.

    Some basic query advice, I'd take out the second half regarding all the manuscripts you've written. They aren't relevant to this query, unless they've been published and you've got pub credits. If they haven't been published you don't want an agent wondering why not.

    As for the first half--the important half-- of your query, Celeste gets lost in all the context for the story. Focus in on her, her conflict, and what is standing in the way of her goal. Keep it simple. Obviously your story is complex but there just isn't enough room in a short query to define your terms, and show all your world building.

    The first 250 words are lovely! Okay. Stay tuned!

  3. Thank you very much for your advice. I appreciate it!