Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bouncer Post #159


Title: DAWN OF THE PHOENIX
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 88,000

Query:

In her seventeen years, Calli Kemp still hasn’t learned to control her temper or her tongue. After a particularly obnoxious argument with her dad, Calli uses one of her made-up curse words to tell him off…and send a fireball at him. Calli starts to question who, or what, she is, but doesn’t get very far before she is ripped from the world of indoor plumbing and T.V. and dropped into the medieval land of Andlar.

Initially captured, but not the damsel type, Calli’s right hook entrances the usurper’s son Valcon. With the help of spies, Calli is taken to the rebel camp where they claim she is the prophesied Phoenix, destined to save the people of Andlar. Only by winning their rebellion against the cruel usurper Debor, and restoring the rightful Queen to the throne can she be sent home and no amount of swearing or eye rolling can change that.

After almost roasting Princess Serena, Calli begrudgingly begins magic and combat lessons, earning a reluctant friendship with the warrior Princess and the shunned Lady Drachiana. When Calli learns there is a traitor within the camp, she can’t decide which is worse, that it may be one of her new friends, or that the chance of her going home grows smaller each day. Tired of waiting for the dwindling rebels to make their move or be eviscerated, she presents the rebels with a plan to retake their castle and country, but it puts her and the possible man of her dreams on opposite ends of a sword.


First 250:

Calli didn’t mean to send a fireball at her father; she just wanted him to stop talking. It had been a long day, and she had the pounding of a growing headache to prove it. Despite having finished her last final, the thought of summer vacation had a stormy cloud over it in the form of college brochures; obnoxious reminders of a hazy future. Advil and exercise failed to soothe the throbbing behind her eyes or dread in her stomach like they usually did. When her brother dropped her cell phone in the toilet and her friends called to let her know they’d be traveling all summer without her, Calli had given up all hope on the day not sucking. And to top it off, a lecture on how I should live my life, because that’s exactly what I need, Calli bemoaned.

Moving her brown hair, similar to her currently disgruntled father’s, over her shoulder, she massaged the crux of her neck, trying to do away with the knot of frustration her dad was giving her as he listed all the aspects of her life she needed to change; from lazing about after school to not working hard enough in school. What happened to the thought of taking time to figure out what I want to do?

“Are you even listening to me, Calli?” her Dad jabbed, “You’re not a kid anymore, it’s time to grow up.”

Scofettaþ þa windas! Calli mentally swore one of her created curses.

3 comments:

  1. This sounds like a really fun premise. I like the idea of her being whisked to the middle ages. Also like your voice. My thought on your query is that you are possibly bringing in too many elements and naming too many people. I would boil down to the bare essentials, and only mention the people crucial to the overall plot. First 250 - I would start with her giving the curse, or in the argument right before it happens. The first sentence seems like a flash-forward, and some of the explanation of her bad day can perhaps filter in later.
    But I would definitely read on to see where it goes. Best of luck, Amy (#168)

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  2. Bouncer Colonel MustardFebruary 11, 2013 at 9:12 PM

    I'm going to wait until Thursday to announce my top 3, but I'm going to give everyone some feedback in the meantime.

    First you are golden from the very first word through "right hook." After that, the query loses its focus, intensity, and flare. Not sure how a right hook "entrances" anybody. I thought they gave you a black eye! : )

    I think you need to say what she is, why she's been brought to Adlar, and what's going to stand in the way of her accomplishing whatever goal has been set before her. Do it in that order and succinctly with the same great voice you use in the first paragraph.

    Okay. Stay tuned.

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  3. I like the "reluctant savior" premise. It allows for a good character arc.
    I chuckled, and thought how apt, that she "didn't mean to throw a fireball" at her Dad.
    Kids!
    Bonne Chance!
    ~Just Jill (#139)

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