Title: DAWN OF THE PHOENIX
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 88,000
Query:
In her seventeen years, Calli Kemp still hasn’t
learned to control her temper or her tongue. After a particularly obnoxious
argument with her dad, Calli uses one of her made-up curse words to tell him
off…and send a fireball at him. Calli starts to question who, or what, she is,
but doesn’t get very far before she is ripped from the world of indoor plumbing
and T.V. and dropped into the medieval land of Andlar.
Initially captured, but not the damsel type, Calli’s
right hook entrances the usurper’s son Valcon. With the help of spies, Calli is
taken to the rebel camp where they claim she is the prophesied Phoenix,
destined to save the people of Andlar. Only by winning their rebellion against
the cruel usurper Debor, and restoring the rightful Queen to the throne can she
be sent home and no amount of swearing or eye rolling can change that.
After almost roasting Princess Serena, Calli
begrudgingly begins magic and combat lessons, earning a reluctant friendship
with the warrior Princess and the shunned Lady Drachiana. When Calli learns
there is a traitor within the camp, she can’t decide which is worse, that it
may be one of her new friends, or that the chance of her going home grows
smaller each day. Tired of waiting for the dwindling rebels to make their move
or be eviscerated, she presents the rebels with a plan to retake their castle
and country, but it puts her and the possible man of her dreams on opposite
ends of a sword.
First 250:
Calli didn’t mean to send a fireball at her father;
she just wanted him to stop talking. It had been a long day, and she had the
pounding of a growing headache to prove it. Despite having finished her last
final, the thought of summer vacation had a stormy cloud over it in the form of
college brochures; obnoxious reminders of a hazy future. Advil and exercise
failed to soothe the throbbing behind her eyes or dread in her stomach like
they usually did. When her brother dropped her cell phone in the toilet and her
friends called to let her know they’d be traveling all summer without her,
Calli had given up all hope on the day not sucking. And to top it off, a
lecture on how I should live my life, because that’s exactly what I
need, Calli bemoaned.
Moving her brown hair, similar to her currently
disgruntled father’s, over her shoulder, she massaged the crux of her neck,
trying to do away with the knot of frustration her dad was giving her as he
listed all the aspects of her life she needed to change; from lazing about after
school to not working hard enough in school. What happened to the thought of
taking time to figure out what I want to do?
“Are you even listening to me, Calli?” her Dad jabbed,
“You’re not a kid anymore, it’s time to grow up.”
Scofettaþ þa windas! Calli
mentally swore one of her created curses.
This sounds like a really fun premise. I like the idea of her being whisked to the middle ages. Also like your voice. My thought on your query is that you are possibly bringing in too many elements and naming too many people. I would boil down to the bare essentials, and only mention the people crucial to the overall plot. First 250 - I would start with her giving the curse, or in the argument right before it happens. The first sentence seems like a flash-forward, and some of the explanation of her bad day can perhaps filter in later.
ReplyDeleteBut I would definitely read on to see where it goes. Best of luck, Amy (#168)
I'm going to wait until Thursday to announce my top 3, but I'm going to give everyone some feedback in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteFirst you are golden from the very first word through "right hook." After that, the query loses its focus, intensity, and flare. Not sure how a right hook "entrances" anybody. I thought they gave you a black eye! : )
I think you need to say what she is, why she's been brought to Adlar, and what's going to stand in the way of her accomplishing whatever goal has been set before her. Do it in that order and succinctly with the same great voice you use in the first paragraph.
Okay. Stay tuned.
I like the "reluctant savior" premise. It allows for a good character arc.
ReplyDeleteI chuckled, and thought how apt, that she "didn't mean to throw a fireball" at her Dad.
Kids!
Bonne Chance!
~Just Jill (#139)