Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #55


Title: TERRA INCOGNITA
Genre: YA Post-apocalyptic paranormal with romantic elements
Word Count: 100,000

Query:

Seventeen-year old Haylee Wells thinks she lives in an ordinary world. Her biggest concern has been convincing her mother she may not want to attend college. Ever. But just out of sight something not so ordinary lurks. Hidden in the shadows of city streets and forests – just like the one in her backyard – the Pale Ones plan their coming out. 

In the future, the cities are gone and the land barren. Mankind, fearing the deadly touch of the Pale Ones, knows better than to venture into dark places. Haylee awakens to this world, where the supernatural is common: inanimate objects become poisonous organisms, humans survive – and fight back – with powers of their own, and Seers discern what secrets lie within the confines of your mind and heart.

Taking refuge with a group of humans, she becomes fast friends with Glenna, who has a calming presence – literally – and is drawn to Derik, the duty-bound protector, despite his condescending-jerk quotient and creepy insider knowledge of the Pale Ones. He can sense when they are near, and his description of them leaves her thinking they may be the monsters on which many supernatural creature legends are based.

The Pale Ones know great power dwells within Haylee and have propelled her through time to claim it. When her abilities become evident, she wonders what the supposedly immortal creatures want with an inexperienced Seer with a knack for healing. She knows she should return home. But her growing affections for her new friends, particularly Derik, leave her unsure in which time home resides.

First 250:

Fighting my way through images of thick forest undergrowth and moonlight-catching foliage, I bolted up in bed, gasping for air, drenched in sweat, my ears ringing.

I had been running.  Whether from something or toward it, I was unsure.

Banging and howling.

That is what pulled me from the dream, made me struggle my way out.  Realizing this, though still wondering if that too had been a dream, I calmed myself down and listened.

There.

I heard it again.  Something hitting a windowpane.  Untangling my legs from the blankets, I climbed out of bed, followed the sound to the room across the hall, and stood in the doorway.  Moonlight poured in, casting an elongated shadow across the floor.  A tree branch.  The window rattled with every gust of wind, as the branch hit the glass.  I let out the breath I had been holding, closed my eyes briefly, and crossed the room.  The yard was bathed in milky light and, as I stood looking down, I heard the other sound.

Lobo was howling.  Howling interspersed with intervals of all-out barking.

When I spotted the dog, he was sniffing around the garden fence, only stopping to howl and bark toward the forest.  The closest neighbors lived on the other side of the woods but could likely still hear the commotion, so I opened the window.

“Shh! Lobo!  Cut that out!” I called, trying to keep my voice low.  When the dog continued, I said more loudly, “Lobo!  Stop it!”  

5 comments:

  1. I just have to comment first up that a *lot* of stories I've seen recently, including in CAGI and other comps, start with characters waking up. It's a bit of a cliche, which doesn't necessarily mean you need to change it, but it can be a turn off. Descriptions of dreams can also be a struggle for readers.

    I do like your style and think you've got a great start. What if you started with Lobo howling? Just an idea - could make the reader wonder what's going on right off the bat.

    That is what pulled me from the dream, made me struggle my way out. Realizing this, though still wondering if that too had been a dream, I calmed myself down and listened.


    There.


    I heard it again. Something hitting a windowpane. Untangling my legs from the blankets, I climbed out of bed, followed the sound to the room across the hall, and stood in the doorway. Moonlight poured in, casting an elongated shadow across the floor. A tree branch. The window rattled with every gust of wind, as the branch hit the glass. I let out the breath I had been holding, closed my eyes briefly, and crossed the room. The yard was bathed in milky light and, as I stood looking down, I heard the other sound.


    Lobo was howling. Howling interspersed with intervals of all-out barking.


    When I spotted the dog, he was sniffing around the garden fence, only stopping to howl and bark toward the forest. The closest neighbors lived on the other side of the woods but could likely still hear the commotion, so I opened the window.


    “Shh! Lobo! Cut that out!” I called, trying to keep my voice low. When the dog continued, I said more loudly, “Lobo! Stop it!”

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  3. Overall, I really like the idea behind this story. First thing I would be careful about is what you catogorize your story as. Lit agent Jenifer Laughran just posted that writers are tending to over catagorize and she feels like it is just putting them into a small box.

    The second thing I was curious of from your query was if part of the novel takes place before the end of the world and the second part takes place after the end of the world? When you say she is worried about going to college, I instantly think of a modern day setting. Also, if this is the case, you might gain an extra edge since a lot of agents are saying post-apocalyptic and dysporian are becoming really saturated right now. In the middle of an end of the world scenario, however, is not!

    The next part of your query I had a small issue with his the part that mentions Derik and Glenna. While I'm sure they are both important characters, you really don't need that paragraph (though it has some GREAT voice!) Your last paragraph would be fine if you just replaced, "especially Derik" with "especially the duty pound protector whose reached his condescending herk quotiant"

    In your first 250, I was really confused by the first line. I didn't get that she was dreaming at all and most every agent says to try and steer clear of starting your novel with a dream/wake up sequence. I think if you started with her inching down the hall way to calm her annoying dog down you'd have a more powerful intro and you can fill in the creepy things about her dream later.

    Those are just my thoughts! I really do like the concept of this book and I think it has some great potential :)

    Best of luck!
    Jessica #96

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    1. Wow...so many typos right now. I think I should go to bed haha. If you have any questions with what I said because of spelling, just let me know. Good luck!

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  4. Hi, 55! Fantastic details and clean writing in your sample! But, unfortunately, your genre makes my head spin. Most manuscripts have many elements at play, but you want to pick the broadest and run with it. At the very least, simplify to Post-Apocalyptic Paranormal. You can definitely cut the part about “romantic elements” because a love interest is practically assumed in YA.

    Query:
    I love stylistic sentence fragments, but I’m not sure the “Ever” works here. It doesn’t seem like not wanting to attend college is that important, especially compared to the other stakes. Also, playing up the fact that Haylee isn’t average won’t work in your favor. Show us what’s amazing and unusual about Haylee.
    There’s an awkward shift between the first and second paragraphs. Is everything happening in the future? That’s unclear. Does Haylee go outside and then awaken in the future? If that’s the case, begin your query there.
    In the final paragraph, you mention Haylee’s power. You need to focus on that power earlier in the query.
    Really, you have a good concept and great writing in your sample. Cleaning up this query will take you far.

    250:
    I think you are opening in the wrong place here. You have a beautiful way with words, but the dream opening is a little overdone in YA right now. As the comments above mention, you need to start with the MC going outside to check on her dog. That’s a much stronger opening.
    Drop the “when” in the following sentence and the “he was.” “When I spotted the dog, he was sniffing around the garden fence, only stopping to howl and bark toward the forest.” It has more immediacy that way.

    Lots of luck to you! If you have questions, ask below in the comments or find me on Twitter (@novelista85). -Jessica

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