Title:
HOPE IN BLOOM
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word count: 72,000
Query:
All girls
have hopes. Unfortunately, some hopes die before they have a chance to bloom.
Eighteen-year-old
Mallory’s dream of the perfect senior year is disintegrating. Her father hasn’t
had a job in ages, her brother drags a shadow of misery around the house, and
her sister is missing. The only bright spot left in her life is her
boyfriend—that is until she catches his lips attached to another girl’s at the
end-of-summer party. After barely surviving a disastrous first day of school,
Mallory lands at a mini-mart known for selling more winning lottery tickets
than any other store for hundreds of miles. Desperate for a spot of hope, she
joins the crowd and watches her dreams print out on two yellowish-orange
tickets.
As Mallory’s
senior year continues to unravel, she becomes increasingly dependent on her
lottery hope. Each set of tickets gifts her with a dream of a different life,
one in which new adventures replace the suffering that surrounds her. Soon,
though, her lottery pipe dream becomes an absolute necessity, and Mallory’s
habits and hopes lead her astray.
With a
little help from a new friend—the tough yet totally hot transfer student who’s
got struggles of his own—Mallory just may see that a jackpot win isn’t the only
magic the lottery delivers.
First
250:
I should
have worn the emerald green shirt, the one with the rainbow embroidery along
the neckline. I'm convinced that magic lived in every thread. It’s the shirt my
boyfriend Ben told me I was wearing the day he fell in love with me. I'd also worn
it the day I found out I’d finally made the varsity cheerleading squad
and the day I’d gotten my first ‘A’ on a pre-calculus test. That shirt gave me
confidence, something I lacked at times. And I really wished that I had worn it
to the party that night.
We arrived
at Kyle’s house, and my giant smile led us up the stone walkway toward the
front door. Sara, Taylor, and Nicole trailed behind me, gossiping about
something, but I wasn’t interested in my friends’ conversation. My heart
somersaulted in anticipation of seeing Ben. He left for college a month ago,
and I missed him. A lot. I missed that fresh-from-the-dryer smell of the
sweatshirt he always let me wear. And the taste and feel of his soft lips when
he kissed me at the end of our dates. And most of all, I missed his smile, that
special treasure that could always melt away my troubles. He was home that
weekend for the end-of-summer party, and we’d be reunited after four long
weeks.
I got a little bit stuck on this sentence: 'It’s the shirt my boyfriend Ben told me I was wearing the day he fell in love with me.' Maybe this would work better from her perspective i.e. 'the day Ben and I fell in love' - the 'Ben told me' aspect bogs it down a little bit IMO.
ReplyDelete'That shirt gave me confidence, something I lacked at times. And I really wished that I had worn it to the party that night.' I think, possibly, we might be focussing a little too much on the shirt. The opening paragraphs do have some telling, which can work, bit I think it needs to be limited - too much about the shirt is slowing things up, I think.
'My heart somersaulted in anticipation of seeing Ben.' Maybe consider dropping the second half after somersaulted? I think the rest is implied.
'I missed that fresh-from-the-dryer smell of the sweatshirt he always let me wear.' Nice touch!
I think overall you've got a nice start here and a good contemp concept. I do think you could make it much, much stronger in terms of telling and flow, but it's hard to judge in 250 and the query promises good conflict to come!
I think this could be really fun. You deff have a contemp voice, that's for sure. Fun concept with the lottery tickets- but is she actually winning the lottery? Or just obsessed with the chance that she might win?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments :) Lindsay, no she isn't winning the lottery. That's why she keeps buying the tickets--to keep the dream alive. I tried to allude at the end to the fact that Mallory "wins" something from the lottery that isn't millions.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your question!
I really like the premise here - the idea of pinning so much on a winning lottery ticket (who hasn't done that, even briefly, at some point in their life?). Your query stands out as a unique idea for contemporary YA. For the first 250, I'd suggest tightening up the first paragraph (maybe less about the shirt).
ReplyDeleteYou already have some great comments here, so I'll just add - this sounds great. I hope I get to read it one day!
ReplyDeleteI really like this premise! ANd I think that teens who see their parents buying lotto tix will definitely be able to relate to it! It's a great idea.
ReplyDeleteI thought the query was very well done. The only thing that dragged for me was the first few sentences of the second paragraph--the "setup." I'm not sure if it's possible to trimt hat down (I know sometimes the setup is the most important part for us as writers!). But I was a little overwhelemd by all the detail. It didn't make me want to stop reading (which is good!), but it definitely slowed the pace for me in that spot. Just wanted you to know, for what it's worth. Could be a subjective assessment.
As for the first 250, I thought it was great! I totally remember having "lucky" items of clothing back then (and still do now, LOL). I think you've found a good place to start with that. And the way the backstory was woven in was seamless, in my opinion. It didn't feel info-dumpy at all. Only one sentence stood out to me as a potential problem: "I'm convinced that magic lived in every thread." The use of "I'm" kind of threw me because everything else in the submission is past tense. You might want to change it to "I was," unless you're doing it intentionally as a kind of "narrator commentary in present tense" thing. I actually had a problem with this in my sub, too. I'm #58. If you read through to the last few comments on my sub, you'll see a discussion between me and my first round judge, Jessica Taylor about this. She was very helpful in figuring out how to handle that technique.
Best of luck! This sounds like a great book! I'd love to read it one day.
Okay, you had me at Her brother drags a shadow of misery around the house. OMG! That is AWE-cue Barney Stinson here-SOME!
ReplyDeleteI love that she buys lottery tickets and escapes into her fantasies. And that she has different fantasies for different tickets (hopefully I understood that right?)
I think this has great potential but had a couple of nitpicks--
It’s the shirt my boyfriend Ben told me I was wearing the day he fell in love with me. ** I had trouble with this one too. And I agree the shirt plays a pretty big part in the beginning of the book, unless the shirt is a minor player later on.
My giant smile led us up the....I think this is akin to "My eyes rolled across the ceiling" I just pictured this animated smile leading them up the walkway. Kind of like the Jimmy Dean Sun in the commercials but a smile.
But otherwise, I think I'd pick this one up and keep reading.
Thanks so much everyone for the comments. I truly appreciate both the critique and the kind words.
ReplyDeleteI've changed the two lines that lately seem to be bringing up the most issue. So here's what i have:
"My boyfriend Ben told me I was wearing that shirt the day he fell in love with me."
AND
"“Hurry up!” I tapped my foot impatiently as I looked back at my friends moving at a snail's pace up the walkway."
Hopefully those two lines are an improvement!
Thanks again :)
I guess I also need to show that the sentence after "Hurry up" also was changed (so "friends" wasn't repeated).
Delete"Sara, Taylor, and Nicole were gossiping about something, but I had zero interest in their conversation."
I agree with the others that the opening paragraph could use some tightening - I'm a lot less interested in the shirt than I am in your main character, and the setting, and the anticipation of seeing Ben again after a month apart.
ReplyDeleteI also think the first paragraph of your query could use a bit of tightening, though it's difficult to identify where without having a better sense of the story.
My first thought, however, is that this line:
Her father hasn’t had a job in ages, her brother drags a shadow of misery around the house, and her sister is missing
reads a little bit like Plot Soup, AND throws me off your entire premise because her sister missing is A BIG DEAL, and I expected that to be the plot. If it's not, I'd leave it out, because all her other problems seem much diminished by comparison.
You have a fun premise, though, and I think there's a lot of good stuff to work with here!
The query starts off strong, but I think Rick has a point about the Plot Soup in the middle--I got a little lost. I figured her missing sister would weigh more heavily into the book, like Sara Zarr's ONCE WAS LOST (which combines a missing girl case with the main character's own struggles). Maybe it does but it's not evident in the query?
ReplyDeleteThis line: "Soon, though, her lottery pipe dream becomes an absolute necessity, and Mallory’s habits and hopes lead her astray." I think you should say why it's a necessity so the conflict is more apparent and then you can show the stakes--what if she hangs all her hopes on the lottery, what will happen if she doesn't win?
Good luck with your writing, it sounds like you have a good premise but maybe it's just the query that needs strengthening. :)