Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #58


Title: OPERATION BREAKUP
Genre: Contemporary YA
Word Count: 78,000

Query:

Sixteen-year-old artist and wallflower, Abby Wheeler, has blended herself into the background so well that she’s practically invisible. Even the guy of her dreams, Cooper Deal, barely knows she exists. He’s the soccer team captain with the popularity status to match. Art freaks need not apply. Besides, Cooper’s girlfriend, Miss Teenage Dream herself, has already dug her claws in him and no amount of brute force will tear that she-monster away.

When Abby accidentally slips about her secret infatuation in front of master manipulator Ian Koch, she’s sure her future involves being Ian’s blackmailed slave. Craptastic. But he makes an enticing proposal instead: he’ll keep his trap shut about Abby’s crush if she joins forces with him to end Cooper’s relationship. Operation Breakup. Seems simple enough—Abby loves Cooper, Ian loves Cooper’s girlfriend, throw a wedge between the supercouple, and voilà! The perfect opportunity for Abby to change the course of her life.

But making a deal with the devil comes with a price. As Ian’s demands grow increasingly risky, Abby’s list of enemies piles high and Cooper’s girlfriend is at the top. Abby finds herself knee-deep in blackmail, bribes and threats of exposure. The only thing keeping her grounded is the growing spark between her and Cooper Deal—a spark she hopes is real. But at the rate she’s going, Cooper may not know the real Abby or her true intentions when Operation Breakup’s mission is complete. She’s not even sure she’ll know herself.

First 250:

Ian Koch had no business telling me where to sit. Talk about pissing me off royally.

He lifted one hand, looking like it pained him to wave me over. Great. Front row. As if Global History wasn’t excruciatingly bad enough. I dragged my feet to the chair next to him, then slammed my ass down so hard I was almost paralyzed.

I’ve never liked sitting up front. Aside from looking like a bonafide dork, Mr. Rausch has this charming habit of spitting whenever he’s passionate about war (which, in Global History, is just about every day). And since spit-shields aren’t sold in the school supplies section at Staples, I steer clear of the front row. Hiding somewhere in the middle suits me fine, anyway. It’s a way of life.

“Should we sit at Mr. Rausch’s desk instead?” I tapped my pen on the side of the teacher’s desk. “Maybe do the lesson for him, too, while we’re at it? Just saying.”

Ian smirked. “I didn’t make Dean’s List by hiding in the back of the classroom."

“I don’t hide.”

“Please. You’re a perpetual hider, have been since kindergarten.”

I scowled. “I have awards, too, you know.”

“Art awards don’t count, sweetheart.”

No less than five minutes into Global Studies and the first stab of a migraine had already pierced my left eyeball. It started at the exact moment I’d shoved my hand into that paper bag and pulled out a slip of paper with Ian Koch’s name scrawled on it. 

16 comments:

  1. Very nice sense of voice here. The only thing I'm a little confused about is the whole telling her where to sit part. Was it written on this note or something?

    Anyway overall great work!

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    1. In the very next sentence you find out Ian is her partner on a class project. That's why she moves her seat to sit with him. Darn that 250 word cutoff! LOL Thanks for the feedback!

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  2. Found you Jeanmarie!

    Your voice is wonderful. It's infused so well in your query. Love it.

    The only thing: query length. Can the first two paragraphs be shortened a little? I think that you can do this without sacrificing voice, but we'll get to the meat of the conflict faster.

    Good luck with everything!!

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  3. Hi Jeanmarie. I recognize your entry from Pitch Madness -- congrats! I love the sound of this. As the first two posters said, you really nail the voice here, which I think is the hardest part of YA. Also, the voice is remarkably consistent between the query and the first 250. Impressive.

    I agree that the query could be shorter. I don't think it's inordinately long, but I think you have such a nice way of succinctly hitting the voice that a few key sentences could be more effective. As it is, there is somewhat of a piling on effect -- although this is nit picky.

    As for the 250, I like it. My only suggestion is perhaps dropping the dialogue a little farther back in the scene. I had to really focus to figure out the tone you were aiming for with Ian. I think knowing about the name drawing and having a little more interiority on the point could make it more obvious to the reader

    Overall, great job. I enjoyed reading it. Give me a shout if you get a chance.

    Monica -- #75 Prime Grade

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    1. Thank you for the comments, Monica! I've heard wonderful things about PRIME GRADE. I'm off to go check it out.

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  4. I was going to write that I don't read contemp, but I think I might read this. The voice is crazy good, from query to writing. I really have nothing to critique at all. I just get a great vibe from Abby and would totally love to read more about her.

    Best of luck!
    Jessica #96

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    1. A non-contemp reader is intrigued! Yay! That's a win!

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  5. Hi, 58! I’m loving your concept here! It reminds me of a YA Addicted to Love. The writing in both your query and your sample is clean, but a few small changes can go a long way.

    Query:
    I would leave it as artist and cut the “wallflower” part. By saying she’s a wallflower and explaining how she blends into the background, you’re showing and telling. Also, what kind of an artist is Abby? Have you thought about including that detail?

    250:
    The following sentence is a little cliché. “Talk about pissing me off royally.” Think of a new Abby-like phrase to bump up the voice.
    Also, the third paragraph is in present tense and the others are in past. It should read as follows: “I never liked sitting up front. Aside from looking like a bonafide dork, Mr. Rausch had this charming habit of spitting whenever he was [might change this to “grew” so you can drop a pesky be verb] passionate about war (which, in Global History, was just about every day). And since spit-shields weren’t sold in the school supplies section at Staples, I steered clear of the front row. Hiding somewhere in the middle suited me fine, anyway. It was a way of life.”
    Other than that, fantastic sample. Loved the voice!

    Lots of luck to you! If you have questions, ask below in the comments or find me on Twitter (@novelista85). -Jessica

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    1. Thank you so much for your suggestions, Jessica. I appreciate all the help!

      You're not the first person to suggest scrapping that "Talk about pissing me off royally" sentence. I think I will take it out entirely. It's not working and the rest of teh piece seems to have enough voice that I don't need the extra bit there.

      As for the tense change, I absolutely understand what you mean but I'm not sure how to handle it. I do this deliberately throughout the manuscript so that it sounds like Abby is telling you the "past" story in real time with "present" internal thoughts/commentary. Does that information change your thoughts or do you still find it jarring? If so, I may need to revisit this technique. Yikes. It was done so well in Leila Sales' MOSTLY GOOD GIRLS, and I tried to emulate, but I may not have hit the mark. Would so appreciate your advice on that!

      Thank you!!!!

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  6. Hi JeanMarie!

    That's such a tricky situation, and it does make me stop and reconsider my advice to change the tense. But, after reading your 250 again, I still think it's a bit distracting. When I see a tense change so quickly, it makes me pause--and my sensitivity to this is definitely not as pronounced as the brilliant agents reading your work. This may not be a problem with the overall work; but I think you're changing tense too soon. Even in MOSTLY GOOD GIRLS, Sales begins in the present tense and stays in it for the first 5 pages. So I do believe you're dropping into present too quickly. And Sales has a clear transition from present into past, which I believe you could use if you want to keep the tense change. Also, Sales' use of present tense is more of a direct acknowledgement of the reader--sort of in a breaking-the-fourth-wall fashion.

    All this said, you have to be true to your story and your style. Sometimes 250 words isn't the best representation of ones' work, but (usually) a small sample is all agents have to go on. And, I admit, that sucks!

    Does that answer your question? Totally feel free to comment back/tweet!

    Jessica

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    1. So happy you responded, Jessica. Thanks so much for the insight and for bouncing ideas around with me. You have a valid point--that perhaps I'm switching tense too soon. I'll revisit this issue and see if I can push it deeper into the opening pages so that the reader is grounded first before I make that switch.

      Thanks again for the advice, much appreciated!

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  7. I missed this earlier in the week, but I like the premise and you show voice in the query so well! Not easy, so great job.

    I have a few notes for you on the query, feel free to take what you will and ignore the rest. I bracketed what I think you can cut; a lot of it is extra words that aren't needed, meaning you retain the same meaning after the cut. For example, you use the word herself four times, two are not needed:

    Sixteen-year-old artist [and wallflower,--I agree, take this out] Abby Wheeler[,] has blended [herself] into the background so well that she’s practically invisible. Even [the guy of her dreams] +dream guy (less wordy), Cooper Deal, barely knows she exists. He’s the soccer team captain with the popularity status to match--art freaks need not apply. Besides, Cooper’s girlfriend, Miss Teenage Dream herself, has already dug her claws in him and no amount of brute force will tear that she-monster away.

    When Abby accidentally slips about her secret infatuation in front of master manipulator Ian Koch, she’s sure her future involves being Ian’s blackmailed slave. [Craptastic.] [But] He makes an enticing proposal instead: he’ll keep his trap shut about Abby’s crush if she joins forces with him to end Cooper’s relationship[.] (use colon instead:) Operation Breakup. [Seems simple enough] Abby loves Cooper, Ian loves Cooper’s girlfriend, +so throwing a wedge between the supercouple[, and voilà!] +is the perfect opportunity [for Abby to change the course of her life].

    But making a deal with the devil comes with a price. As Ian’s demands grow increasingly risky, Abby’s [list of enemies - using "of" often makes sentences overly wordy] +enemy list piles high and Cooper’s girlfriend is at the top. Abby [finds herself] is knee-deep in blackmail, bribes and threats of exposure. The only thing keeping her grounded is the growing spark between her and Cooper Deal—-(needs the double dash) a spark she hopes is real. [But] At the rate she’s going, Cooper may not know [the real] Abby's [or her] true intentions when Operation Breakup’s mission is complete. She’s not even sure she’ll know herself.

    I hope the edit suggestions help; my intention was not to rewrite your query but to show how fewer words can sharpen it. The first 250 has great dialogue and excellent pacing. Best of luck to you!

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    1. I realized when this posted that you already had the em dash after Cooper Deal in the last paragraph, and also I blocked out that last line of the second when I'd mean to just block out "change the course of her life." I think you can be more specific here. Like: the perfect opportunity to make Operation Breakup a success.

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  8. Thanks, Steph. These are great trimming suggestions. I appreciate it. I'm going to use a lot of it when I revise tonight.

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  9. Just checking out the CAGI finalists now and totally fell in love with this one! Good luck!

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