Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #89


Title: RACE TO BUTCH CASSIDY'S GOLD
Genre: MG Mystery
Word Count: 43,000 

Query:

Twelve-year-old Maggie McCoy wants to be brave and spontaneous. But she’s not. Especially when it comes to school bullies and flying by the seat of her pants. So when she and her fearless cousin Jake stumble upon century-old clues leading to gold coins hidden by Butch Cassidy—farm boy turned infamous bank robber of the Wild West—she crumples her ‘to-do’ list to prove she really can be daring and impulsive.

And at first, searching for gold with Jake and their quirky Grandpa Jim in his beat-up Winnebago is the grand adventure she’s always wanted. But Maggie’s newfound courage falters when she learns they must outsmart and outrun a dangerous thief who is also after the treasure.

The race is on. But, just as Maggie and Jake think they’ve solved the mystery, Jake is captured and all the ‘to-do’ lists in the world won’t save him. Only Maggie can, if she can find the courage.  

RACE TO BUTCH CASSIDY'S GOLD is a 40,000-word middle grade mystery where Maggie's present-day adventures parallel Butch Cassidy's past until mystery and history collide. This book stands alone, but can open the door for a series that exposes readers to fast-paced adventures across the fifty states.

With a Master’s degree in Elementary Education, I have been both an elementary and middle school teacher. I am a regular attendee of writers’ conferences and have three published magazine articles. I created the successful marketing website, Giveaway Today, with an apex of 176,000 page views per month.

First 250 Words:

Twelve seconds until summer vacation. Maggie’s eyes locked on the jerking hand of the classroom clock that counted down the last seconds of sixth grade. Someone in the back of the room began chanting, “Ten, nine, eight—”

Everyone else joined in, “Seven, six—”

Almost time! Maggie thought, sitting at the edge of her seat.

“Five, four—”

Just a few more seconds.

“THREE, TWO—”

Now!

“ONE!!”

RRRRINGGGG!! The class erupted into cheers.

Maggie jumped out of her seat, slung her pink backpack over her shoulder, and slipped out the classroom door. As she ran down the school’s rickety old steps, she pulled the ‘to-do’ list she had carefully prepared the night before out of her back pocket.

Five minutes. That’s how long she’d given herself to make it to Slotz Convenience Store. She studied the large crowd in front of her and took a deep breath. She examined her bright green digital watch, pushed the start button, and took off running. 

“To your left,” she called, pushing past a circle of fifth grade girls in a group hug. “Coming through.” Maggie sidestepped a large boy picking gum off the bottom of his shoe. “Watch out.” She darted around a curly-haired girl rummaging through her backpack. Just a few more steps and Maggie would bust out of the crowd. She glanced at her watch again. One minute down, four to go. So far so good. She thought she just might make it in time. 

Boy, was she wrong.

8 comments:

  1. I really like this! It's very smooth, fast and memorable; exactly what you want in a query and opening. Maggie's personality shines though so quickly, and nothing feels forced or awkward. This is one of the better entries I've seen. Even though I know nothing about Butch Cassidy, I'm hooked!

    - ash
    #57

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi #89! This is your first-round judge comment.

    Comments on your query:

    I like your first two sentences; good way to establish who Maggie is and what her problem is. I think “flying by the seat of her pants” is too metaphorical if you’re talking about a character making spontaneous decisions in high-pressure situations, though. Good ending to the first paragraph. It establishes something Maggie does—making “to-do” lists—and shows her taking an honest step toward changing something important about herself.

    I wouldn’t touch the second paragraph at all, though the line about the Winnebago did make that sentence run a bit long. (Not terribly so, though.) Good guys and bad guys chasing the same treasure in a race against time is kind of a predictable storyline, but sometimes traditional works because it’s good. I do find myself hoping at this point that your characters can be quirky as advertised in order to keep the interest high and guarantee that readers want to tune in to see this classic plot again.

    I really want your last line of plot synopsis to sing, and “Only Maggie can, if she can find the courage” doesn’t really do it for me. The “. . . IF she can find the courage” phrase should feel like it’s followed by a dramatic “dun-dun-DUN!” but it gets a little lost while connected to “Only Maggie can”—almost like an afterthought. Don’t flip it into a hypothetical question or anything—a lot of agents hate that whole “but can she find the courage???” thing, because of course she can, but I suggest finding some way to drum up drama with your last line. I like that it connects her “courage” with the first line about wanting to be brave. You really come full circle here, which makes it a tight and polished package.

    I think it might be unnecessary to insert personal information that is not particularly relevant. Your marketing website information seems extraneous; please remember that queries are supposed to be as short as possible, and since you’ve got TWO paragraphs of information in this query that are not part of the synopsis, I think you have a little cutting to do here. The angle on lining your story up with an actual historical event is a good one, too; as a teacher, you surely know that such educational aids would be welcomed in classrooms. (I have an elementary ed degree too. High five!)

    I think the only thing going against you in this query is its slight wordiness. (Far be it for someone like me to complain about wordiness, but I know how important it is to be concise in a query.) You do a good job presenting your story’s concept, characters, problem, and hopeful resolution in an appealing way.

    Language notes on the query:

    * “she crumples her ‘to-do’ list”—I do not know whether this manuscript is for United States audiences, but American English uses double quotation marks, not singles, for situations like you’ve got here on “to-do.”

    * “But, just as Maggie and Jake”—No need for a comma after “But.”

    * I see a mixture of smart quotes and dumb quotes throughout this query. (Check your fourth paragraph and you’ll see all the straight quotes, when compared with the curly ones in the other paragraphs.) You need to really watch this sort of thing because it makes it clear the text has been transferred between formats and has undergone revisions in more than one program. I recommend switching all dumb quotes to smart quotes.

    * “40,000-word middle grade mystery where”—I suggest using “in which” instead of “where.”

    * “I have been both an elementary and middle school teacher”—Say “I have been both an elementary and a middle school teacher” (so you’re not applying the wrong article to “middle school teacher”), or just simplify and say “I have taught both elementary and middle school.”

    ReplyDelete
  3. Comments on your first 250:

    Okay, I really like how relatable the countdown to the end of sixth grade is at the beginning of your first page. Everyone’s been there. Great way to suck us in and immediately make us feel comfortable with what’s going on.

    You have a good sense of how to frame detail. Throwing in notes about Maggie’s “pink” backpack and the school’s “rickety” steps never seems overdone. Some authors have a really hard time with this and can’t stop throwing adjectives at everything in their path, so it’s refreshing to see someone who’s found a natural balance.

    “Five minutes. That’s how long she’d given herself to make it to Slotz Convenience Store.”—This is an excellent way to show us how scripted Maggie has chosen to make her life. We don’t really know at this point whether there’s a reason she needs to be there in five minutes or whether blocking out her entire life is part of her personality, but at this point I’m getting a vibe that she’s a self-imposed over-scheduled child and if that’s how you want us to see her at the beginning you’re doing a good job.

    “She thought she just might make it in time.”—This seems a little too tell-ish. Maybe you can replace this piece of narration with an actual quote of Maggie’s thought, like “Yes! I might actually make it in time!

    You have a good storytelling style—very visual, which will probably work well within the age group you’re aiming at. It’s smooth and tells us a lot in very few words, so unless the rest of the story runs into plot issues or saggy pacing, I think your prospects for success with it are pretty strong.

    Language notes on the first 250:

    * “Maggie’s eyes locked on the jerking hand of the classroom clock that counted down the last seconds of sixth grade.”—This would be much smoother if you wrote “the classroom clock as it counted down the last seconds of sixth grade.”

    * “she pulled the ‘to-do’ list”—Same comment applies from my query comment on quotes for “to-do” lists.

    * “So far so good.”—Ordinarily I prefer to see “So far, so good” with a comma. But there’s wiggle room.

    Please feel free to reply or contact me privately if you have any questions about my feedback. I’m honest but I don’t bite. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi #89! This is your first-round judge comment, and after I posted my comments on your query, I think they were eaten by the Internet (apparently) and never showed up. I usually post query comments first and first 250 comments second. I'm sorry this is out of order, and I hope it doesn't post twice. Without further ado!

    Comments on your query:

    I like your first two sentences; good way to establish who Maggie is and what her problem is. I think “flying by the seat of her pants” is too metaphorical if you’re talking about a character making spontaneous decisions in high-pressure situations, though. Good ending to the first paragraph. It establishes something Maggie does—making “to-do” lists—and shows her taking an honest step toward changing something important about herself.

    I wouldn’t touch the second paragraph at all, though the line about the Winnebago did make that sentence run a bit long. (Not terribly so, though.) Good guys and bad guys chasing the same treasure in a race against time is kind of a predictable storyline, but sometimes traditional works because it’s good. I do find myself hoping at this point that your characters can be quirky as advertised in order to keep the interest high and guarantee that readers want to tune in to see this classic plot again.

    I really want your last line of plot synopsis to sing, and “Only Maggie can, if she can find the courage” doesn’t really do it for me. The “. . . IF she can find the courage” phrase should feel like it’s followed by a dramatic “dun-dun-DUN!” but it gets a little lost while connected to “Only Maggie can”—almost like an afterthought. Don’t flip it into a hypothetical question or anything—a lot of agents hate that whole “but can she find the courage???” thing, because of course she can, but I suggest finding some way to drum up drama with your last line. I like that it connects her “courage” with the first line about wanting to be brave. You really come full circle here, which makes it a tight and polished package.

    I think it might be unnecessary to insert personal information that is not particularly relevant. Your marketing website information seems extraneous; please remember that queries are supposed to be as short as possible, and since you’ve got TWO paragraphs of information in this query that are not part of the synopsis, I think you have a little cutting to do here. The angle on lining your story up with an actual historical event is a good one, too; as a teacher, you surely know that such educational aids would be welcomed in classrooms. (I have an elementary ed degree too. High five!)

    I think the only thing going against you in this query is its slight wordiness. (Far be it for someone like me to complain about wordiness, but I know how important it is to be concise in a query.) You do a good job presenting your story’s concept, characters, problem, and hopeful resolution in an appealing way.

    Language notes on the query:

    * “she crumples her ‘to-do’ list”—I do not know whether this manuscript is for United States audiences, but American English uses double quotation marks, not singles, for situations like you’ve got here on “to-do.”

    * “But, just as Maggie and Jake”—No need for a comma after “But.”

    * I see a mixture of smart quotes and dumb quotes throughout this query. (Check your fourth paragraph and you’ll see all the straight quotes, when compared with the curly ones in the other paragraphs.) You need to really watch this sort of thing because it makes it clear the text has been transferred between formats and has undergone revisions in more than one program. I recommend switching all dumb quotes to smart quotes.

    * “40,000-word middle grade mystery where”—I suggest using “in which” instead of “where.”

    * “I have been both an elementary and middle school teacher”—Say “I have been both an elementary and a middle school teacher” (so you’re not applying the wrong article to “middle school teacher”), or just simplify and say “I have taught both elementary and middle school.”

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi #89, it's your first-round judge again; please forgive me if this posts more than once, but this is now my third time trying to make my review of your query show up, and for some reason even though I've not had this problem with any of my other comments, this particular piece of my feedback is not showing up for me. (I wonder if I have a bad keyword that makes this thing think I'm spam?) Hopefully it will take this time.

    Comments on your query:

    I like your first two sentences; good way to establish who Maggie is and what her problem is. I think “flying by the seat of her pants” is too metaphorical if you’re talking about a character making spontaneous decisions in high-pressure situations, though. Good ending to the first paragraph. It establishes something Maggie does—making “to-do” lists—and shows her taking an honest step toward changing something important about herself.

    I wouldn’t touch the second paragraph at all, though the line about the Winnebago did make that sentence run a bit long. (Not terribly so, though.) Good guys and bad guys chasing the same treasure in a race against time is kind of a predictable storyline, but sometimes traditional works because it’s good. I do find myself hoping at this point that your characters can be quirky as advertised in order to keep the interest high and guarantee that readers want to tune in to see this classic plot again.

    I really want your last line of plot synopsis to sing, and “Only Maggie can, if she can find the courage” doesn’t really do it for me. The “. . . IF she can find the courage” phrase should feel like it’s followed by a dramatic “dun-dun-DUN!” but it gets a little lost while connected to “Only Maggie can”—almost like an afterthought. Don’t flip it into a hypothetical question or anything—a lot of agents hate that whole “but can she find the courage???” thing, because of course she can, but I suggest finding some way to drum up drama with your last line. I like that it connects her “courage” with the first line about wanting to be brave. You really come full circle here, which makes it a tight and polished package.

    I think it might be unnecessary to insert personal information that is not particularly relevant. Your site information seems extraneous; please remember that queries are supposed to be as short as possible, and since you’ve got TWO paragraphs of information in this query that are not part of the synopsis, I think you have a little cutting to do here. The angle on lining your story up with an actual historical event is a good one, too; as a teacher, you surely know that such educational aids would be welcomed in classrooms. (I have an elementary ed degree too. High five!)

    I think the only thing going against you in this query is its slight wordiness. (Far be it for someone like me to complain about wordiness, but I know how important it is to be concise in a query.) You do a good job presenting your story’s concept, characters, problem, and hopeful resolution in an appealing way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Language notes on the query:

    * “she crumples her ‘to-do’ list”—I do not know whether this manuscript is for United States audiences, but American English uses double quotation marks, not singles, for situations like you’ve got here on “to-do.”

    * “But, just as Maggie and Jake”—No need for a comma after “But.”

    * I see a mixture of smart quotes and dumb quotes throughout this query. (Check your fourth paragraph and you’ll see all the straight quotes, when compared with the curly ones in the other paragraphs.) You need to really watch this sort of thing because it makes it clear the text has been transferred between formats and has undergone revisions in more than one program. I recommend switching all dumb quotes to smart quotes.

    * “40,000-word middle grade mystery where”—I suggest using “in which” instead of “where.”

    * “I have been both an elementary and middle school teacher”—Say “I have been both an elementary and a middle school teacher” (so you’re not applying the wrong article to “middle school teacher”), or just simplify and say “I have taught both elementary and middle school.”

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love your first 250 words... introduces the character very well. The query is great too... the only thing I really see there is the use of the word "but"... I've been called out on overusing it myself... the first "but" is fine, but I think the last one can go. Of course, that's ultimately up to you. In any case, great job... I love the premise and would totally read it, even though I don't read much MG.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I really enjoyed this opening. It feels fresh and lively, and I agree with Julie that you show a great balance of description with action. This looks like a strong entry. Good luck!

    ReplyDelete