Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #67


Title: SPARKLE
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word Count: 53,000

Query:

Fifteen-year-old Taylor Schuman unravels a famous fashion designer’s adoption secret like it’s a loose hem on her borrowed homecoming dress.

Asking her secret crush to slow dance is humiliating enough, but when she discovers adoption papers proving her best friend’s really the daughter of a wealthy fashion designer―that’s messed up. What’s worse, the attorney knows Taylor legally crossed the line to uncover the lies surrounding the adoption, and he’s not afraid to use his power. Taylor is forced to stay quiet or face Juvie.

Taylor must decide whether to expose the secret at the risk of losing her friend, or help the designer find her daughter. And sometime between all of that, figure out what to do about the cute guy.

First 250:

So I finally scored a date with Kyle Baldwin. The screwed up part? It was only because his girlfriend was at home with the stomach flu, and couldn’t go to the homecoming dance. I’m a better option than puke. Not the best way to make a girl feel like Cinderella.

Heck to the yes, even if my Disney princess status was in definite question without a dress. I didn’t have Cinderella’s little blue birds. I didn’t even have a few rats with handy-dandy scissors. What I did have?

Our next door neighbor and my mom’s best friend, Nancy Kline. Yep. The Nancy Kline. The fashion designer who sold her label to Thalia. She insisted I wear one of her newest couture designs to the dance. Me. In couture. Like I’d say no to that.

Nancy’s gargantuan closet was filled with high-end designer threads. It was impossible to pick a favorite, until I saw the short sequined strapless dress. “This is it.”

I wiggled out of my Seven jeans and tossed my T-shirt to the floor. “It’s fabulous.” I stood in front of Nancy’s full-length mirror and liked what I saw. The crisscross ribbons made my waist look smaller, and the feathers dangled off my thighs making me feel like an angel¾minus the halo. I looked better than me. “I love, love, love it.”

“Taylor, you look stunning.” Nancy’s dramatized tone was convincing, and I wanted to believe her.

But I kept fidgeting, pulling up the loose fabric under my armpits.

7 comments:

  1. I like the writing here. Nice sense of voice. There are one or two bits that rubbed me the wrong way e.g. 'Heck to the yes' - just didn't like this at all.

    My only other nitpick is I had a mixed idea of the MC's opinion of herself. She loves the way the dress makes her look, but doesn't believe Nancy and overall seems a little shy and awkward. That's the impression I got anyway.

    Overall you've done a great job!

    ReplyDelete
  2. This definitely sounds interesting, but I'm a little confused by your query. I don't really see what homecoming has to do with the adoption, or who the attorney is, or how Taylor found out about these things in the first place. Maybe re-order the query to make it more clear - start with who Taylor is, and what her problems are, and maybe mention the best friend and the cute guy (or the designer, since she's in the opening pages). Then introduce her finding the adoption papers (How did this happen? How was it illegal?) and what it means for her best friend to be the daughter of this designer, and then hit us with the stakes (which I did get a good feel of in this query).

    I like the voice in the 250 words, but I wonder if it would be better to start in the scene (maybe with her looking at the clothes, or trying them on) and then mention Kyle and the dance, and all of that. It might just be my personal preference, but I prefer openings that start in the middle of the scene, instead of with "telling." Hope that makes sense. But overall, great job!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Elizabeth,

    Thank you! Trying to balance intrigue and plot within the query is challenging. I certainly can rearrange the order to clear up any confusion. Wow - you're gook at throwing punches - I mean that in a good way. Love your questions. I'm a why girl.

    QUERY: Taylor Schuman is secretly crushing on her BFF's step brother, Kyle. But that's not the only secret she's keeping. It's her own stupid fault for snooping, finding adoption papers. Learning that her neighbor's baby, presumed to have died years ago, is alive and may be her best friend-that's messed up.

    Better? Still working on second paragraph. I don't want to reveal too much re: attorney - lots of twists - mystery.

    FIRST 250: I have no problem starting the story later. I certainly don't want to "tell" -- SHOW SHOW SHOW.

    Your critique has been very helpful, and I appreciate you. FYI - I love all your puppies :) (Promise - I'm not a stalker)

    Thank you,
    Robbin




    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. Glad it was helpful! Your query had all the right elements, they just need a little re-ordering or something. But I think your new version will clear up all that confusion.

      Delete
  4. In case anyone is reading this, I've tweaked my query with Elizabeth's stellar advice.

    Fifteen-year-old Taylor Schuman knows it’s her own stupid fault for snooping. She had no idea her BFF’s really the daughter to a neighbor, who supposedly lost her child in a car accident years before―neither does her BFF. That’s messed up.

    So is crushing on a cute guy who girlfriend is Taylor’s high school nemesis. But when Taylor discovers his father is the attorney who handled the neighbor’s adoption, she confides in him. The screwed up part, his father changed the facts. With the cute guy’s help, Taylor gets the proof she needs to uncover the lies surrounding the adoption. When the father finds out, he’s not afraid to us his power, and Taylor is forced to stay quiet or face Juvie.

    Now, Taylor must decide whether to expose the secret at the risk of losing her friend, or help the neighbor find her daughter. And sometime between all of that, figure out what to do about the cute guy.

    SPARKLE is a 53,000-word YA Contemporary that may also appeal to fans of THE LIAR SOCIETY and THE DUFF GIRLS.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I like this one better :) {I promise, I'm done now].

    Taylor Schuman knows it’s her own stupid fault for snooping. She had no idea her BFF’s really the daughter to a neighbor, who supposedly lost her child in a car accident years before―neither does her BFF. That’s messed up.

    So is crushing on a cute guy whose girlfriend is Taylor’s high school nemesis. But when Taylor discovers his father is the attorney that handled the neighbor’s adoption, she confides in him. He helps. The screwed up part, his father changed the facts. Taylor is determined to find the truth, but the way she goes about getting the evidence is not okay. She gets caught, and the father will stop at nothing to keep his secret. He threatened her to stay quiet or face Juvie.

    Taylor must decide whether to expose the secret at the risk of losing her friend, or help the neighbor find her daughter. And sometime between all of that, figure out what to do about the cute guy.

    SPARKLE is a 53,000-word YA Contemporary that may also appeal to fans of THE LIAR SOCIETY and THE DUFF GIRLS.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hello #67! I don’t have time for in-depth qualitative analyses right now, but here is the language/spelling/punctuation-only grammar-fairy drive-by you requested on Twitter! Hope it helps you clean up for the next round.

    Language notes on the query:

    * “a wealthy fashion designer―that’s messed up”—Here you’ve got an incorrectly used en dash. Check out a usage guide for hints on the differences between hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes. (This should be an em dash.)

    * “Taylor legally crossed the line”—Using “legally” there at first made me think Taylor was within her rights doing so, when a second read made me think you were going for saying she was crossing a legal line.

    And because you revised your query, some thoughts on the one posted in the comments:

    * “in a car accident years before―neither does her BFF”—Same thoughts on en dashes vs. em dashes, of course, but I think this sentence makes more sense with an “and” right before “neither.”

    * “The screwed up part, his father changed the facts.”—A comma doesn’t work here; you’d need to either use a comma or say something like “The screwed up part is that his father changed the facts.” I see a lot of “messed up” and “screwed up” going on in this query so it’s a bit repetitive.

    * “She gets caught, and the father will stop at nothing to keep his secret. He threatened her to stay quiet or face Juvie.”—You’ve changed tenses here. She “gets” caught but he “threatened” her. Best to change “threatened” to “threatens.”

    Language notes on your first 250:

    * “like an angel¾minus the halo”—I’m assuming that was a formatting glitch and I don’t know if it was yours or some kind of glitch in translation to the blog post or some kind of display issue on my end, but that ¾ doesn’t belong there. I’m guessing em dash?

    Hope maybe this helps a little in revising your query for approaching agents. Good luck.

    ReplyDelete