Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #73


Title: DARKLING
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 72,000

Query:

Seventeen-year-old Taela does what she must to survive, but she doesn’t think of herself as a murderer. When the sister she idolizes is executed for treason, Taela vows to avenge her death--even if it means killing the kingdom’s only hope for salvation. Some believe renegade leader Hawke is destined to save their land from an ancient evil. To Taela, the drunken ass who charmed her sister and left her to die is no hero.

The road to revenge leads Taela to the mysterious Darkling Forest.  Lost among shape-shifting trees, she has disturbing visions of evil deeds taking place in the castle.  Innocent men are being turned into drone soldiers for the king’s army.  When a soldier with no soul attacks, Taela puts her vendetta aside and makes a truce with Hawke to fight against the king. Their fragile alliance will be put to the test when Taela discovers the truth about her sister’s death, and it forever ties Taela’s destiny to the very man she wants to destroy.

I'm an active member of SCBWI and blog about writing at Tales from the Darkling Forest.

First 250

Taela wasn’t a thief, not usually, but sometimes people had to do things they didn’t like. She slipped into the cool darkness of the storage shed and quietly latched the door.  Her heart beat rapidly and she took a deep breath to calm herself.  She made a silent vow that this would be the end.  Tonight, she would fulfill her promise, no matter what it cost her or how much it frightened her. 

Ribbons of moonlight shone through the slats of the old wooden structure, falling across the crates, casks and barrels stacked around her.  She had to be quick.  She rummaged through a crate, grabbed a handful of dried apricots and few shriveled potatoes and stuffed them into her pack.

Standing on tiptoe, she reached up to the top shelf for the stoneware crock that held last season’s summerbeans.  She slid the container to the edge and eased it off the shelf, but the crock was heavier than she expected.  Before she could get a good grip, it slipped from her hands, fell to the dirt floor and shattered with a crash.  She jumped back as shards of pottery and beans scattered at her feet. 

Blast it!  Probably just woke the whole village. 

She grabbed her pack and scrambled toward the weathered door, but the sound of footsteps approaching stopped her.  Too late.  She ducked into the shadows and hid behind a barrel.  Blood rushed in her ears.  The sour smell of vinegar from the shattered crock overpowered the scents of aging wood and hay. 

13 comments:

  1. I think I saw and commented on this at WriteOnCon? I think this is lovely. I've really liked it from the start. I think the concept is really interesting and your query sets up for a very intriguing story.

    The line ribbons of moonlight is brilliant :) It conjures a picture in my head right away.

    I think the only thing that I would comment on, and only because I have gotten it a lot with my own story, is that your MC's voice needs to be a little more prominent in the first few pages. I get a sense of everything really well and the first paragraph is excellent, but then her voice dies off a bit.

    Again, I love this! I really like where it was going and the comment I made was in no way distracting. I would've kept right on reading. I really hope to see this on shelves some day!

    Best of luck!
    Jessica #96

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    1. Yep, this was up on WriteOnCon. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks so much for your comments!

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  2. 'She slipped into the cool darkness of the storage shed and quietly latched the door.' You could maybe consider starting here instead, replacing she with Taela. We can be shown she's stealing something and doesn't like it, and I think it might leave the reader to wonder where she is, where she's going, why her heart is beating rapidly etc.

    'She made a silent vow that this would be the end. Tonight, she would fulfill her promise, no matter what it cost her or how much it frightened her.' Nice foreshadowing.

    'Ribbons of moonlight' - nice.

    'Standing on tiptoe, she reached up to the top shelf for the stoneware crock that held last season’s summerbeans.' Good showing in these descriptions - it's setting place for me.

    'shattered with a crash.' - a crash might be implied - we see her reaction in the following sentences.

    Anyway you've done a great job here. Teriffic stuff.

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    1. Well, it's funny you should say that, because it used to start out with "she slipped into the cool darkness..." but then someone suggested I switch it and start with the "thief" part. That's the way it goes sometimes. I think it could work either way.

      Thanks so much for your comments.

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  3. I like this query. Classic line: "To Taela, the drunken ass who charmed her sister and left her to die is no hero."

    Your first 250 is full of wonderful imagery and suspense.

    Well done!

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    1. Thanks! I like the "drunken ass" line too. Gives Taela a little bit of an edge. Glad you like it.

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  4. Hi, hi! Taela sounds awesome. I love a main character with circumstantial/flexible morals.

    QUERY: The query is great and super polished. I love the immediate conflict you present. I keep saying this, and it might just be a personal thing, but I would have loved to see some comps.

    FIRST250: I love the first half of this line, "Taela wasn’t a thief, not usually, but sometimes people had to do things they didn’t like." But the second half falls a little flat for me. That first statement is just so strong and sets the bar high. The second clause needs to flip that first clause on its head. Why is she now a thief? Hook me! I caught a few cliches too. "..heart beating rapidly..." also felt a little on the cliche side to me. "Blast it!" felt a little cliche too. This is a great time to showcase Taela's voice, so unless this is totally in her vocab, I would use more personal language. And lastly, I would have loved to see the first 250 end with an action and not imagery. (Although, the imagery was lovely.)

    Best of luck and may the odds be ever in your favor. ;) Hit me up on Twitter (@andimjulie) if you have any questions.

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    1. Ooops, my fault. I forget to add the comps to the entry. It should have read:

      It will appeal to fans of Kristin Cashore or Jennifer A Nielsen.

      Unfortunately, the door handle turning, didn't make it into the first 250. : }


      Would the first line work better if it said:

      Taela wasn’t a thief. Not usually. Sometimes people had to do things they didn’t like. Sometimes they had to lie and keep secrets, or steal from their own family.

      Thanks for the suggestions. I appreciate your input.

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    2. And thanks for all your work on this contest.

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    3. Hmm... I actually think this might be a step in the wrong direction. I like the idea of keeping it one sentence with two clauses. There's a lot of different things you can do with the second clause, but it should flip the first clause on its head. Ya know? :)

      Good luck!

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    4. OK, thanks for your comments, Julie. I'll give it some more thought.

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  5. Wow, I was hoping to offer some insight into how to improve your query but damn...I love it. Conflict from the start, intrigue, siding with enemies that might not be what they seem...I kinda want to inquire about your beta-reader pool! The first pages are great, full of imagery and giving us insight into your MC. Love that she has survival instincts and realizes she can't please those and her morals too. It's an interesting dynamic. I'm not sure about the last line of your query. I don't have much experience with querying, but I feel like with such a strong query the mention of your blog almost weakens it a bit. It might just be a personal preference though. Good luck!

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  6. Thanks, Mara! I really appreciate your comments. So nice of you to say.

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