Title:
STAYING DEAD
Genre:
YA Dark Fantasy
Word
Count: 82,000
Query:
Persephone
Mead wakes up in a house with no ceiling, a bed covered with flowers, and a
giant shard of glass embedded in her chest. Normal fifteen-year-old girls would
start freaking out here. Persephone is not a normal fifteen-year-old girl.
All she
wants to know is: Did it work? Is she back? After everything she’s been
through, has she finally made it?
But it
doesn’t last. It never lasts.
And soon
enough, she’s thrown back. Back down towards Earth. Back down towards a world
full of smoke, debris, and wailing ambulances.
Persephone
is not a normal fifteen-year-old girl. Because she just can’t seem to
stay dead. And she has no idea why.
First
250:
When your
eardrum gets blown apart, something weird happens. Right before everything goes
silent, there’s this freaky ringing in your ear.
Not a lot
of people know this, but that ringing in your ears? It’s actually the sound of
dying cells. What you’re hearing is actually the last time you’ll ever get to
hear that particular note. When it’s gone, it’s gone forever.
And right
now, it was as if there was an entire orchestra of notes, all ringing, all
dying, and that sound just drowned out everything. It drowned out the sirens,
it drowned out the screaming. It even drowned out the firefighter who was
trying to drag me to safety. I think he was yelling something at me, but I
couldn’t tell. I couldn’t hear a thing.
I
blinked, staring up at the sky. Everything was coming in and out of focus for
some reason. Blurry, sharp, blurry, sharp. Was there something wrong with my
eyes too?
Ironically,
it was actually a nice day.
The sky
was blue, bluer than I had ever seen before. And in the distance, flocks of
birds twittered, darting this way and that, chasing each other like playful
children. Briefly, the sun winked at me before disappearing beneath a group of
puffy white clouds and I sighed as a warm summer breeze washed over me.
Great.
The first nice day we get in a long, long time and I was going to miss it.
Is that stuff about your ear ringing really true??
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by your 250 :) The query was a bit off for me, but that was personal taste, not anything wrong with the query itself; I'm not much of a dark fantasy reader.
But I like the style you've got, this sort of casual, intelligent voice. Just a gut reaction of "I like this character."
The only criticism I would put out there is that there could be some tightening up of the 250 (and in the query as well). The sentence "I couldn't hear a thing" seems unnecessary and the paragraph might be stronger without it. There are also a few words here and there that don't add much and could be easily deleted to make it feel polished.
But overall I was unexpectedly drawn in by that whole eardrum thing and am definitely curious to know if it's true in real life, haha.
Thanks so much for your awesome feedback, Ashley!
DeleteAnd yes, the eardrum thing is true. O.O
Not sure if the ringing in the ears stuff is true? I know it's caused by injury to the ears after loud noises, but it sounds kind of urban legend like to me.
ReplyDelete'It drowned out the sirens, it drowned out the screaming. It even drowned out the firefighter who was trying to drag me to safety.' Maybe consider combining these three lines? Might give it a better flow - I got slowed down a little with the repititions of drowned.
'I couldn’t hear a thing.' Except ringing?
'Everything was coming in and out of focus for some reason. Blurry, sharp, blurry, sharp. Was there something wrong with my eyes too?' This confused me very slighly, because I had the impression the MC knows about her dying etc, especially based on the next few lines. So would she be surprised or unsure about this? It seems at odds with her thoughts on hearing too - she's been blown up, stops to tell us about ear science, but isn't sure why her eyes are blurry?
Anyhow overall it's an intriguing premise and I think you've done a pretty good job!
In terms of the query, I did find it a little confusing there - I didn't feel like I got a good sense of the story and what Persephone wants (other than to die?) Is there an antagonist? Despite that, I like the start, and I'd read on :)
Ironically, it was actually a nice day.
The sky was blue, bluer than I had ever seen before. And in the distance, flocks of birds twittered, darting this way and that, chasing each other like playful children. Briefly, the sun winked at me before disappearing beneath a group of puffy white clouds and I sighed as a warm summer breeze washed over me.
Great. The first nice day we get in a long, long time and I was going to miss it.
Yup, the ear thing is true.
DeleteAnd yes, to answer your question about the query, there is an antagonist, but I wanted to keep it clean and not bog it down with too many details. I'll definitely think about how to make it less confusing.
Thank you so much for the detailed feedback, Jess! You rock!
Okay, I really liked this a lot! I do know the stuff about the ear is true :) The doctor told it to my cousin after his eardrum blew out and it wouldn't stop ringing. So no worries there.
ReplyDeleteThe query was strange and pretty much breaks all the rules, but it works for me. The only thing that i was wondering was why she wanted to die so bad. Was it because she hates her life or is she just amazed at the fact she can't die? Nice touch having her name be Persephone!
The only thing I might change is the "It doesn't last. It never lasts" I might just change the last lasts to does. I think it would just read better.
Overall, very nice! Best of luck!
Jessica #96
Thanks for confirming the ear ringing fact, Jessica. :)
DeleteTo clarify, Persephone definitely doesn't hate her life and it's not the reason she wants to die. (That would be way too "EMO" :P)
I checked out your entry and it's great! Best of luck to you and thanks for your kind words.
Wow- GREAT start to your story. I was so interested in the ear thing, lol. I really enjoyed this, and I wanted to keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI love queries that break rules. I did the same thing with The Murder Complex. It works for some agents. Doesn't work for others. But who cares? I agree with Jessica about the fact that I just wanted to know WHY she wanted to die- give us that bit of info, and I think you'll be okay.
LOVE this. Fun!
This comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteThank you so much for your feedback, Lindsay! And congrats on getting The Murder Complex published! Can't wait to read it :)
DeleteI love the concept here. I recognize your story from PItch Madness -- congrats, by the way. When I first read your opening on the other blog, I had the same reaction as some of the other posters. Is that true about the ear? Although on one hand it seems like an odd way to open, it's obviously working because you're really drawing people in and encouraging us to read more.
ReplyDeleteI tend to like many of your stylistic choices -- word/sound repetition, etc. I would consider using a little more restraint with them only so, when you do use them, they have greater effect. Also, in the first 250, I found the description of the day (sky, birds, etc.) unsettling. Could she really appreciate all those details in the midst of dying? Then again, if dying has become so commonplace for her, maybe she can. I suspect that would become more clear in the next couple hundred words.
As for the query, I like the creative approach you take, although I think it needs to be honed. I agree with a prior post that some mention of the antagonist or at least a hint at the explanation of the rebirth (redeath?) is necessary. Also, I think the first sentence could have better rhythm, and the second sentence would benefit from the omission of the word "here."
Overall, I think you have a strong query and opening. I'm intrigued and would love to read more!
Best of luck. Give me a shout if you have a chance.
Monica -- #75 Prime Grade
Thanks so much, Monica!
DeleteI'll definitely look into improving the first sentence and rhythm of the query.
I left some comments on your entry. I hope it's useful.
I remember this from WriteOn, and I love the changes you made to the query. It's a rule breaker, but it really works in my opinion. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi SStokes!
DeleteI'm so glad you like the changes! Huge thanks to you and all the other amazing writers who gave me awesome feedback.
Day=made. You rock!
Now, I'm off to look for your entry...
Okay, that ringing in the ears thing is scary. So many concerts...
ReplyDeleteYup. And I used to go to a lot of dance clubs too. Oops.
ReplyDeleteI like this query quite a bit! It does break the rules, and there are a few places where I think it could flow better, but I'm intrigued by the concept and I think your hook at the end is strong.
ReplyDeleteFor the first 250, I think you're doing okay although there's some tense issues ("right now... was") and as a rule of thumb, I tend to be skeptical of descriptions of weather on the first page.
I like the ear drum fact, and while it's weird, I do think it's a great opener.
I would read on.
Thank you so much for your insight, Rick! I'm so glad you like the query and ear drum fact.
DeleteThere's a reason why I mention weather in the 250, but it doesn't get revealed until later in the page. I'll see if there's a way to make it more obvious. I will also look at the tense issues and the flow.
Kudos to you, Cupid, and all the other judges for all your hard work! Feedback like this is invaluable!
Cheers!