Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #96


Title: BLOOD AND HONOR
Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 95,000

Query:

As heir to the Shadow Realms, sixteen-year-old Bramlyn Shadowborne should excel at lies and have a talent for evil; graced with the pathetic Gift of Healing, Bram is forced to concede her throne to her twin who wields far darker powers and isn't picky about when to use them. She flees to the only place that will give her sanctuary, the most powerful out of the nine Kingdoms of Light. The King grants her clemency on three conditions. Bram must hone her Gift for his use, renounce all ties to her people, and sit on his Council as adviser on the Shadow Realms. Seeing as how death is her only other option, Bram is forced to agree

Bram is just settling into life in a foreign court when urgent messages from home arrive. Her people beg her to overthrow her twin who has gone mad with power and launched a bloody massacre against his people. Bram refuses, fearing for her life in the Kingdom of Light. When her people start a rebellion in her name, she must choose between aiding the rebels or protecting the kingdom that gave her sanctuary. If she chooses to help her country, the Kingdoms of Light will declare war. If she chooses to remain in the Kingdom of Light, it means her twin’s plan for domination will succeed.

First 250:

A whimper echoed down the windowless corridor and Bramlyn Shadowborne felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. She hated this section of the palace and if creepy wails were going to start plaguing this part of the hall, she definitely wasn't coming back. Her father looked cross-eyed and fat in all the tapestries lining the hall. It was a fairly accurate representation. Bram was just surprised her father hadn't beheaded the Royal Weaver yet.

She heard a sniff and followed the sound to a pair of feet poking out from behind a tapestry. She yanked the material aside to find a boy no older than four. She knelt to the ground, careful not to get too close to him. Normal children did not hide behind tapestries in abandoned corridors.

"What's wrong little one?" She asked. The boy spit in her face.

She almost spit back . She settled for biting her cheek instead. It was her own stupid fault. She really should've seen it coming. If she heard the speech once, she'd heard it a thousand times.

'You are sixteen, Bramlyn. It's time to stop acting like a child and become the Darklen you were born to be. That means no crying, no laughing, and absolutely no kindness.' Gods above, her mother's voice was just as annoying in her head as it was in real life.

She heard a tired sigh from behind her and counted her lucky stars.

26 comments:

  1. I really love the voice in this story! I really got a sense of the main character even though the story is just beginning.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I like the voice too - great job! One thing you might consider is splitting the first sentence for flow. It might also be a good idea not to name the character by their surname first up if possible. It's not a big drama, but since the story is told from her perspective it stands out - she knows her name, and listing a full name can seem a bit, I don't know, out of place.

    'Her father looked cross-eyed and fat in all the tapestries lining the hall.'
    Nice! Consider maybe dropping the neat line. This, in my opinion, is implied and the line after is much better - I'd rather get to that sooner. Good way to reveal backstory too.

    'She knelt to the ground, careful not to get too close to him.' Third sentence in a row to start with 'She' - perhaps consider mixing it up. I like the hiding boy aspect!

    '"What's wrong little one?" She asked. The boy spit in her face.' Love it! But possibly consider 'He' - we know it's the boy.

    'She really should've seen it coming.' Why?

    Anyway overall I get a very nice sense of character here. I think your firs 250 is pretty strong!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your feed back! So many of the things you said made sense and the she, she, she thing is really distracting now that you mention it. I didn't even look for that! Again, thank you so much! This is really helpful :)

      Delete
  3. Ah! This was great--it establishes her world and her role very quickly and without hammering it over my poor head. I know Jess seemed to be asking for you to elaborate on the 'She really should've seen it coming.' but I think it's perfect because of what followed--politeness and kindness is NOT a good thing for this character's society.

    Good job! I'd love to see where this story goes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my gosh! This seriously just made my night :D Thank you so much! What story is yours? I would love to check it out!

      Delete
  4. Hi Jessica!

    Thank you so much for your feedback on my entry (95).

    Here are my thoughts on yours:

    Love this line "Bramlyn Shadowborne should excel at lies and have a talent for evil". Teehee :)

    I got a bit confused about why Bram should be evil, even though she has the gift of healing. I guess since she comes from Shadow Realms, she's expected to be evil?

    The concept is intriguing but I think the sentences could be trimmed a bit. (Maybe it's just my crippling short attention span talking :P).

    Your 250 is great and made me want to read more! Awesome job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm so glad you liked my first 250! I could see some of the lines in my query being a bit long. I'll have to think about how to shorten them. Hmm....
      Thanks so much for coming to check out my work! Good luck to you in the contest!

      Delete
  5. wow, GREAT voice. Seriously. I wanted to keep reading. The idea that your character is SUPPOSED to be dark- I dig that. My God, I dig it.

    The query could be sharpened a bit- I want it to shine as much as your first 250. MAKE the agents read it. Make them see what I saw!! Give them just enough info to want to know more.

    Great job!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much! I'm seriously jumping up and down right now. Do you have any tips as to what I should change? I know my query is below par, but I'm just not sure what I need to change because my critique partners say its a solid query. Thank you so much again!!

      Delete
  6. The query is a little 'synopsis like' in parts but I suck as queries so have no other good advice haha. Rick gave some good advice on my entry about structuring a query, maybe check that out?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good idea! I'll head on over to your neck of the woods :)

      Delete
  7. His best advice was read query shark. She's scary, and possibly a little evil, but wise.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Jessica!

    Thank you so much for your comments on my entry (#77)! I love your story, the world you've created becomes vivd right away in your first 250. Here are my small notes. You use the word 'hall' twice in the first paragraph, change to something else it threw me off (but not enough to love the rest of it). I like your query. It reminded me of what a query might have looked like for 'Graceling', have you read that? I honestly think I might enjoy yours even more.

    For the query though, what caught my attention is that I totally have a feeling for the world you've created (AWESOME!) and what it's like, but 'm missing voice from Bram. What is she like? In the first paragraph, she goes along with the King, in the second she fears for her life and won't help her people, in the end she can't make a decision. Is she weak? Or is this a behavior that doesn't stick? She becomes stronger? Whatever your vision is, give me a hint so I understand more about what Bram is like.

    But really good world building, I like the first sentence especially, you had me from there. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for all your nice comments! I think your right about my query not having voice. I feel like this is an easier problem to fix than just having a horrible query constructed so thank you so much for easing my worries! I'll have to think about how Bram would put her summary. I think that might help.
      Thanks again for your suggestions and your welcome for my comments :D

      Delete
  9. Your first sentence is quite long. I tend to do the same thing when I write (too many Jane Austen novels in my head perhaps!). I would replace the semicolon with a period and begin your second sentence with "Graced with the pathetic..."

    When you mention the three conditions, I would use a colon, then list the three as part of the same sentence.

    I think you might be missing punctuation at the end of your first paragraph after "agree." Also, check the fourth paragraph, first sentence of your 250. Looks like there might be a space before the "." I'm being nitpicky, but try and make it as perfect as you can -- that includes punctuation.

    Love the comment, "her mother's voice was just as annoying in her head as it was in real life."

    Good luck! W.G.#92

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gah about the punctuation! I think that is something that happened in formatting for the sight because it doesn't look like that on my actual MS. Thanks for pointing it out though :) your ideas for my query are very helpful. Thank you so much for your feedback! Oh, and I LOVE nitpicky! I want it to be as perfect as I can make it!
      Thanks again!

      Delete
  10. Hey Jess! Did I see this story at WriteOnCon? It seems familiar. And, if I recall, it was quite popular!

    I think everyone above has already said what I'd planned to say - there's some good advice up there.

    Best of luck, and thanks for the info/comment on my entry!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi there!

    The premise here sounds really good--so packed with tension and there's conflict all over the place!

    About the query...I thought it was good but I was thrown off kilter by the last sentence of the first paragraph. Why is death her only other option? I might have just misunderstood....

    I really enjoyed your first 250 and thought you did a great job, off the bat, at setting up Bramlyn's world and the fact that she *supposed* to be all dark and evil. And showing her sympathetic side (trying to help that little boy) rather than telling us about it, was great! I really feel like I know her already.

    One suggestion: twice you used "She heard..." to start a sentence. You might want to try rewording those sentences without those filter words like saw, heard, etc., in order to make the setting more immediate for the reader and not through Bram's filter. It helps us feel immersed in the setting along with her. For instance, instead of "She heard a tired sigh from behind her and counted her lucky stars", you could say "A tired sigh groaned from behind her and Bram counted her lucky stars." Something like that (which, obviously, you would do a better job at tweaking than I would. LOL)

    Best of luck with this!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the 'heard' comment! I never even thought about that! I am going back through my MS now changing those lines.
      FYI, I changed it to A tired sigh came from behind her :)
      Thanks again!!

      Delete
  12. I love the concept for your novel. Poor Bram. Living in a place where kindness and empathy are seen as a weakness. I love Bram's dilemma, forced to choose between her loyalty to her new life and her love for her old one.

    Should you say Bram is "graced" with a pathetic gift? Or would she think she was "cursed" with it?

    We get what other people think of Bram's abilities and her empathy for others, but not much about how Bram feels about it. Is she happy she can heal people? Is she happy to live in a place where she can be herself? I think just a small hint of this would make your query stronger.

    Great query and 1st page. I want to read more!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you SO much for your comments. I see what you mean about her Gift. At first she views it like a curse, so I like the idea of using cursed.

      Thank you for your kind words about my first page :) I just edited it for voice and I wasn't sure it was working!

      Delete
  13. Wow, you have such an intriguing premise. I'd want to read on just see the drama unfold among her family, let alone the huge decision she has to make down the road!

    I really enjoyed your first 250. What a family! I love the line, "Bram was just surprised her father hadn't beheaded the Royal Weaver yet." It speaks volumes about Dad! I think you've got a very vibrant setting here and a complex MC.

    I think your query covers the major plot points very concisely. Nice job! The only advice I have is what's been said on my page. Try pumping the same voice and tone that's in your first 250 into your query. One line I think you could have fun with is: "Seeing as how death is her only other option, Bram is forced to agree"

    You could get real specific here, what does Bram think will happen to her, exactly? "Seeing as how it would spare dear old Dad from having to behead his firstborn..." Or, "Seeing how she never envied those sent to Hangman's Hill..."

    Just a thought! I think your premise is awesome, best of luck!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Love this. Love her voice and the possibilities of your kingdoms. My favorite line had to be : Gods above, her mother's voice was just as annoying in her head as it was in real life.

    That said, the first line of the query confused me and I had to reread a few times. I think leave the semi-colon out and begin a new sentence:
    evil. Instead,graced with the pathetic Gift of Healing, Bram---And I would second what Rina says just above about adding a wee bit of voice into your query.

    Overall, though, I'd definitely keep reading and isn't that what we all want?

    ReplyDelete
  15. I worked really hard to weave in a little of Bram's voice and came up with a new query! Any thoughts on it would be appreciated :)

    Query:
    As heir to the Shadow Realms, sixteen-year-old Bramlyn Shadowborne should excel at lies and have a talent for evil. Bram only has the Gift of Healing, which is pathetic when compared to her twin brother’s three Dark Gifts. Showoff. When she fails to impress at her coronation, tradition dictates she should be killed. Tradition has never been Bram’s thing, so she flees to the only place that will give her sanctuary, the most powerful out of the nine Kingdoms of Light. The King grants her clemency on three conditions: hone her Gift for his use, renounce all ties to her people, and sit on his Council as adviser on the Shadow Realms. Her other option? Death by beheading. Bram is rather attached to her head, so she agrees.

    Bram is just settling into life in a foreign court when urgent messages from home arrive. Her people beg her to overthrow her twin who has gone mad with power and launched a bloody massacre against his people, like she didn’t see that one coming. Fearing the King’s wrath, Bram refuses. When her people start a rebellion in her name, she must choose between aiding the rebels or protecting the kingdom that gave her sanctuary. If she chooses to help her country, the Kingdoms of Light will declare war. If she chooses to remain in the Kingdom of Light, it means her twin’s plan for domination will succeed.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I love the revision above. Much stronger, with a lot more sense of tone and purpose in the first paragraph.

    I do think the second paragraph is a little clunky and could be tightened and honed a bit more.

    Maybe...

    Bram doesn't have time to warm her seat cushion before urgent messages about her brother's mad plan to massacre his people reach her ears. Her former countryfolk beg for her help in overthrowing her twin, but the King's wrath hangs over the head she's just managed to keep. Torn between aiding the rebels she left behind or protecting the kingdom that gave her sanctuary, Bram holds war in each hand as her twin consolidates his power.

    It's only a line or so shorter. I don't know if that's helpful?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually yes! That was helpful. I see what you mean about the second para being clunky, but I couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. I kind of like the one you just laid out. Thanks so much for your help!
      Best of luck!

      Delete