Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #97


Title: Rules of Rodentia
Genre: MG Fantasy
Word Count: 36,200

Query:

It’s no mistake Tobin won top seed-finder for junior mice two seasons in a row. After all, he knows the Rules of Rodentia like the back of his paw. He thrives in the forest, not sitting cooped up inside the Great Burrow.

After Tobin returns from a scouting trip to see the Great Burrow ransacked, his outlook on routine forest life crumbles like last autumn’s leaves. Tobin spies the monstrous spider responsible for the damage scuttling into the woods. Worse yet, the beast's pincers clutch a newborn pinkling mouse, wrapped in webbing and squeaking for its mother. An extra scary sight for Tobin, as his mom gave birth earlier that day.

With the elder mice furiously working on burrow repairs, Tobin turns to his best friend Wiley and little sister Talia. His instincts are howling that the captured pinkling is his own sibling, so the three set off on a rescue quest.  Following the spider’s trail means crossing a catfish-infested creek, plunging into unknown forest and crossing a deep ravine— all while watching out for the usual hawks and bobcats.

Along the spider’s trail, Tobin learns the eight-legged giants are called Arakni, and are a growing problem for many forest dwellers, including an entire serpent empire bent on spider control. With so many enemies looking to destroy the Arakni stronghold, Tobin must stay ahead of the pack to save a single newborn before an all-out battle falls upon the spider lair. But once he sees the horrors lurking inside, saving one pinkling will only be the beginning. Sometimes a mouse just has to break the Rules.

First 250:

Crouched in perfect stillness beneath a toadstool, Tobin recalled his training. He knew the Rules of Rodentia like the back of his paw. It was no accident he was top seed-finder for junior mice two seasons in a row.  Traveling this familiar patch of forest was simple as scratching a flea — as long as he stuck to the Rules. 

Tobin concentrated on the final leg of his journey. Almost home, the Great Burrow loomed ahead. Shaped like a giant tortoise shell, the Great Burrow possessed dozens of hidden entrances. It was very important to use different paths and different entrances back inside.

Rule #11- A predictable path leads to easy pickings for a predator.

Tobin spied a route he hadn’t taken in some time. Next, his mind ticked through the age-old checklist taught to all young mice, the second-most important rule in all of Rodentia:

Rule #2- Always survey your surroundings before setting a paw in the open.

Scan for hawks.

Done. Clear skies.

Scan for ground predators.

No trembling grass, no alarming sounds or smells.

Finally, the muscles in his hind legs twitched.

Go!

Tobin burst from beneath the toadstool, darting a zig, then zag— enough to throw off a pouncing bobcat or swooping bird. With a giant leap he dived inside the safe confines of the Great Burrow. 

He blinked, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the dark tunnels. Only then did he tread to his family's den on slow paws. Nothing but chaos waited at home.

23 comments:

  1. I remember this one from WriteOnCon, and I love a good mouse story. I do like the rules etc too - nice concept. I think the query is a little too synopsis like, though.

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    1. Thank you for the nice words Jess! Yeah, I struggle with just how much to include in the query. Do think it's TMI, or does it need more voice? Or probably both! :)

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  2. SO CUTE! I adore it. Maybe because I'm an animal freak. Maybe because I'm working on a MG myself now. Either way, it's cute. Cute, cute, cute.

    I agree with Jess about the query. It's too synopsis-y, and less "here's an OVERALL about the action in my book!"

    try this post I wrote on queries- it might help a bit!

    http://lindsaycummingsblog.blogspot.com/2011/07/my-query-tips-they-work.html

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    1. Thank you so much Lindsay! Yup, I headed over to your blog post and I'm working on the query again today. You are right about about the keeping the tone- I think it gets bogged down in all those storyline details. I need to spice it back up a bit! :)

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  3. You have gorgeous writing! I love this, and you can really "see" everything that's going on around Tobin. Very mouse-like. I agree the query is a little long, but what a story this is!

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    1. Wow, thank you Vivi! That makes me smile. :)

      If you happen to stop back, I re-posted a tweaked query below. I'm going for a more consistent tone, and while I trimmed out some things, I'm not sure if it was enough.

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  4. Sometimes a mouse just has to break the Rules - I love that! What a great hook. I love the voice in this story. In just 250 words, I feel like I'm there.

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    1. Then that Rules line is one I'll keep as I try to hammer my query down a bit! :) I really wanted the reader to get that "in the moment" feel so I'm very glad to hear that worked for you. Thank you so much!

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  5. I think Lindsay's advice is great :) (I suck at query crafting... sigh.) The first 250 is definitely great though.

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    1. ACK, queries!! :) At least we all have each other to bounce off some ideas. I'm getting great feedback! BTW- I remembered from WriteOnCon- did you stick with a wallaby?

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  6. Oh my gosh -- my kids would LOVE this! You had me from the very first paragraph. ...the top seed-finder? Great imagination and so very cute. I'd definitely read on.

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    1. I LOVE hearing your kids would love this! :) Thank you Marlana. I loved your first 250 too. Paxton rocks!

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  7. I really like this! Love the title and the idea of the various rules for mice. Not much to add, but this seems like a story with a lot of heart and imagination.

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    1. Thank you Carla! Making up mouse rules is a lot of fun! Do you have an entry on here somewhere?

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  10. 'He thrives in the forest, not sitting cooped up inside the Great Burrow.' Could cut this.

    'Tobin’s outlook on routine forest life crumbles like last autumn’s leaves.' and this

    'scuttling into the woods with a newborn pinkling mouse in tow.' maybe simplify to 'carrying a pinkling he recognises as his own newborn sister' then cut following sentence.

    'turns to his best friend Wiley and little sister Talia,' maybe 'and his closest friends then cut 'and they agree if the pinkling’s to have any chance of survival, they' and add 'they' must follow (or maybe hunt down?) the spider 'to save her.' (or something) I'd like to see a mention of the rules again (e.g. a rule of not chasing down predators)

    'The spider’s trail leads across a catfish infested creek, into unknown woods and to strange new forest dwellers. Tobin learns the eight-legged giants are a huge problem for critters on this side of the creek, including an entire serpent empire.' I'd cut all this.

    'Soon he’s in a race to save his pinkling before the snakes wage an all-out battle on the spiders’ stronghold. But once' and this too.

    Maybe something like 'Tobin sees the horrors lurking inside the spider lair, and realises saving one pinkling will only be the beginning.' But I think the closing line is a little bit vague. I'd like a better sense of what he has to do - I see you're trying to get that across, but I'd like it to be clearer. Sometimes a mouse just has to break the Rules.

    Hope some of that helps (bearing in mind queries aren't my strong suit! I posted a totally different alternative in my thread and I'm still not sure it works!)

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  11. You are awesome, Jess! Thanks for looking again. Those are some great lines to examine and trim. By gosh, at the end of CAGI my query shall be much improved! :)

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  12. You are awesome, Jess! Thanks for looking again. Those are some great lines to examine and trim. By gosh, at the end of CAGI my query shall be much improved! :)

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  13. Okay... more edits! Still tweaking away. :)
    ----------------

    It’s no mistake Tobin won top seed-finder for junior mice two seasons in a row. After all, he knows the Rules of Rodentia like the back of his paw. He thrives in the forest, not sitting cooped up inside the Great Burrow.

    But when an explosive thunderstorm damages the burrow, exposing his friends and family,, Tobin’s outlook on routine forest life crumbles like last autumn’s leaves. Especially when he spies a giant spider scuttle into the woods with a newborn pinkling— his very own baby sister.

    Tobin turns to his best friend Wiley and little sister Talia, and they agree if the pinkling’s to have any chance of survival, they must follow the spider— even though the Rules clearly state to run away from predators, not chase them.

    Crossing a creek, Tobin ventures into a world of dangerous terrain and strange creatures, discovering he’s hardly the only animal with a grudge against this nasty breed of spider. It’s a race to save his pinkling before a battle falls upon the spider stronghold. But once Tobin sees the horrors lurking inside the spider lair, saving one pinkling will only be the beginning. Sometimes a mouse just has to break the Rules.

    RULES OF RODENTIA is complete at approximately 38,000 words. I’ve been an active member of the Society of Children Book Writers and Illustrators since 2009 and I’m a member of the SCBWI Osceola County Critique Group.

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    1. Oh your query has gotten so much better! I am in the process of editing mine write now too. I don't think there is anything I would really change. You've got nice voice, your plot is outlined and sounds AWESOME, and the stakes are pretty clear. The only thing I would consider changing is the word pinkling in the last paragraph to Tobin's sister because you've used it before and we know the baby is his sister. Also (VERY nitpicky here) you have a double comma after family in the second para.

      It was a wonderful read! Best of luck in the contest!
      Jessica #96

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    2. Rina,

      I've played around a little bit with your query. Trying to shorten. Parts felt like you were telling instead of showing, but REALLY REALLY LOVE YOUR STORY. CUTE!!!!

      Tobin knows the Rules of Rodentia like the back of his paw. He won top seed-finder for the junior mice two seasons in a row. Instead of cooped up inside the Great Burrow, Tobin thrives in the familiar forest.

      But when an explosive thunderstorm damages the burrow, the forest life crumbles like the last autumn’s leaves. Leaving Tobin’s friends and family homeless. Survival, predators, and rules take Tobin and his best friend Wiley and little sister, on a venture into a world of dangerous terrain and strange creatures.

      Forced to break the rules...

      [WHY DOES HE HAVE A GRUDGE AGAINST THE SPIDER?] WHY IS SAVING ONE SPIDER NECESSARY? WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO TOBIN IF HE DOESN’T SAVE THE SPIDER? WHAT HAPPENS IF HE DOES?

      GOOD LUCK!

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  14. Thank you Jessica!! It's VERY nice to hear you think this bugger has improved. Thank goodness for CAGI feedback. I'm trying to think in terms of Voice and Tone! :) Doggone double comma. Fixed it on my saved version.

    Best of luck to you too! Lots of high stakes in BLOOD AND HONOR, very captivating!

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