Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #68


Title: WARDER
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy Romance
Word Count: 105k

Query:

Elf Mona Lisa Kubrek wants to work in the Buffalo enclave, despite the fact that at twenty-eight it's clear she'll never create spells, so when she's picked to train to maintain the wards which keep magic hidden and Folk safe she's thrilled. And it's great, even though her mentor is cranky and insists she trains at crazy hours… until she's barely evades a death spell, her teacher goes missing and an evil mage sends Weres under his control out to kill her.

Throw in investigator Cart Dupree, an aggravation whose side she can't seem to leave, and Mona learns the job's a lot more complicated than she thought, a lifetime more complicated.  Mona's determined to shoulder her responsibilities even after learning of the bleak life ahead of her as a Warder. Head of his den, Cart is tied to obligations and commitments back home, asking him to move to Buffalo is out of the question. With the mage more than he seems Folk hierarchy in flux and legends coming to life, staying together may not be an option. First, though they need to track the mage and the Weres he controls, for despite all the changes in her world, Mona has found her calling and will always be a Warder.

First 250:

Mona's battered body protested being pulled from sleep, while her brain gladly left the macabre dream of decapitated humans running around an obstacle course while carrying wolf heads in their arms. Weird shit that, although, for once there wasn't much subtlety about the vision given she knew quite a few shifters. Thank the Goddess because waiting to figure out what her occasional premonitions meant drove her batty.

Daylight painted the back of her eyelids a fiery orange and warmed her face. The heat felt good, so it wasn’t the sun which had awakened her. Mona rolled over, she was too damned tired, hurt too much to get up. Shit! Her abraded elbows scraped against the nubby fabric of the couch making her flinch in pain.

Wait. Why was she on the couch feeling like someone had used her like a hockey puck?

Her stomach knotted at the memory of her sheer panic as the spell she'd accidentally triggered sent boulders stabbing up through the asphalt. Her body slamming into the icy ground as she lost traction and barely managed to scramble away.

Breathing deeply she tried to quiet her frantic heart. Cracked acorns, she'd been stupid and blithe and assumed she didn't need to check for spells so close to the Warder's complex when she’d arrived for her lesson, particularly with him right there. Old as he was he didn't typically miss seeing spells. But this one, someone had buried it under the ground. There'd been no glow, no signal until she'd triggered the working and the ground heaved under her feet. 

3 comments:

  1. I have to say befor I start a *lot* of stories start with a character waking up - just putting it out there (I saw another a few entires back and made the same comment).

    I was a also little bit confused by 'contemporary fantasy' - they seem to be mutually exclusive.

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  2. Hi, 68! I love a good adult fantasy! And elves are always awesome!

    Your genre is slightly confusing to me. Have you considered calling it Fantasy or Urban Fantasy? Most books can fit into a variety of genres, but it’s important to give agents an idea of how they can pitch it to editors. Of course, your agent may change this genre once you’re signed. But you don’t want to confuse them at the querying stage.

    Query:
    You’ve got some serious world building going on here, which can be good and bad. It’s always good to show that you have a unique world, but some of the details are confusing. You want to ground the reader. I’m going to copy your query below and point out places where you could improve. Your story sounds great, but you need an equally awesome query to woo the agents.

    Elf Mona Lisa Kubrek wants to work in the Buffalo enclave [What’s the Buffalo enclave? You need to either explain where it is or leave the name off.], despite the fact that at twenty-eight it's clear she'll never create spells [A detail as to why she can’t create spells would work well here.] So [start a new sentence here] when she's picked to train to maintain the wards which keep magic hidden and Folk safe [something simple like “protect her people” might be clearer] she's thrilled. And it's great, even though her mentor is cranky and insists she trains at crazy hours… until she's barely evades a death spell, her teacher goes missing and an evil mage sends Weres under his control out to kill her.

    Throw in investigator Cart Dupree, an aggravation whose side she can't seem to leave, and Mona learns the job's a lot more complicated than she thought, a lifetime more complicated [This last clause confuses me. I would cut it.]. Mona's determined to shoulder her responsibilities even after learning of the bleak life ahead of her as a Warder [This term comes out of nowhere. Mention it above, describe it, or choose a replacement]. Head of his den, Cart is tied to obligations and commitments back home, asking him to move to Buffalo is out of the question. With the mage more than he seems[,] Folk hierarchy in flux[,] and legends coming to life, staying together may not be an option.
    [My biggest criticism is that this last paragraph wraps everything up. You don’t want to end on a conclusion; you must end on a cliffhanger. Tell us why we have to get our hands on this manuscript!]
    First, though they need to track the mage and the Weres he controls, for despite all the changes in her world, Mona has found her calling and will always be a Warder.

    250:
    I adore the little voice-y pieces like, “Thank the Goddess!” You’re a beautiful writer, but I think there are a few sentences that border on overwritten and a few that are a touch awkward. Read each aloud or give it to a friend to read aloud to you; and, I think you’ll find that some sentences aren’t as clear as you may think.

    That said, I think you’re beginning the story a day late. It sounds like something awesome and exciting happened to Mona Lisa yesterday. I wish we were yesterday so I could experience that scene unfolding in real time. Also, beginning with dream sequences is tricky. It’s such an overdone opening in literature right now.

    You’ve got a lot of fantastic material here! I think one more editorial pass can take this to the next level.

    Lots of luck to you! If you have questions, ask below in the comments or find me on Twitter (@novelista85). -Jessica

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  3. Thank you so much for looking at this. I appreciate it!

    I initially cut the first scene because it was all her with no interaction and I was told I should move the start up to a place where she'd not be alone, or not alone for long. Clearly I need to rethink that. In the meantime I have rewritten the current starting point so she's not coming out of the dream and is simply on the couch, in pain, when the phone rings. I wish this had gone up AFTER I'd gotten feed back from *cough* another site, but that's the breaks!

    Thanks again!

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