Wednesday, September 12, 2012

CAGI Entry #60


Title: CALLING DEATH
Genre: YA Paranormal
Word Count: 64,000

Query:

Sixteen-year-old Daughter of Death, Damaris, was born evil. The only way her kind gain access to Heaven is to steal human souls and trade them for eternal life. Or so she's been told. But Damaris doesn't buy that and refuses to kill anyone. She's also determined not to let her little sister end up a heartless, soul-stealing murderer like her parents.

The key to saving them both is Chase, a smokin' hot stranger with a penchant for breaking in through her bedroom window. Bent on retrieving his sister's stolen soul from Damaris's family vault at any cost, he offers a trade. He can show her magic that frees captured souls in exchange for her help.

They only have three weeks until her father's Death Day. Twenty-one days to find Chase's sister. Five-hundred hours to free all the souls before her dad hands them over to Death and they are lost forever. Thirty-thousand minutes to save her own sister and prove to her kind that their ancient beliefs are wrong. The clock's ticking, and Damaris is running out of time.

First 250:

August 2

Things are so screwed up. I barely remember how it all happened. Kat says I need to write it down before too much is gone. That it could be important to remember as much as possible. She says it could also help me deal. Not one for ignoring her sage advice, that's what I'm doing. So, here we go.
My little sister has vanished, three people are dead, and I murdered two of them with my bare hands. It doesn't help my conscience any that I killed them to save people I love. Especially because it didn't exactly work. And what scares me most of all is that I have no idea how I can do it, how to control it. It isn't normal for my kind to do what I can do. I know it has something to do with Death touching me.

But wait, that's not right. It started way before any of that. I need to start from the very beginning. I can remember that day okay, so I'll start there and hope it all comes back as I go. It's late morning. Genie is being a pest as usual, and I just realize I am being stalked. . .


June 9

The moment I feel I'm being watched is when I'm contemplating the joy of being an only child. I slowly spin the loan crystal vial in my fingers. The silvery-blue soul dances erratically inside like misty water. For the millionth time I whisper an apology to the little soul in its cold, beautiful prison.

14 comments:

  1. I think journal style will inevitably have you fall into telling, but that aside I think you've got a good sense of voice here. I like the idea of being Death's daughter!

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  2. I love this idea- it's a very unique concept! Love your query- very suspensful and I want to know more from it. Go Colene!!

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  3. I really loved your query. I got so into it and I really wanted to hit your first 250. THe journal style writing kind of threw me off, but only because the writer of the first entry and the writer of the second entry seem to be different people. From reading your query, I thought that both of the characters mentioned had siblings, so the only child line threw me off and made me confused as to who was writing the journal. That's my only comment though! I really loved this whole idea. It's exactly the type of book I would read!

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  4. Jess - hopefully, since the entries came in to play after I had already written the book, it won't be that way! Thank you!

    Abby - Thanks so much!

    Jessica - I think you got thrown because the second entry starts off sarcastically, maybe? It goes on to elaborate that she's being annoyed by her litter sister. One of the limitations of 250 words, I suppose!
    Thank you so much! I'm sorry about the confusion!

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    1. Oh, I didn't even think about that! It makes sense when I read it sarcastically. Sarcasm is not one of my strong suits hahaha....my sisters constantly tell me that. Anyway, good luck! I really do love the sound of this!

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    2. Ha! Thanks again! It's good to point out a confusion like that, I can't very well put a disclaimer at the beginning of the book that says "read the first line in the second journal entry sarcastically". Good to know if something may not be working right.

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  5. This is really, really nice, Colene. I remember reading an earlier version, which was super awesome, and this is even many times awesomer than that. I really want to read on. I have zero critiques. You rock! Good luck!

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  6. Hi, 60! I love that your MC is death’s daughter. It’s a unique concept that I think will stand out in the market.

    Query:
    Does Damaris really not buy it or does she refuse to comply? The way I’m taking this is that Damaris believes what she’s been told is a lie. If that’s the way you intended it, then that’s great.
    Oh, Chase, I adore him already.
    One issue I’m having is that both Damaris and Chase have a sister in need of saving. It’s confusing in the query. I would ordinarily say to limit the query to two names, but here I think it’s necessary to name Damaris’ sister, for clarity sake.
    Here, in the interest of simplicity, I would change this, “He can show her magic that frees captured souls,” to this, “He can free captured souls.”
    I love the countdown; and I love the last line!

    250:
    My only criticism is that the first sentence after June 9th is a little awkward to me. I understand the meaning (and the sarcasm), but I had to read it several times.
    It’s hard for me to get a strong sense of the book from the journal-style entries. This is one of the downsides of a contest where you can only show 250. If it’s not necessary plot wise to use these journal entries, I would cut straight to the first scene—at least for contests. But, from what I can tell, your writing is strong, and you have an interesting story to tell.

    Lots of luck to you! If you have questions, ask below in the comments or find me on Twitter (@novelista85). -Jessica

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    2. Hi Jessica! Thank you for your wonderful feedback!

      On the query, you're so right there. She thinks that's a lie and she won't go along with it.

      Adding her sisters name won't be a problem, I can see how it can be confusing. As well as shortening that one sentence, looks good!

      As for the beginning, the dates are more a countdown themselves, rather than her writing in a journal the whole time. I wonder how you feel about that?
      Not good if people are having problems with that first bit in the second entry. Will find a way to rework that.

      Thank you so much! I really appreciate your input, it's all totally doable!

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  7. Hi Colene!

    It's difficult to say without seeing the rest. You really need to weigh the benefit of beginning with the journal entries against the potential harm. Is it worth giving them a reason to say no? I've heard a lot of agents read with "no" as the default response--they're waiting for you to change their mind. In my opinion, starting with the action is more likely to make them say yes.

    Does that help? If you have more questions, please ask!

    Good luck!

    Jessica

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    1. Yes yes, this is most helpful! Appreciate it! Thank you!

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  8. Jessica,

    This is the original first 250. I changed it after it was suggested that my opening wasn't "grabby" enough. Enter journal dates, and other first paragraph. Anyway:


    The moment I feel I'm being watched is when I'm contemplating the joys that must come with being an only child.

    I slowly spin the loan crystal vial in my fingers. The silvery-blue soul dances erratically inside like misty water. For the millionth time I whisper an apology to the little soul in its cold, beautiful prison. I know it really means nothing at this point, but pretending it does makes me feel better. Just in time to hear my sister giggle maliciously, I put the vial carefully back in it's place on my bookshelf.

    I squeeze my eyes shut, count to five while holding my breath, and all I get is a head rush and those stupid white spots flickering in my vision – not frustration relief.

    Genevieve squeals down the hallway again, dragging something heavy and loud across my bedroom door. How did she spend her time while I was across the ocean in boarding school? A good eighty percent of her day is now spent finding new ways – or hell, sticking with classics – to annoy me. But, luckily for her, it's not Genie that is my main concern anymore.

    It's whoever is watching me.

    I open the window and lean out. Sucking in through my nose, I try to pick up any soul scent on the air that ought not be here. The late southern summer morning is faintly breezy, but all I can smell is cut grass. Not exactly out of place in a neighborhood with gigantic, perfectly manicured lawns.


    Thanks for the millionth time, I know this isn't part of your responsibility. I really do appreciate anything you've got to say!

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  9. Hey Colene! I'm so glad I can help! Querying is a beast. Last month, I was still in the query trenches, so those wounds are fresh. Here are my thoughts in text.

    The moment I feel I'm being watched is when I'm contemplating the joys that must come with being an only child. [ I think this first line could be much stronger. This is strictly opinion, but I think it leaves too many questions--and not in that I-want-to-keep-reading way. It's confusing. I think it would be an improvement if you broke this into two sentences. Start with her sister watching her (use sister or the sister's name) then use the line about being an only child.]

    I slowly spin the loan crystal vial in my fingers. The silvery-blue soul dances erratically inside [the glass (just to get a better visual)] like misty water. For the millionth time[,] I whisper an apology to the little soul in its cold, beautiful prison. I know it really means nothing at this point, but pretending it does makes me feel better. Just in time to hear my sister giggle maliciously, I put the vial carefully back in it's place on my bookshelf. [On second thought, it feels like she's knows she's being watched here, not above. Why don't you start with the line about the vial? Then you could drop the only child comment here.]

    I squeeze my eyes shut, count to five while holding my breath, and all I get is a head rush and those stupid white spots flickering in my vision – not frustration relief. [The last part after the em dash feels like a little much. I would cut it at vision.]

    Genevieve squeals down the hallway again, dragging something heavy and loud across my bedroom door. How did she spend her time while I was across the ocean in boarding school? A good eighty percent of her day is now spent finding new ways – or hell, sticking with classics – to annoy me. But, luckily for her, it's not Genie that is my main concern anymore.

    It's whoever is watching me. [The way that you tied being watched to thinking about being an only child makes me think it's the sister watching her. It's a pet peeve of mine when the narrator tricks the reader. Nathan Bransford blogged once about establishing trust with the reader immediately. To correct this, I'd cut the first mention of being watched.]

    I open the window and lean out. Sucking in through my nose, I try to pick up any soul scent on the air that ought not be here. The late [cut late. one adjective too many.] southern summer morning is faintly breezy, but all I can smell is cut grass. Not exactly out of place in a neighborhood with gigantic, perfectly manicured lawns.

    I love the sensory details in the last paragraph. The only real problem I saw was the confusion over the watching/only-child thing. Fix that and I think you'll have an awesome first 250. I hope this helps! Jessica

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