Title:
ALEX DAILY: SOMETIMES SUPERHERO
Genre:
Middle Grade Fantasy
Word
Count: 79,000
Query:
Ten-year-old
Alex Daily wakes up with a different superpower every morning. Yesterday he had
telekinesis, today he can go invisible, but he has no way of guessing or
controlling what power he’ll have tomorrow. Alex’s first superhuman ability
appears out of nowhere during the Great Egg Drop on the last day of fourth
grade. Just as he begins to get used to the idea of learning to be a superhero,
his power disappears and a brand new one takes its place the next day.
He and his
best friend Melanie quickly realize that it’s impossible to plan heroic deeds
with such unpredictable powers. Alex’s new abilities get him caught in a war
between a team of scientists, a rich family, and the police department (with an
albino chimpanzee and four-hundred lab mice tossed in the mix.) Without anyone
discovering his secret, Alex must find a way to use his powers for good while
figuring out where they come from. None of this is easy for a superhero with a
different power every day and a 9:00 bedtime every night.
First
250:
The day
before getting his first superpower, Alex Daily found himself climbing to the
top of his stepdad’s forbidden twelve-foot ladder. The sun-soaked metal burned
his fingers and the cardboard box under his arm kept catching beneath each rung
and throwing him off balance. He’d be grounded for life if Mom or Walter caught
him climbing this ladder. The worst part? He didn’t even want to climb it.
Melanie
watched from below, a half-smile tugging at the corner of her tiny mouth. He
was afraid of heights and of breaking rules, but he was most afraid of being
called a wimp by a girl. Melanie was a tomboy but she still counted as a girl,
and her half-smile (which threatened to open wide and start calling him names)
was the only thing that kept him climbing.
When he got
to the final rung he set the box on the little shelf at the top.
"Okay,
Melanie, you ready?" Alex asked. He wanted to get it over with.
“No!” she
said. “You have to go to the tip-top.”
"The
box is on there. Besides, it’s made for paint cans and tools."
"Not
that part, stupid. Look! You’ve still got a step to go."
Melanie was
right, as usual, but she couldn’t see the sticker that covered the top rung.
"NOT A STEP!" the red letters warned. There were pictures of stick
figure men falling to horrible stick figure deaths.
I like this! The line about Melanie counting as a girl is quite cute. Nice concept too!
ReplyDeleteThis. Is. Awesome! I love the title, the concept and the query!
ReplyDeleteI would get rid of the section in brackets about the chimps and mice. It's cute but it breaks up the flow and doesn't add much.
The 250 has a great voice but could be a bit more action oriented. I love at how you hint at what's about to happen with the sticker though.
Fantastic job!
I love this concept - it sounds really fun. Great writing too, nice job :)
ReplyDeleteI really love this concept! It's a very unique spin and boys love superpowers. The only thing I would say is that you tend to sound a bit older in your first 250 than a ten year old boy. I don't know if a ten year old would say a girl had a tiny mouth or that a ladder was sun-soaked. Those are my only comments though! Nice, original plot :)
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Jessica #96
Hi 57! You have a great concept here and a fantastic title!
ReplyDeleteQuery:
This is a good query, but it’s missing one important factor: stakes. It seems like the biggest stake here is that Alex wants to learn where his powers come from. Mere curiosity isn’t quite enough. What is the biggest obstacle Alex faces? That needs to be the focus.
Also, the order of the first paragraph is a little confusing. You should tell the reader the events in the order they happen. I think it could be reordered as follows: “Ten-year-old Alex Daily’s first superhuman ability appears out of nowhere during the Great Egg Drop on the last day of fourth grade. Just as he begins to get used to the idea of learning to be a superhero, his power disappears and a brand new one takes its place the next day. Now Alex wakes up with a different superpower every morning. Yesterday he had telekinesis, today he can go invisible, but he has no way of guessing or controlling what power he’ll have tomorrow.”
You have a lot of great material to work with here! A few small changes will make a huge difference.
250:
There are three tiny places I think you could clean up here. First, this sentence has a lot going on, and it’s slightly awkward: “The sun-soaked metal burned his fingers and the cardboard box under his arm kept catching beneath each rung and throwing him off balance.” Simply breaking it into two sentences would make for a smoother read. Secondly, this sentence could be stronger: “He didn’t even want to climb it.” You have an opportunity to inject a lot of voice, and you’re not taking it. What would Alex rather do than climb the ladder? Why doesn’t he want to climb it? This is so close, and a voice-y addition would perfect this. And thirdly, you talk about the half-smile twice. I would call it simply a smile the second time. Great sample otherwise!
Lots of luck to you! If you have questions, ask below in the comments or find me on Twitter (@novelista85). -Jessica
Thanks for the feedback! I never thought about changing the structure of that first paragraph of the query. One of those "I've read this so many times it would sound weird any other way" situations, but I like how you've structured it.
DeleteSince this is the second time I've gotten the feedback about stakes, I'm trying to figure out how to get them in there. The the part about getting caught in a war between the scientists and rich family and police department must be getting lost, or might not seem like a big enough deal (when it's the bulk of the story)
There ARE big stakes (Kidnapping, keeping the powers secret, facing death, memory loss, cop chases, a research study that Alex must save, the rich family determined to uncover Alex's identity) but when I tried to go into details, the query got very long and started feeling like the synopsis, so I kept it short. Maybe I can push it longer to get the stakes in there?
Thanks again for the feedback!
Hi Ashley,
ReplyDeleteI love short and short queries; and I think that's still the goal you should aim for. You could draw the following sentence into 1-2 additional sentences to bump up the stakes: "Alex’s new abilities get him caught in a war between a team of scientists, a rich family, and the police department (with an albino chimpanzee and four-hundred lab mice tossed in the mix.)" Also, you may want to reorder paragraph two more like this: "Without anyone discovering his secret, Alex must find a way to use his powers for good while figuring out where they come from. None of this is easy for a superhero with a different power every day and a 9:00 bedtime every night. He and his best friend Melanie quickly realize that it’s impossible to plan heroic deeds with such unpredictable powers. Alex’s new abilities get him caught in a war between a team of scientists, a rich family, and the police department (with an albino chimpanzee and four-hundred lab mice tossed in the mix.)" I think ending on the stakes will make your requests pile up. If it starts to get exceptionally long, you could also trim the first paragraph. Really, the last two sentences (the way I ordered it) of paragraph one could go--but it's such a cute detail that I would try to keep it.
Please comment back or tweet at me if you have more questions. :)
Jessica
So....... To get the stakes in there, I ended up completely rewriting it. Any feedback is welcome!
Delete-------
Ten-year-old Alex Daily's first superpower shows up out of nowhere on the last day of fourth grade. He has no clue how to be a superhero, but his best friend Melanie Spark is allowed to watch PG-13 movies, which makes her practically an expert. She tells him rules he never knew, like keeping his power a secret so that the government won't take him away. It all seems like too much for Alex but when he uses his power to save his little sister's life, he thinks he might get used to this hero stuff.
The next morning his superpower disappears. A completely different power has taken its place and Melanie's expert knowledge is suddenly useless. Desperate for answers, the friends go to the nearby university to get help from Alex's stepsister Cora, a biology student. She ends up needing Alex's help more than he needs hers. A rich family is trying to sabotage Cora's life-saving research study. Meanwhile, the cop on duty is more interested in a donation to the police department than justice. She has a pair of handcuffs ready for Alex if she can ever catch him.
Alex must learn to trust himself, no matter what superpower he wakes up with, and face each new problem as it comes. Like his stepsister being arrested at the moment her research needs her most. Like Alex's biological father showing up after years of being absent. Like Alex being kidnapped. Being a superhero is hard, especially for someone with a different superpower every day and a nine o'clock bedtime every night.
--------
Am I on the right track, or would I be better with my old query with the structural tweaks you gave me before? Thanks!
Hi Ashley! Again, I really LOVE this concept. I think the best query will come from a combination of these versions. I put some notes in text below. This is so close to being mind-blowing! I hope my notes all makes sense. Good luck!
DeleteTen-year-old Alex Daily's first superpower shows up out of nowhere on the last day of fourth grade. [I think this opening has more voice: Ten-year-old Alex Daily’s first superhuman ability appears out of nowhere during the Great Egg Drop on the last day of fourth grade. Just as he begins to get used to the idea of learning to be a superhero, his power disappears and a brand new one takes its place the next day. Now Alex wakes up with a different superpower every morning. Yesterday he had telekinesis, today he can go invisible, but he has no way of guessing or controlling what power he’ll have tomorrow.] He has no clue how to be a superhero, but his best friend Melanie Spark is allowed to watch PG-13 movies [LOVE. Freaking love this detail. Lots of voice.], which makes her practically an expert. She tells him rules he never knew, like keeping his power a secret so that the government won't take him away. *It all seems like too much for Alex but when he uses his power to save his little sister's life, he thinks he might get used to this hero stuff. The next morning his superpower disappears. A completely different power has taken its place and Melanie's expert knowledge is suddenly useless.* [I would cut everything between the asterisks. It’s too issue, resolution, issue. Keep the stakes building.] Desperate for answers, the friends go to the nearby university to get help from Alex's stepsister Cora, a biology student. [Maybe combine like this: But Cora needs Alex's help more than he needs hers when a rich family tries to sabotage Cora's research (I don’t think many MGers know what a research study is, so I’d leave it at research). Meanwhile, the cop on duty *is more interested in a donation to the police department than justice. She* [Unnecessary detail. I would cut.] has a pair of handcuffs ready for Alex if she can ever catch him. [Here I would put one powerful line about saving Cora, and cut everything to follow between the asterisks.] *Alex must learn to trust himself, no matter what superpower he wakes up with, and face each new problem as it comes. Like his stepsister being arrested at the moment her research needs her most. Like Alex's biological father showing up after years of being absent. Like Alex being kidnapped.* Being a superhero is hard, especially for someone with a different superpower every day and a nine o'clock bedtime every night.
This sounds like a lot of fun--something kids would love.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the comment above about the stakes. I was trying to figure out what they were when I was reading your query. Like you, I feel like there are a lot of stakes in my MS, so in the query I just tried to focus in on the most important (and most interesting) one.
Best of luck--I hope you make it to the next round!
Oh, and thanks for your kind words about my entry. #89
I love the visual you create with him climbing the ladder. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYou've listed some pretty major stakes above. Perhaps you can make it just a tad longer and include a couple of those compelling situations.
Good luck!