Title: WHITE LIES
Genre: YA Contemporary Fantasy
Word Count: 65,000
Query:
For
sixteen-year-old Dylan Lord, lying was never a problem… until Jack showed up.
Now, a lie can be fatal.
Ever
since Dylan met Jack, every lie she tells, every lie she hears, causes physical
pain. From her mother’s, “I love you,” in the morning, to her best friend’s, “I
hate you,”to her own refusal to admit her feelings for Jack, each lie hurts.
The bigger the lie, the bigger the slice that appears on her body. When Jack
proves he has the exact same cuts she does, Dylan doesn’t want to believe it.
She doesn’t want to admit she is becoming like him. But once Dylan’s best
friend’s father innocently answers,“How are you?” with “I’m fine,” the gash on
Dylan’s stomach means he is far from fine, and now neither is she or Jack.
Dylan
doesn’t want to be a walking lie detector. And as if things weren’t hard
enough, the only way to heal the cuts is by hearing the truth. The longer she
avoids the truth, and the more lies she ignores, the weaker she and Jack
become. Dylan has to get the truth soon. Not all lies can be covered with a
Band-Aid. Some lies can kill. With time running out, Dylan must search for the
truth. Because if she can't get the truth, she won’t be the only one who dies.
First 250:
Dylan
shoveled the last bite of pizza into her mouth and she slid out of the booth at
her favorite pizza shop. She coughed around the half chewed pizza, surprised to
see a guy standing next to her. The empty plate and half finished soda were
just inches from his shirt. Dylan looked down and watched as slowly the soda
sloshed and jumped the distance to splash dead center on his chest.
The
guy smirked at her and looked down at his shirt before returning his gaze
Dylan.
She
swallowed and put her drink and plate down adding another grease stain to her
Algebra homework. “Jimmy, throw me a towel will ya?”
“What’d
ya do this time?” Jimmy called from the back as he came out with a towel and
handed it to Dylan.
Dylan
rolled her eyes as Jimmy grumbled something about her being the sloppiest
person he’d ever met and turned towards the ovens. She turned her attention
back to the guy. He didn’t move as the soda leaked down his shirt.
Dylan
held the towel out to him. “Um, sorry.”
She
silently cursed herself and the blush she felt creeping up her cheeks.
He
reached out for the towel not taking his eyes from hers and shrugged. “No
worries. You didn’t see me coming.”
Dylan
watched him rub the spot soaking up some of the moisture before wiping his
hands clean. He threw the towel back on the counter before slowly looking back
at her.
I LOVE this premise!! The concept is so unique. I love that every lie she tells and every lie she hears causes physical pain.
ReplyDeleteAnd then you up the stakes. The lies don't just hurt her, they hurt Jack too. I get the feeling from this opening that there's going to be some crushing on Jack going on, so I guess they better not lie to each other like normal people do, or there's going to be a body count. :)
If I were an agent, I would request this MS in a heartbeat! Great job, and good luck!
Thanks for the LOVE Kris!! You can see one of the problems pretty clearly and we both know "normal" people lie so yup...body count...at least pain level is UP!
DeleteThis premise is so unique! I really love the idea. I get a little lost in your query because it never really explains why all the sudden it happens or what the truth she is trying to get to is. It sounds like a really solid story, so I am sure these are very important elements that you hit on, it just is a little muddled in the query. Also, the line "the gash on Dylan’s stomach means he is far from fine, and now neither is she or Jack." was a little confusing, I had to read it twice, but it might just be me. I think if you just put the gash on "Dylan's stomach means she is far from fine, and now neither is Jack," the sentence would come across better.
ReplyDeleteThose are just my suggestion :) Your first 250 were great! I love Dylan's voice and it really pulled me into the story. Good luck! Your story has some wonderful potential!
Thanks Jessica for the comments! You are right - the WHY its happening now is key and spelled out in the story. I'm glad the changes I made help Dylan's voice come through in the beginning! I'll try to un-muddle that line a bit in the query and see what happens!
DeleteThanks so much :)
This premise is awesome, with an extra side of sauce. Lying causing physical pain?
ReplyDeleteI'd also tighten all of this, like the reader said above, this is where it's get a little too much: "She doesn’t want to admit she is becoming like him. But once Dylan’s best friend’s father innocently answers,“How are you?” with “I’m fine,” the gash on Dylan’s stomach means he is far from fine, and now neither is she or Jack."
She doesn't want to admit she's becoming like him, but one more lie later, she knows she's not fine and neither is Jack.
Or something like that.
The voice in the query and 250 is great. I did a quick editing of the 250, to catch some areas commas needed and did some showing rather than telling, replacing w/ action words.
****
Shoveling the last bit of pizza in her mouth, Dylan slid out of the booth at her favorite pizza shop. As she stood, she almost choked on the pizza. Some guy stood right in front of her booth, surprising her. The empty plate and half-finished soda were just inches from his shirt. Dylan looked down and watched as the soda sloshed and jumped the distance to splash dead center on his chest.
The guy smirked at her and looked down at his shirt before returning his gaze Dylan.
She swallowed and quick put her drink and plate down, adding another grease stain to her Algebra homework. “Jimmy, throw me a towel will ya?”
“What’d ya do this time?” Jimmy strolled out from the back with a towel and handed it to Dylan. “Ya that sloppiest person I’ve met.”
Dylan rolled her eyes and then turned her attention back to the guy. He didn’t move as the soda leaked down his shirt. She held the towel out to him. “Um, sorry.”
The smirk spread.
She silently cursed herself and the blush she felt creeping up her cheeks.
He reached out for the towel, not taking his eyes from hers and shrugged. “No worries. You didn’t see me coming.”
Dylan watched him rub the spot soaking up some of the moisture before wiping his hands clean. He threw the towel back on the counter before slowly looking back at her.
***
That's just a suggest to make it seem more active.
Good luck!
Great feedback! Thanks for the comments Jen :)
DeleteI've seen this in other contests. I really like the premise. I agree with the previous comments, on tightening your query a little. The thing that stood out to me was the dialogue in your first 250--it doesn't feel real. I'm not sure why it reads off, but it does. Maybe tweak that a little?
ReplyDeleteDefinitely a unique premise, nice voice too - I like it! I haven't got much to add that hasn't been said, but great work :)
ReplyDelete