Title:
WHISPERS OF DISASTER
Genre:
YA fantasy
Word
Count: 65,000
Query:
Taylor
is tired of secrets.
After
seventeen years of being surrounded by whispers, bizarre rumors, and nasty
looks, she refuses to go on without knowing why everyone is so afraid of her.
She becomes convinced the truth lies with her father.
Digging
into his past gets her an inside look at a mysterious group. A group who,
Taylor quickly learns, expects her to join them. Powerful and secretive,
it is an honor to become a Maaylina. But her aunt Cynthia leads with violence
and fear which makes Taylor wonder if she really has a choice. That’s okay with
her as long as it means getting answers, but even the Maaylina are hiding
things from her. And Taylor is tired of secrets.
Sick
of sitting around waiting for Cynthia to let her in on the big secret Taylor
defies direct orders and follows a group of Maaylian men to Guatemala on one of
their secret “missions”. Inside a crowded airport Taylor watches helplessly as
they cause the roof of the airport to collapse—crushing hundreds of people.
In
this terrifying initiation into the Maaylina’s true purpose Taylor learns they
don’t just believe in fate, they believe they are fate. Burning buildings, car
accidents, wars. Hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of deaths, all caused by
Taylor’s own family. But she doesn’t buy it. She doesn’t believe in fate.
Taylor
considers them murderers, and refuses to join. The Maaylina consider her a
traitor, and they have killed for much less.
First
250:
Taylor
took one long, deep breath before opening the door to her own personal hell.
Two
dozen heads turned to look at her as she walked in. Then the whispers began.
"Why
doesn't she just stay home?" one girl said.
Taylor
forced her eyes straight ahead. She was used to the comments.
“I
swear, I shiver every time I look into her eyes," a boy whispered.
“Then
don’t,” his friend said next to him. “I bet she’d curse you!”
Sometimes
it was like a game, guessing which angle they’d try each day, which new rumor
they’d come up with next. If only it didn’t make her skin crawl.
Taylor
pushed the anger down and sat at her desk. She was good at hiding, but as much
as she tried, her thick skin wasn’t indestructible. They still got to her.
But
she would never show them how much.
Just
as she was about to pull out an old letter, hidden among her pile of books, a
deep sound caught her attention. Turning her head slowly, she saw a pretty
blonde girl smiling sweetly. A girl Taylor had never seen before.
"Yes?"
Taylor asked.
"Can
I ask you a question?" she whispered.
"Go
right ahead." Taylor hardly expected a sleep over invitation.
"What's
it like having a murderer for a father?" the girl said more loudly, her
smile as big as ever.
The sample is great!! Really loved it!! But the query part almost feels a bit more like a synopsis....kinda long. I think the first line of paragraph one and the whole second paragraph of it are great...tells the reader what they need and leaves them wanting more. :) And that's the real point of a query. :)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!!!
I still love your 250. The query is good, but a little long. Sorry, I'm not sure what you can cut. But I do think we can tighten the opening paragraph. Here's my opinion :)
ReplyDeleteAfter seventeen years of being surrounded by whispers, bizarre rumors, and nasty looks, she needs to know why everyone is so afraid of her and she’s convinced the truth lies with her father.
Good luck!
Really loved the voice here and you ended the first 250 with a great hook. For the query, I'd suggest not repeating the line "Taylor is tired of secrets" twice, even if you're doing it for emphasis.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
I would read this, but I feel the query is missing something. What is Taylor going to do? Fight them? Run and hide? What does she find out about her father? You've built it up and I'm on the edge of my seat and expecting fire and explosions... but then she simply refuses to join. I want more! I want her jumping to act, not in defensive mode.
ReplyDeleteThe last lines should hit hard, but I feel "consider" is a bit of a weak verb. Maybe something more like, "Taylor refuses to join a gang of murderers" ?
I think the first sentences of paragraphs 4 and 5 need a comma.
The 250 put me right there. The "look into her eyes" comment especially. It has such lasting menace. I think you should combine "They still got to her." and "But she would never show them how much." to something like "She would never show them how much they got to her." ("They still got to her" by itself sounds a bit "telling" to me.)
I love the stakes here, and your antagonist is something very real in this world you've created. Your dialogue is natural and your writing is clean.
All just my two cents of course. Well done.
This sounds like a compelling story and the kind of thing I would like to read. I think the query could be stronger with a little tightening and some more concrete, specific facts.
ReplyDelete"After seventeen years of being surrounded by whispers, bizarre rumors, and nasty looks, she refuses to go on without knowing why everyone is so afraid of her. She becomes convinced the truth lies with her father."
I'm wondering why everyone else knows stuff about her family that she doesn't know. Everyone's in on the secret but her.
Instead of: "she refuses to go on" How about "she's determined to find out."
Is Taylor's father dead? If he is, you should mention it or tell why she can't ask him questions.
If the group is so insistent that Taylor join, why are they hiding its existence from her?
"But her aunt Cynthia leads with violence and fear which makes Taylor wonder if she really has a choice."
I think you could be more specific here. How does her aunt lead with violence and fear? What events convince Taylor of this? Does she see her aunt intimidate an underling or hit someone?
"That’s okay with her as long as it means getting answers, but even the Maaylina are hiding things from her."
I don't think you should say the violence and fear are okay with her. What makes her suspicious they are hiding things from her? Again, is there a event you could quickly mention that convinces her?
"Sick of sitting around waiting for Cynthia to let her in on the big secret Taylor..."
To tighten, how about just saying: To discover the truth, Taylor...
"Inside a crowded airport Taylor watches helplessly as they cause the roof of the airport to collapse—crushing hundreds of people."
Is it a magic power or do they use something like explosives?
"Hundreds, thousands, maybe millions of deaths, all caused by Taylor’s own family. But she doesn’t buy it. She doesn’t believe in fate."
I don't think you need to say doesn't believe in fate because they're choosing to make these things hapen. Could you give us a hint of what the group gains by causing these deaths?
"Taylor considers them murderers, and refuses to join. The Maaylina consider her a traitor, and they have killed for much less."
To make the last sentence stronger maybe something like: Her aunt gives her an ultimatum: join the Maaylina or die. Besides her death, what are the repercussions to choice she must make?
I like your voice in the sample. It hooks me in and makes me want to find out what happens next.
I hope some of this is helpful to you. Good luck!