Title:
SUMMER OF HOPE
Genre: YA
Word
Count: 52,000
Query:
After
witnessing the death of her twin brother Jamie, sixteen year old Callie swears
to never allow herself to get close to anyone again, because it hurts too much
to lose them. She begins to question her faith and rebel against her family.
Against her wishes, she is made to go to her family's summer vacation home.
While there, she meets the "Perfects". They're the kind of girls who
Callie always wanted to be like and wasn't...perfect hair, perfect clothes,
perfect boyfriends. And suddenly, they invite her into their perfect little
group. She also meets the new neighbor, Ethan; and even though she thinks there
is something weird about him, she's drawn to him. Unfortunately, she also finds
out that he's hiding a secret. And when she finally discovers what's going on,
her world is changed in ways she couldn't have ever imagined, along with
everyone else around her.
Callie is
forced to face her worst fears, and challenge her beliefs in love, faith, and
herself all in one summer.
Summer of Hope would
appeal to readers that enjoy reading Lurlene McDaniel or Sarah Dessen. I have
my B.S. in English Education from Penn State University and have written for
almost ten years for various on and offline publications as both a freelancer
and contracted writer.
First
250:
Callie sat
up in her bed with a start, dripping with sweat, causing her thin summer
nightgown to cling to her shaking body. Tears were streaming down her face as
she kept repeating to herself, "It was a dream, it was just a dream."
Slowly, she
swung her legs off of the side of the bed until her feet touched the cool
hardwood floor. She stood up and walked to the window, while attempting to gulp
back the sobs. As she brushed the sheer cotton curtain back from the window,
her mind didn't even register the moonlit setting in front of her. Instead, all
she could see was a repeat of the scene that had awakened her, playing over and
over again in her mind's eye.
She could
see Jamie laughing with his friends, reaching over to good naturedly jostle his
buddy over something he said that Callie couldn't hear from where she was
standing in their yard. It was a gorgeous spring day, the classic kind that
makes everyone want to just forget about any responsibilities they might have
indoors, and go outside and enjoy the sunshine and breeze and just being alive.
It was also the kind of day that makes sixteen year old kids try to be
impressive and drive like they're in the Indy 500.
They said
Jamie never even knew what hit him. He had barely stepped down from the curb,
when a convertible full of teenagers roared around the turn, ignoring the stop
sign, and ran directly into him.
This is just the type of YA contemporary I gravitate toward (Jessi Kirby might be another great compartive author more current than Lurlene McDaniel -- unless McDaniel is still writing...). Your query reads a little like a synopsis play-by-play at first; I think that can easily be reworked.
ReplyDeleteYou'll want to get the crux of the conflict in your query. When you say this:
Callie is forced to face her worst fears, and challenge her beliefs in love, faith, and herself all in one summer.
What happens if Callie doesn't face her worst fears? (And what are the fears?) You've hinted at weirdness and secrets, but it will strengthen your story to just say what they are. Agents will want to know what makes your story that deals with loss and identity a unique one.
I read recently a great little gem: if your Hero is a firefighter, the Heroine better be an arsonist. Look for that conflict and show the stakes in your conflict. What about the boy's secret will challenge Cassie?
I'm rooting for you!
I agree with Stephsco's comments above. I think you've got a great premise and a beautiful voice, but the query could be distilled down further to just the nuts and bolts (it reads more like a synopsis.) For instance, I would whittle down your initial hook to something simple like this:
ReplyDeleteAfter witnessing the death of her twin brother Jamie, sixteen-year-old Callie swears to never get close to anyone again.
I can easily identify with the MC - nice voice!
I do like the premise of this, but I would suggest being a little more clear on the conflict and stakes. I am guessing the secret is the big conflict. What are her choices? Why must she face her fears? Why are her beliefs challenged?
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the first 250. I always read warnings about starting the novel with someone waking up, but because of the premise I think it works. It's so natural that she would always have those last moments of her brother in her mind. In this instance it gives all the background the reader needs to get a feel for Callie. But see what others have to say about it.
I really felt for Callie. Good job showing her feelings. The ending made me want to read more.
I like agree with comments about the conflict. I'm not usually a fan of contemp, but I enjoyed your 250 - good job!
ReplyDeleteStephsco,
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for all your feedback. I'll be honest, I had no idea how to write a query, and everywhere I've been going tells me something different. I've sent a couple out, and they were all different because I kept reading different articles about "exactly how to do it."
As for my conflict, again, that was my ignorance. I didn't know how much I was supposed to reveal. So THANK YOU. Ethan is actually dying...and that is what he, and his family are hiding. So there we have the secret, and the fears she has to face. Can she open herself up to loss again? Does she give up on God and give in to the anger and path she started down? When she finds out...she freaks...her family flips, she literally almost has a mini-kind of breakdown. She ends up missing. Her parents can't find her..they are blaming Ethan and his family, etc. Readers will end up not sure at one point (hopefully! lol) if she is the one that died in the hospital or Ethan). She thinks she sees her brother Jamie while she is "out of it" at the hospital...etc..etc. (Don't want to ruin it all and give away the ending.) Do I say all of that in my query? (well,not quite that wordy and casually I know.) Or do I just want to lure and entice but not tell to much?
Thank you!
Jodie
Thank you to Cheryl,Meredith and Jess as well! I truly appreciate the time you each took to read my entry and offer your feedback!!
ReplyDeleteJodie
Ok...really trying to take the feedback into consideration! I know this isn't for the entry...I'm just looking for opinions from you all, because I really respect your advice! Do you think something like this is more on the right track? Would it draw you in more? (If I'm not even allowed to post this, I apologize, and obviously just delete it!)
ReplyDeleteA horrific accident. A loss of faith in God. A breakdown in family. A vow to never love again. A boy that changes her life. A summer of hope.
Sixteen year old Callie is furious that her parents expect her to just pick up and go to their family vacation home for the summer. This would be the first year without her twin brother Jamie being there too. He wasn't just her brother, he was her best friend. She's mad at God, she's sick of her parents, she just wants to escape from it all. To make matters worse, she gets there only to learn that her only real friend in Cape May sold their vacation home and wouldn't be coming back that year. When she finally meets the new neighbors, she's expecting a snot-nosed screaming toddler for the son. She couldn't have been more wrong. She makes a decidedly less than impressive first impression on a decidedly impressive step-out of-a-magazine hottie. To her amazement, he actually seems interested in her, witty repartie and all. They begin spending time together, but she can't figure him out. He's smart, he's genuine, and he seems to really like her. She finds her heart drawn to Ethan's even as her head screams Don't do it! That is...until she realizes he's hiding a secret that will change everything.
She hadn't known that Ethan had something he wanted to escape for the summer too. He didn't want to be the "sick kid" back home; he wanted a summer to just be himself without the label. Because his label was the kid with Hodgkin's disease. And his confession to Callie kickstarts a series of events that affects both of their families, forever.
From your comment: I think you definitely want to lure and entice, but it's MORE alluring and enticing with some specifics. In my opinion I think you're safe with up through the first third to half of the book. Don't give away the ending, but do be specific enough to give the reader a situation and characters they can care about.
ReplyDeleteBack to the query:
After witnessing the death of her twin brother Jamie, sixteen year old Callie swears to never allow herself to get close to anyone again, because it hurts too much to lose them.
I think this is clunky and tightening it could help get Callie's voice across, too. Maybe something like
After witnessing her twin brother die, sixteen-year-old Callie swears she'll never get close to anyone again. Losing them just hurts too much.
Does that feel right? Does it feel like Callie to you? If so run with that kind of thing through the rest of the query.
She begins to question her faith and rebel against her family. Against her wishes, she is made to go to her family's summer vacation home. While there, she meets the "Perfects". They're the kind of girls who Callie always wanted to be like and wasn't...perfect hair, perfect clothes, perfect boyfriends.
Try to leave out phrases like "begins to". They water down your writing. I do wonder if the faith is a secondary plot line and if it needs to be here, but you know that, not me.
And suddenly, they invite her into their perfect little group.
Heh! I like the "perfect little group" after the other "perfect" phrases. Although... I'm not sure the perfect group needs to be here (in the query.) You don't mention them again. They don't complicate her life they're just there.
She also meets the new neighbor, Ethan; and even though she thinks there is something weird about him, she's drawn to him. Unfortunately, she also finds out that he's hiding a secret. And when she finally discovers what's going on, her world is changed in ways she couldn't have ever imagined, along with everyone else around her.
Callie is forced to face her worst fears, and challenge her beliefs in love, faith, and herself all in one summer.
It can definitely be tightened up and more specifics will really help us care more but the premise sounds solid and gritty. I think you really have something here to work with. On a personal note, it sounds like the kind of thing I might like.
Summer of Hope would appeal to readers that enjoy reading Lurlene McDaniel or Sarah Dessen. I have my B.S. in English Education from Penn State University and have written for almost ten years for various on and offline publications as both a freelancer and contracted writer.
Lurlene! ♥ Ahem, okay, I'll move on. :-D Not sure how well the "various" "freelancer" and "contracted" work as writing creds without any specifics. I don't know if it'd really be a negative mark, but if you have any recognizable names to drop that might make it stronger. (Totally would understand if that's just vague for the contest, though.)
ReplyDeleteAs far as the sample... There were a few phrases that made me question the voice. I'm being pretty picky here, but with only 250 to go on, they all count.
-"were streaming" try using "streamed" instead. It's less passive.
-I hesitate with the moonlit night description, just to say the character who we're seeing the book through didn't notice it.
-"She could see..." Is that phrase needed? You know she's the one seeing it. I'm on the fence because she isn't literally seeing it, but I'm not sure if it's not a stronger sentence without that phrase. (See this post about frames from Mary Kole: http://kidlit.com/2012/02/08/eliminating-the-frame/)
-"full of teenagers" Almost makes it feel like she ISN'T a teenager. There were a few other phrases that had me question the authenticity of the teen voice. "with a start" and "good naturedly jostle his buddy" were the ones that stood out the most.
Hope that helps. (and sorry it was so long!) I really do like the premise and I do feel like Callie's got a great story to tell.
Wendy,
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking so much time to offer such in depth suggestions. I am new to all of this..so it is very appreciated. The part about her faith is integral to the story, that's why I wanted to put it in. I felt that if I didn't then it was "suddenly an issue" for some readers...I don't want to seem like I just sprung that on them. I guess what stinks is that I feel she really starts to find herself once they are at the beach...like she is comfortable in her own skin. And even I like her better then. Up to then she just kind of aloof, then snarky, then bitchy, then withdrawn...just a whirlwind of changing emotions. I could flow with writing her better later. But reading so many of the other entries...I just feel like taking my ball and going home. lol I'm dazzled! Anyway...again...thank you.
Jodie - I must say I love your new hook, I think this is much stronger:
ReplyDeleteA horrific accident. A loss of faith in God. A breakdown in family. A vow to never love again. A boy that changes her life. A summer of hope.
I still think you have too many details in the query -- it reads more like a synopsis. Pick out a few major points and focus on those. Cut out the "to make matters worse" and other superfluous words you don't need (I know it's hard!!) I think you are well on your way, and I still love the voice!
Holy crow! Am I late to this party or what? I love me some good contemp! I'm going to take this query then first 250, so stick with me! ;)If you have any questions you can reply here and @ (@andimjulie) me on twitter to let me know you have a question!
ReplyDeleteQUERY: Okay, I wasn't going to read any of the comments (including your revised query), but that didn't work out so well. hahaha Seriously everyone had such great insghtful things to say! I totally agree that we need to know straight from the get-go what the stakes are. I think someone else commented on this but "worst fears" is such an overused cliche, so why use that when you can tell us her worst fears and give us even more reason to invest? Your new query looks fab by the way, but I do think you could trim some specifics. In a query, if a word isn't completely necessary, it's just a distraction. So try to keep that in mind, especially when you stumble upon a cliche. I think your bio is great and totally appropriate!
First 250: Okay, so first let me say you've got a great voice and a way with words. I spotted a few awkward phrasings and unnecessary words that it seems like others have touched on. The only thing I'm not sure about is the main character waking up from a dream on your very first page. It can be a little cliche and I know some agents won't read on if they see that. BUT if it's totally necessary, I would concentrate on making your first 250 absolutely flawless. Look at each word and decide if it's necessary. Again, great voice. I always love a summer house book so write on! ;)
Good luck, 24!
Julie,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your detailed feedback and critique! I REALLY appreciate it. I had really flip-flopped about the whole dream opener, but then decided to stick with it because of what happens at the end of the book (It is actually a kind of foreshadowing.) But now I'm concerned that since I obviously need agents to SEE the rest of the book that may not be the best plan. I also did take advice given and have already gone over first page, and am hoping I tightened it where I needed to.
Again, thank you for your feedback and encouragement!
Jodie