Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CAGI Entry #34


Title: THROUGH AMBER SMOKE
Genre: Contemporary Romance
Word Count: 75,000

Query:

Upon her mother’s mysterious death, Hadley finds herself the unwilling owner with an inherited wooden cruiser, the one her family owned when she was a child, long before she and her mother relocated from Oklahoma to France. In her quest to find a buyer for the dilapidated boat, she accepts the assistance of a Native American man. She only wants to return to Paris as soon as possible, while he resents her foreignness and plans to settle down with an All-American girl on Grand Lake, playground of wealthy oil men, and a unique wooden boat culture. In the end he reveals secrets about her mother that rock her views of life and love—and him.

My book, a story of returning home, culture shock, and finding true love, is called Through Amber Smoke. Readers of my book would also read Elizabeth Lowell’s Amber Beach, Tracy Ann Lord’s Good Catch and Karen White’s On Folly Beach.

I have always worked with words, in both my education and my career. I have a B.A. in English, a Master’s Degree in Communication and am ABD for a Ph.D. in. I taught business and technical writing in the university for eight years, and now work as a corporate trainer/instructional designer. My short play, Every Boat’s for Sale, was recently performed in a local theatre, and I placed in contemporary fiction in the Cleveland Rocks 2012 writing contest (the first I ever entered). This story was inspired by my fascination with boats and my involvement in the wooden boat culture of Grand Lake, Oklahoma. In fact, a significant portion of the book was written on a boat.

First 250

Hadley frowned at the partially open door and rubbed her sweaty palms on the seat of her shorts. She listened carefully for any noises from inside the boat, but all she could hear was the creaking of the wooden dock and her own heart pounding. Had someone been on board?

She forced herself to smile. No worries. Nothing else could go wrong after the hell she’d lived through for the last couple of days. She’d used up her share of bad luck. She was sure of it. A quick nudge of her toe to the door of the neglected old yacht slid it the rest of the way open. She took a deep breath, then, wary of spiders and other creatures that thrived in abandoned places, edged forward and squinted into the dim interior.

“Are you Hadley?” A deep voice erupted from the dark, sending her scrambling backwards up the stairs. As she stumbled out onto the deck, her gaze darted up and down the deserted dock. Could anyone hear her scream, if that’s what she decided to do?

Forget screaming. She couldn’t see anyone. So she’d handle this man herself. She was here to get this ridiculous situation under control and get herself out of this country. Sucking in her breath and keeping a safe distance, Hadley faced the stranger whose head appeared from the shadows. She stood as tall as she could, crossed her arms, lifted her chin and tried her best to appear intimidating.

14 comments:

  1. Very interesting! And this query is nice and short, which gives you room to add and play around. I love how it covers all the major points in a very succinct manner. The only thing I see lacking is the query has no voice, gives no feel of Hadley as a character—is she funny, shy, outgoing, or a worry wart? The same for the love interest. Agents want to see voice (character) in a query.

    I’ve heard conflicting views on sharing personal information, like education and degree or what inspired the book or where it was written. Some agents say only share education if it has something to do with the story. Like you’re writing about archeologist and you’re an archeologist. Before including that, research the agents you’re submitting to. Some clearly state not include that while others want to see that. Definitely include the play and the contest placement, but take out the (first I’ve ever ended) as that really doesn’t tell an agent anything and double check each agent. Again, some only want info on contests if you’ve won.

    The first 250 is great and Hadley has spunk. Get that into the query! The 250 makes me want to read more, find out who is in the boat and why she’s had her share of bad luck.

    Nice work!

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  2. I wanted a little more story out of the query and a little less bio. That being said, I found this premise interesting (although my husband's family lives on Grand Lake and is part Cherokee, so I may be a bit biased). I enjoyed the writing in the first 250. Good luck!

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  3. I guess by including so much bio, I'm trying to let an agent know that I'm a professional writer already, just a very different kind. Love the comments. You're the first writers who've ever critiqued my query, and I know how much I need the input. Thanks.

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  4. Nice work :) I enjoyed your 250. One thing I think you could do is show a little more - occasionally it slips into telling. Overall though I like and and would read on.

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  5. * "unwilling owner OF in inherited wooden cruiser" (nit-picky grammar)

    * I would like to see more of Hadley's personality. This is difficult! I think it takes a few revisions to execute that, but it is so important.

    * Consider would change "foreignness" to something else. Clunky, amateur word--and I don't think your writing is either of those things, so don't misrepresent yourself! I would definitely make it a kicky phrase, with personality, but "foreignness" reads like a middle schooler.

    * ...annnnd, I just read on. "Culture shock," yes!!! Love.

    * remove commas after "culture shock" & after "true love." Mechanics nazi, that's me :) If I'm wrong, please email me & notify me because, as an English Teacher, I will then hang my head in shame.

    * My initial reaction is to shorten the bio section, although I can see your reasoning in giving such strong credentials. If I were you, I'd comb the archives on the query shark blog to see what Janet Reid says about that. queryshark.blogspot.com

    * I would like to see a stronger VOICE, more energetic language. I think you can easily do this by strengthening your verbs, cutting what's weak. ex) "She only wants to return to Paris as soon as possible." CUT 'ONLY," CHANGE IT TO STRONG LANGUAGE, RICH WITH YOUR CHARACTER'S VOICE/PERSONALITY.

    I was intrigued by that sentence; think how you could hook a reader/agent if you spiced it up. I wanted to know more detail, though, about the plot. WHY is she wanting to return to Paris? I think you should add more in, at the very start, about this element. Doesn't need to be much, just a phrase you pack with punch. When you said "she and her mother relocated from Oklahoma to France," you had me. Such an unlikely pairing! Give more. Reel us in right there.

    * I'm probably revealing my stupidity here, but I got a little mixed up between "cruiser" and "boat." You had me going back and forth, reading for clarity, and I don't think you want to do that. My first image attached to "wooden cruiser" was one of those old "woodies," the retro surfer beach cruiser wagons. But then you said "dilapidated boat" and "Grand Lake" and "boat culture" and that you wrote much of it on a boat. So maybe clarify at the very beginning.

    * Also, I don't have a firm sense of PLACE, where the story takes place. Lots of locations mentioned, but you didn't firmly root us where she is RIGHT NOW. I know she lived in OK as a small child, then France, now she wants to get back to France, and that Native American Man wants to settle on Grand Lake. But I don't know where either one of them are. And where is Grand Lake? I'm sure that reveals me to be woefully under-informed, but make it clear to whomever may be reading.

    * Illuminate the hero, unless this is Women's Fiction. But if you're going for Romance, the hero needs to share the main character stage with the heroine. Who is he? And more importantly, is he hot?


    * The conflict is not clearly drawn. I know it's in your story; tell us what it is! I want to know! I feel you have a good start, just need to expand a little. Your credential paragraph is longer than your plot paragraph. I don't understand enough of the conflict. Also, i know an agent wants to see The Choice. Where does she have to make a big choice which sets her on an unforeseen path? And what are the stakes, the complications?

    And now I must carpool! I will return later to read your 250.

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  6. Also. I just saw the typo in the very first line of my response above. Please ignore. I have kids swarming all around me as I type. Gah.

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  8. I totally understand. I have a typo in the first line of my query. Thanks so much for your comments. I'm just starting this query process. I know I have a lot to learn.

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  9. And to answer your questions, Crystal, Grand Lake is in Oklahoma, and that's where the story takes place. And it is about wooden boats.

    I didn't even know that old wooden surfer cars were called cruisers. Different cultures, I guess... Thanks for telling me!

    And I've been thinking that I'm going to have to go back and work on Zane some, get a little deeper into him, and maybe give him a whole chapter. Not sure. He's an interesting guy, and yes,he'll totally hot!

    I'm almost ready to start Edit #2, so I'll keep that in mind.

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  10. Upon her mother’s mysterious death, Hadley finds herself the unwilling owner with an inherited wooden cruiser, the one her family owned when she was a child, long before she and her mother relocated from Oklahoma to France. In her quest to find a buyer for the dilapidated boat, she accepts the assistance of a Native American man. She only wants to return to Paris as soon as possible, while he resents her foreignness and plans to settle down with an All-American girl on Grand Lake, playground of wealthy oil men, and a unique wooden boat culture. In the end he reveals secrets about her mother that rock her views of life and love—and him.

    This is the only paragraph in your query that should be in your query, and it doesn't tell me anywhere near enough about the book.

    Hadley needs to have higher stakes than just "I want to sell this boat and go back to France". WHAT is driving her? What happens if she DOESN'T get what she wants? WHAT information does this man have, and why does she want it? What will she do to get it?

    Until you answer these questions, you haven't told me enough about the story to entice me to read on.

    Additionally, your query makes it sound very much like the Native American man (who doesn't even get a name???) is just here to antagonize your Pretty White Lady, which is a huge turn-off to me.

    If he's an important character, he should read like one.

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  11. This is my first attempt at a query, and I welcome all criticism and advice. I have to learn how to do it right! Thank you.

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  12. It feels like the bio is just way too long, and the query doesn't really make me want to read your novel. I'm not even sure if the "this story was inspired by..." is something agents care about.

    I feel like I won't be able to give some proper advice, but I would suggest you look up Query Shark and her blog. She reviews and breaks down queries, pointing the bad and good within them. I think you'd learn a lot if you took a look at the archives of the blog.

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  13. I plan to do that. Believe it or not, I looked up several example queries and read many articles about them and the consensus was to do the three paragraphs I did. I've just now heard of Query Shark, and I will be spending some time out there.

    I am so sad that we no longer have a RWA chapter in Tulsa. In the short time I was a member, I learned so much and I miss having experienced writers to learn from. That's why I entered this contest.

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  14. Things I should add: Hadley doesn't believe in "Happy Ever After," and plans to live her life out as a "free woman." Zane resents foreign women because his mother was a European refugee and he was embarrassed as a boy because she was "different." Hadley wants to return to Paris because that's where her life is....and because she's a successful jewelry designer with a clientele there. Zane's father was with Hadley's mother when she died.

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