Title:
CHILDREN OF THE GODS
Genre: YA
Steampunk/Mythology (Mythpunk) Romance
Word
Count: 75K
Query:
One Night
–
A Masquerade under a sky stamped with the silhouettes of airships.
Two
Races –
Olympians and Titans living in the automaton luxury of steam
technology.
Three Fates –
Who impose the death penalty on interracial
relations.
Four Oracles –
Give an Olympian girl and a Titan boy a
prophecy.
As a punishment for The Great War between the Titans and Olympians
eons ago, the Fates laid down strict segregation laws between the two races
that hold fast in this era of airships and glistening automaton cities. When an
undeniable attraction transcends the masks and anonymity of the annual
Masquerade, eighteen-year-old Titan Lucas Vassallo must make a brutal decision
– sacrifice everything for the enticing Olympian Pandora Rines, or submit to
the age-old laws no one questions. In the midst of a world taut under the
strain of segregation, their defiance of the Fates may cost them their lives.
First
250:
I can say
when I first saw her, my breath left me in a whoosh, but that was only because
at the same moment, a meaty elbow drove into my gut. A series of curses in the
old language flew out of my mouth while I stumbled to one side. A twinge ran up
my left leg when I straightened to the laughing eyes of my best friend, Tiro.
"Gods,
man, you can say hi like normal people." I punched him in the arm.
Tiro
laughed. "Aw, Lucas, all in good fun. 'Sides, you were a little
distracted. Spot something tasty?" He slung a mammoth forearm around my
neck, his attention on the dance floor below.
I skimmed
the crowd, hoping to catch a glimpse of the girl with the multi-colored hair
again, but she was lost in the mass of people. "Nah, just enjoying the
view."
"And
what a view it is."
The polished
marble dance floor of Vomos nightclub stretched out below the second level
balcony where we stood. Normally, the pulsing lights flowed along the natural
stone floor, following the veins as they twisted and writhed across its
expanse. Tonight, however, the twisting and writhing belonged to the under-aged
demigod and daemon bodies costumed in anonymity and shadows.
It was the
night of The Masquerade. Only the most zealous of segregation believers shunned
the daemon party, but those who believed the laws were antiquated or simply
didn't care waited all year for the event.
I love the set up of the query. Lists don't always work, but I think this one does. Definitely high stakes here. I love the first 250 as well! SO many awesome elements here, you clearly have talent as a writer! Good luck! I hope you get snapped up!
ReplyDeleteLoved the query, and the first 250 words as well. Great job!
ReplyDeleteGiven the genre, I think the creative take on the query might work. I like the approach, but I did have to reread it to get the scope of the stakes (death for interacial relations). It will be interesting to see how other readers respond.
ReplyDeleteI liked your opening, it reads really well. I got tripped up on 'Sides but I get it now that's "besides." I'm definitely curious about the girl with the multi-colored hair.
I love a good twist on Romeo and Juliet, especially in this setting. Your writing is beautiful. The query is different but works!! Enticing. :)
ReplyDeleteI love a good twist on Romeo and Juliet, especially in this setting. Your writing is beautiful. The query is different but works!! Enticing. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree! I love Romeo and Juliet, but it's really hard to make it feel new again. Mythpunk is a fantastic twist! I'm totally intrigued. :)
ReplyDeleteDitto on liking the uniqueness of this query. It works well for this theme! And the writing? Stunning.
ReplyDeleteHere is why I love the query: Olympians and Titans living in the automaton luxury of steam technology. In one sentence you painted the setting for me so clearly I can really SEE everything. Rather than spend an entire paragraph describing the world the MCs live in, you did it in one sentence. Amazing!
ReplyDeleteAnd I am absolutely in love with Lucas. I love the whole mythpunk thing. Fabulous job and God Luck!
Ack, Good luck!
DeleteI'm one that doesn't like the list in the query - but I do like the rest of it.
ReplyDelete"I can say when I first saw her, my breath left me in a whoosh, but that was only because at the same moment, a meaty elbow drove into my gut."
I really like your opening line!
"A series of curses in the old language flew out of my mouth while I stumbled to one side."
How about just 'I cursed in the old language' - 'old language' is intriguing but the flow of this sentence is similar to the last and I'm a stickler for rhythm.
"A twinge ran up my left leg when I straightened to the laughing eyes of my best friend, Tiro."
Consider breaking this up - some very, very minor tweaks and this will be showing.
""Gods, man, you can say hi like normal people." I punched him in the arm."
Nice dialogue. The dialogue that follows also works well for me.
"The polished marble dance floor of Vomos nightclub stretched out below the second level balcony where we stood."
CMaybe consider dropping 'marble' and 'second level' - these seem to slow it down a bit.
"Normally, the pulsing lights flowed along the natural stone floor, following the veins as they twisted and writhed across its expanse."
expanse doesn't work for me, the the rest is great. 'Expanse' feels like too much - earlier I noticed someone use 'volume' instead of 'book' - this is a similar feeling I get. I'd stick to floor.
"Tonight, however, the twisting and writhing belonged to the under-aged demigod and daemon bodies costumed in anonymity and shadows."
Nice, but I'd consider losing 'however'.
"It was the night of The Masquerade. Only the most zealous of segregation believers shunned the daemon party, but those who believed the laws were antiquated or simply didn't care waited all year for the event."
Nice gradual delivery of back story - great showing.
Anyway - excellent overall, I enjoyed reading it.
I can't get over how much scene-setting you pack into a query and one page - seriously incredible. And obviously I loved this entire manuscript, so... yeah. Go CotG!
ReplyDeleteI really loved this. The query was neat and the first 250 are instantly intriguing. I would definitely want to keep reading if I picked this up. Good luck with it!!
ReplyDeleteP.S. Mine hasn't gotten any comments yet, if you could take a look, I'd really appreciate it! I'm entry 29. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi #40! This is your first-round judge comment.
ReplyDeleteComments on your query:
The opening list: Clever enough, and doesn’t bother me with the format. However, even though this has clearly got epic threads (weaving mythology in generally seems to do that), I’d trim out the couple places that edge toward flowery. “A sky stamped with the silhouettes of airships” sounds over the top to me. And I’m not sure what you mean by “the automaton luxury.” I think “automaton” is not the best word choice here. The list does a good job establishing our story’s problem, though. Clearly this is about forbidden love, and you’ve already made it clear that the consequences are no joke.
The description of your story’s main problem is too vague for me. If this is a romance, and if the story is primarily focused on this forbidden romance, I need to know more about the characters besides just knowing he’s a Titan and she’s an Olympian. A billion stories have been written about the star-crossed lovers. We need to know what’s different about yours. Because in stories like these, the lovers always defy fate, and it’s not surprising to see them do so. We know they’re not going to shrug, acknowledge it’s forbidden for Montagues to date Capulets, decide not to buck the system, and go about their lives. We need to know more about why we want to watch your characters do this age-old dance, because regardless of whether they’re doing it in a mythpunk setting, it’s a well-established story type and you’ll get passed over if it looks like you’re doing nothing but telling it again with the drapes changed.
I also notice you mention a prophecy in your list, but don’t elaborate in the body. I’d like to know more. Maybe this is part of what makes the story unique? Tell us a little more about Pandora and Lucas, because I bet they can carry your story.
Language notes on your query:
* “Lucas Vassallo must make a brutal decision – sacrifice everything”—I recommend checking out a usage guide on the difference between hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes, and applying what you find globally. Here you are incorrectly using an en dash.
Thanks for the feedback. I'll take another look at the main paragraph. I had a sentence in there about the prophecy but was advised to take it out by many people and add in more steampunk elements since that's the unique factor of this story. Soooo.... I'll keep playing with it.
DeleteThank you for your thoughts; they are greatly appreciated.
No need to reintroduce the prophecy if whatever you'd originally had was problematic; I guess for me the most important thing would be making sure you help us understand right away more about who the people are in this forbidden relationship and why we should care if they're risking death to be together. I may be biased, though, because I greatly prefer compelling characters to an innovative setting or a tried and true plot blueprint when it comes to carrying a story. Ultimately it's your baby, so only you know what the most important aspects of it are!
DeleteComments on your first 250:
ReplyDeleteFun establishment of lighthearted voice here, though I’d tweak “a meaty elbow drove into my gut”—maybe “connected with my gut”? You’ve opened by both showing our main character setting eyes on a girl AND showing him getting fun-lovingly accosted by his best friend. This shows a lot in few words, so very good.
The description of the setting was introduced naturally, which is good considering this is not an easy task for all writers. The characters’ dialogue naturally sets into an excuse to describe, and you don’t overdo it. However, I didn’t like the last sentence: “Tonight, however, the twisting and writhing belonged to the under-aged demigod and daemon bodies costumed in anonymity and shadows.” “Underage” makes more sense than “under-aged” if you’re suggesting this is a bunch of young people, and “costumed in anonymity” tells us nothing specific. I think you can find a more natural way to tell us everyone’s wearing costumes.
I’d like the bit about “only the most zealous of segregation believers” better if it sounded less like a narrator talking to us. Maybe Lucas can have a thought about how all those stuffy segregation believers are missing out, or something like that—connect this expository information to his thoughts the way you connected the description of the setting to what the characters did. It will sound much more natural.
I’m a little surprised your query tone was so dramatic when contrasted with the irreverent interaction of your main character and his best friend, with modern slang and accessible character-oriented action. I worry that if an agent liked the dramatic, epic-fantasy-like tone in your query, the tone of the actual writing would feel like a mismatch, and vice versa.
Language notes on the first 250:
* “the girl with the multi-colored hair”—“multicolored” is actually one word.
* “below the second level balcony”—I’d hyphenate “second-level balcony” to establish that the balcony is on the second level rather than that the balcony is the second of more than one balconies that are level.
* Your sentence structure doesn’t really need a lot of help. You have a good sense of how to phrase ideas and it’s very readable. And you don’t seem to have any consistent language glitches save what I mentioned about your query.
Please feel free to reply or contact me privately if you have any questions about my feedback. I’m honest but I don’t bite. Good luck!
Thank you for the feedback! I'll take a look at tightening.
DeleteRe: the tonal difference between the query and this bit. All I can say is, don't worry, it gets serious fast when all the sh*t hits the fan, but, yes, the beginning is definitely more on the lighthearted side. I mean, they're in a club enjoying themselves and he sees a hot girl. ;)
Lighthearted during moments of levity and serious during moments of gravity is as it should be. But your query is concept-heavy while your opening was character-centric. (The fact that it's in first person emphasizes this.) The issue isn't one of lighthearted vs. serious; I'm not suggesting you weigh down the beginning. But because you described concept and setting more than character and story arc, I thought the piece I was about to read would match--that it would be Tolkienien in a way (though of course not in Middle-Earth). The flavor was unexpected. The fact that it will soon shift to more serious matters won't change the flavor if your story remains in first person and continues to be character-centric. I wouldn't be too concerned about what I'm interpreting as a mismatch, because honestly it's completely possible that an agent might like both "flavors." It's only if the agent expected a concept piece and got a character piece that you might run into a problem, but who knows I could be full of hot hair. ;)
DeleteBeautiful query and first 250. It certainly pulls me in and I'm very fond of romance so yay for that!
ReplyDeleteWow, what great judge feedback. Very interesting to see such in-depth thoughts.
Re judge feedback: Thanks . . . I'm afraid I don't really know how to be concise. Word count was an issue for me in even getting an agent, and I anticipate my wordiness continuing to cause issues. Heh. You should see me trying to use Twitter.
DeleteI know I've said it before, but I'll just keep on telling you that I like the list format in the query. But I always like queries that are a little different, as long as they still set up the story well--and I believe yours does.
ReplyDeleteI love how much world-building you cram into 250 words without info-dump and ridiculousness.