Title:
HAVOC'S KNOT
Genre:
Upper MG Epic Fantasy
Word
Count: 95,000
Query:
Jake lives
life on the edge—of a pencil, that is. With his nose glued to his sketchbook,
he is happy to ignore the outside world. The fact of the matter is, his voice
hasn’t broken, he’s still as skinny as a spring chicken and girls don’t even
know he exists. Nothing cool has ever happened to him—until he visits the city
museum, where he learns the hard way why the signs say: Do Not Touch.
After brief
contact with a sword, Jake suddenly finds himself surrounded by skyscraper
trees and people who blur the line between human and animal. If that wasn’t
enough to make him curl up and hide, he discovers the
locals believe he is the warrior foretold to defeat a genocidal tyrant. None
other than the big bad wolf.
There’s just
one problem: The prophecy isn’t about Jake, and he’s the only one who knows it.
He’s landed
clear out of his comfort zone and smack dab in a pile of dragonscat. If he
wants to survive man-eating flowers and a friend’s betrayal, he must adjust to
a lifestyle on the sword-tip of danger. After all, he can’t go around penciling
people to death. Jake’s dwindling hope to return home quickly transforms into a
race to defeat the wolf king before everyone he has come to know and love is
exterminated. Even if that means painting himself as someone he’s not.
First
250:
There was
nothing more annoying than a blinding sunbeam. Frankly, Jake was not fond of
the sun, or anything about the outdoors. And the sweet clean stench of spring
air was pounding an irrational thought through his mind. Am I outside?
That simply made no sense. And yet, that’s exactly what he knew to be
true.
Every muscle
and bone within him ached as though he had slammed against the damp ground
beneath him. Dark clouds rolled overhead, shrouding the sky in gray. Sprawled
within a patch of feathery meadow grasses agitated by the wind, Jake lifted
himself and took in the scenery.
The dusk lit
meadow was sprinkled with flowers and shrubs, surrounded by trees that scraped
the clouds. Glancing at the stormy ceiling, he noticed a pink glow shed by the
rising moon and another, much smaller moon snuggled close to the horizon. One
thing was for sure, this was not Earth. Suddenly, he remembered what happened
at the museum.
“Are you
lost?” asked a welcoming voice. As his heart slammed against his ribs, Jake
twisted around and sprung to his feet. A man in his early thirties stood before
him with an outstretched hand and yellow eyes that tore straight through Jake’s
quivering body. He kept his defensive position a good five feet from the
individual.
“I think so,”
he said, touching his neck. The voice that came out of his mouth was not the one
Jake was familiar with. It sounded older. Deep and intimidating.
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ReplyDeleteOkay...let me just start by saying that I love the query!! The concept that Jake is just this geeky kid who gets thrust into this crazy situation is awesome. I agree with Jess though. I think the first 250 need to be tightened up just a little.
ReplyDelete"There was nothing more annoying than a blinding sunbeam.Frankly, Jake was not fond of the sun, or anything about the outdoors. And the sweet clean stench of spring air was pounding an irrational thought through his mind.
The third line felt a little contradictory, since sweet and clean don't go with stench. I get what you were going for there but, to me, the paragraph works better without it. The fact that Jake finds sunbeams so annoying is funny and shows us very clearly that he isn't an outdoorsy kind of guy. Also, to me it felt like we needed more physical reactions, rather than just his thoughts. Maybe you could try something like:
There was nothing more annoying than a blinding sunbeam. Jake threw his arm in front of his eyes, groaning. The sweet smell of spring air filtered through his nose and his heart took a sudden alarmed leap. Am I outside? (I'd put the last line in italics to show it's his thoughts, but there didn't seem to be a way to do that in the comments)Anyway, obviously that's just a quick suggestion to show what I meant. :)
Am I outside? That simply made no sense. And yet, that’s exactly what he knew to be true.--If you just show this as his thought and have him give a physical reaction of alarm/confusion that it feels like it would make this part stronger.
Every muscle and bone within him ached as though he had slammed against the damp ground beneath him. Dark clouds rolled overhead, shrouding the sky in gray. Sprawled within a patch of feathery meadow grasses agitated by the wind, Jake lifted himself and took in the scenery.
Since he's so sore, I'd have him struggle a little to lift himself to take in the scenery. I also might cut down the line about the feathery meadow grasses agitated by wind. It seems to be slowing down your pacing a bit to have so much description. It feels like this paragraph should be more about his confusion/aching body than about the scenery.
The dusk lit meadow was sprinkled with flowers and shrubs, surrounded by trees that scraped the clouds. I like this, and it covers the fact that he's in a meadow perfectly, without mentioning it above.
Glancing at the stormy ceiling, he noticed a pink glow shed by the rising moon and another, much smaller moon snuggled close to the horizon. Again, I might put some kind of physical reaction here. His stomach dropped, he sucked in a breath of the cool spring air--something. One thing was for sure, this was not Earth.
Suddenly, he remembered what happened at the museum. I agree with Jess up above. A couple lines in italics to show us what happened at the museum feels like it would work really well here.
“Are you lost?” asked a welcoming voice. As his heart slammed against his ribs, Jake twisted around and sprung to his feet. A man in his early thirties stood before him with an outstretched hand and yellow eyes that tore straight through Jake’s quivering body. LOVE this line!!!
He kept his defensive position a good five feet from the individual.
“I think so,” he said, touching his neck. The voice that came out of his mouth was not the one Jake was familiar with. It sounded older. Deep and intimidating.
Very cool and intriguing. I would definitely keep reading. I love otherworldly stories and the fact that his voice is now different makes me want to find out why. Like I said, I think you have a really cool story here, that just needs to show a bit more of his reactions, rather than just his thoughts. Good luck with this!! :)
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ReplyDeleteP.S. Could you possibly take a look at mine? I'm number 29, and I haven't gotten any comments yet. Thanks! :)
ReplyDeleteI really like the word 'dragonscat'!
ReplyDelete"There was nothing more annoying than a blinding sunbeam. Frankly, Jake was not fond of the sun, or anything about the outdoors. And the sweet clean stench of spring air was pounding an irrational thought through his mind. Am I outside? That simply made no sense. And yet, that’s exactly what he knew to be true."
I like a lot of your descriptions, but I think it might be good to tighten this first paragraph. For example, if you started with 'The sweet clean...' then follow with a consolidation of the thoughts of being outside (presumably there's a reason he thinks he can't be outside, so this piques my interest) it could move more quickly. The preceding sentences are straight up telling and I don't think they're as strong.
In para 2, I really like the first two sentences, but I think the second part slows it down. How about simply. 'Jake stood up', maybe couple with some other action tag (looking at the scenery doesn't work as well for me simply because there's been a lot of scenery so far - we know he's looking at it IYKWIM).
The description in para 3 is lovely, but I think we're getting into over-describing now. Could the first sentences perhaps work better elsewhere (the use of snuggled is gorgeous)? If you followed 'Jake stood up' directly with the bit saying this is not Earth, I'd be dragged in much more quickly. That line is compelling so I think it would be great to get to it ASAP.
'Suddenly, he...' is a little telling. Is there maybe another way to put this? I'd love to see a couple of thoughts showing us - some memories maybe, so we can piece it together with him.
The final two paragraphs are very good. I think overall, if you cut some of the description and telling, you've have a really, really strong opening here! Good job :)
Ooh, I love your query! You've got everything you need, including a great voice and some funny bits that made me giggle.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other commenters about your first 250. Just cut & tighten, and make sure you have some of that same great voice from the query. Sounds like a great story!
I think you have the makings of a very fun story here. I love how you describe you MC, i.e. that he's not a big fan of sunlight or the outdoors in general. It's a great contrast to him being thrown into a world of half-animals and carnivorous plants. :)
ReplyDeleteGreat job and best of luck!
I had to read this a few times, to be complete honest, in order to figure out my own thoughts. (Is this why some agents have a "maybe" pile? it should be!)
ReplyDeleteI think you may have trouble from a marketability aspect, since portal fantasies (which this is a riff on) are a very challenging sell, but after rereading your query again, I think it's very solid and incredibly well-done. Your last line, in particular, ties up both the plot and all of the language plays from earlier - it's lovely.
The opening struck me, at first, as a bit slow, and maybe a bit overly descriptive - you're getting a little too close to a "describe the weather" opener, which is generally frowned upon.
This is the kind of thing that's very tough to judge in 250 words, however, since everything could explode on the next page, for all I know.
That said, I'm intrigued and impressed enough with the query to give it a try. Great job!
Thanks so much for your comments, Rick! Very happy you enjoyed the query! And I am currently tinkering with the opening. But I promise it really does explode on the next page ;)
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