Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CAGI Entry #45


Title: STEALING THE SUN
Genre: NA Sci-Fi
Word Count: 80,000

Query:

Twenty-five-year-old Taro Takahashi has made a career out of running away. Using the quantum starships his father built he can leave whole universes behind, but the one thing he can't escape is his name. That's why Taro became the notorious pirate Trig: famous for his own reasons, or treasons as the case may be.

Now Trig's stolen the fastest ship in existence, the Rising Sun, but he still can't outrun his past. First, there's Ort—the scaly, six-armed, cannibal captain of the warship on Trig's tail—who's hungry for revenge (or maybe just for Trig). Then there's the Sun herself—an echo of Trig's late father's designs—sentient, stubborn, and not entirely convinced that she wants to be stolen.

From investigating a mysterious shipwreck in a far-flung fungal jungle to the final showdown with Ort aboard a forsaken space station, Trig's epic joyride becomes a race to save himself (and everyone else by proxy). If he wants to succeed he'll need to earn the Sun's favor. For that, he's got to stop running long enough to face his past. His biggest concern used to be escaping his father's shadow; now Trig would settle for escaping with his skin.

Firefly meets Hitchhiker's Guide in STEALING THE SUN: sci-fi action-adventure with comic undertones.

My short fiction has been published in the 2009 and 2011 editions of Understory at the University of Alaska, Anchorage, where I received a BA in English Literature. My creative nonfiction “Gunshots on Dogfish” placed first in a 2011 statewide writing competition and was published in F Magazine.

First 250:

Trig couldn’t believe what he wasn’t seeing.

A shockwave sent him swaying. He kept searching for the shift control; they wouldn't destroy the ship to keep it from being stolen. Another blast, closer; Trig fell. He'd lost his footing, and his certainty. Would they?

The Yamato-Musashi was an Imperial warship full of ravenous monsters, and Trig had just stolen their cargo. He'd stowed away among the Vaxaxian crew—no small feat for the most wanted man in the multiverse—and located the hold without being able to read a word of Vaxaxian.

That's where he found the Rising Sun: sole focus and responsibility of the warship and its bloodthirsty crew. A thing of beauty, he stole it from under their noses. Snouts. Face holes? Whatever. He powered up, released the dock clamps, started the sublights, all without incident.

Of course the hardest part was finding a button.

From his new vantage on the floor Trig stared at the panel above and blinked. Nothing changed. So much for quantum relativity. He opened his eyes on the same controls, flickering slightly with each blast. He relaxed his stare, gazed through the controls at the ceiling above, sighed.

At full ahead the sublights barely broke the gravity of the massive warship. The Yamato-Musashi only needed to stall him a few minutes longer. The slowest chase in history, on the fastest ship in existence.

Before standing, he felt beneath the seat. No shifter there.

Yep, Trig thought, he was pretty well nerfed.

16 comments:

  1. I liked the voice and loved some of the descriptions in the query (e.g. far-flung fungal jungle is great) but did find it a little confusing - I didn't get that Ort was the antagonist. I really like the idea of a sentient ship. It did give me strong Zaphod Beeblebrox vibe, where he steals the Heart of Gold.

    The opening is a little heavy on telling - I reckon you could make it much, much stronger by reworking a little. e.g.

    'couldn’t believe what he wasn’t seeing'
    'kept searching'
    'Trig had just stolen their cargo'
    'He'd stowed away'

    Just some examples. But... contrast with this:

    'At full ahead the sublights barely broke the gravity of the massive warship. The Yamato-Musashi only needed to stall him a few minutes longer. The slowest chase in history, on the fastest ship in existence.

    Before standing, he felt beneath the seat. No shifter there.

    Yep, Trig thought, he was pretty well nerfed.'

    If you started with this, I'd be so much more intrigued. There's more action, we see his thoughts, nerfed is quite funny - I like that.

    I think you've got a fantastic concept by the sounds of it, and if you tighten it a little by converting some of the telling to action. I'd love to find out about who these aliens are and find out why they're chasing him through action and dialogue, rather than being told straight up he's nicked their ship.

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  2. I agree a lot with the Jessica who commented before me. I really liked the sound of this query and I really wanted to get into the first 250, but they fell a little flat. Typically, I think it is because it lacks voice, but Trig's voice is amazing. I really like having a male MC once and a while :)I feel like what slowed your story down was the opening. While we know he is being shot at, we don't really care...yet. If you started with something along the lines of what Jess said (keeping the nerfed line because I LOVE it) and filtered in the backstory throughout the chase, you would have a stronger opening and a compelling first chapter. Good luck!

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  3. I need to get my hands on this book.

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  4. I enjoy what I have read so far. Wishing you the best- keep it up!!

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  5. Im loving the word nerfed, I would love to have this book it sounds crazy interesting ! Great job!

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  6. I've read a few first sci-fi/fantasy novels lately and this one, by far, sounds like the most fun. The first 250 is just a toe in the water of an 80,000 word book and it's easy to see that this is prepared to hit the ground running. I'm in.

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  7. This sounds really cool. I love the aspect of the Rising Sun as a character instead of just an inanimate object. The voice and tone of that relationship is the most intriguing to me. Fun is the key word I get from this, which is something I don't get a lot of in sci-fi these days. So often it takes itself too seriously. This feels like it would be a blast. Would love to read more.

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  8. I really want to finish reading this. Story caught me right away. Good job!

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  9. Sounds like a real fun read. But the telling in the first part didn't hook me. Once you got to Trig's voice though, I was back on board. I'd suggest start with that. Show us his peronality, his voice, so we care about him. Then onto the action.
    Best of luck

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  10. I like action and am interested in reading this. Good job and best of luck.

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  11. I've loved this query since TWV and would LOVE to actually read this book!

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  12. I LOVE that you compare this to Hitchhiker's Guide, because as I was reading that is exactly what I was thinking about! I really like the concept of the ship being sentient and not that keen on being stolen. And I really love the humor that comes through in your writing. i.e. Finding a button being the hardest part, etc. Haha!

    I agree with some of the comments regarding tightening it up a little bit. The third to last paragraph confused me a little bit. I got stuck on trying to figure out why it was the slowest chase in history, because the first sentence isn't that clear.(Could be my unfamiliarity with the terms though)

    Overall great job and good luck!

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  13. I think Jess Crockett, right out of the gate, had some great points on this one. Your voice seems light and intriguing, and turns of phrase like 'nerfed' and 'reasons, or treasons...' show that you have a command of language.

    I think there are issues with clarity, however, as we get deeper into the query - the second and third query paragraphs read like plot soup and don't draw clear distinctions between the story arc, WHAT Trig wants, WHO'S stopping him, and what happens if he doesn't get it.

    Simplify. Distill these two paragraphs to the essence of WHAT your story is about. Be specific. Phrases like "For that, he's got to stop running long enough to face his past" are empty and don't tell us anything about the story.

    Your opening page is intriguing but I'm concerned about the amount of telling vs. showing. It's a fine line to walk, especially in sf/f, and too much telling will not only turn off a reader, it puts a distance between your reader and your character that isn't necessary - or helpful.

    This paragraph, specifically, highlights my concerns well:

    The Yamato-Musashi was an Imperial warship full of ravenous monsters, and Trig had just stolen their cargo. He'd stowed away among the Vaxaxian crew—no small feat for the most wanted man in the multiverse—and located the hold without being able to read a word of Vaxaxian.

    I think there are better and more organic ways to convey this information to your reader.

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  14. Thanks for the feedback, Rick! Looks like I've got some work to do going forward, and your comments will give me some focus.

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