Title: SECRETS OF THE DEAD (AN ANYA CALLAHAN NOVEL)
Genre: MG
Word Count: 88,000
Anya Callahan has gone through something that a lot of teenagers
have to deal with. She lost her first love, the boy she is sure is her soul
mate. What makes this experience unique is that Anya loses Cam because he can’t
handle watching her be possessed by ghosts. Dedicated and devoted though he is,
watching Anya’s features shift and hearing someone else’s voice come out of her
mouth is enough to scare him away.
As she spends the next few years learning, both about herself
and her abilities, Anya never lets go of Cam. She does make a few discoveries
along the way however. Anya has always known that she could see and hear all
varieties of spirits but the fact that she can control them comes as a complete
surprise.
A grown and more confident young woman Anya starts to take
control of her own life. She finds a new job, new friends, new abilities and a
way to bring love back into her life. Conflict sets up road blocks in her path,
including a run in with a particularly fierce spirit that she has feared since
childhood and Anya wonders if she will be able to rise to the challenges that
are being presented.
First 250:
I am Anya Callahan. I’ve always liked my name, partially because
my part Cherokee great-grandmother got it from a vision before I was born and
partially because it’s pretty. My name is the only thing I really like about
myself though. I’m short and pale, with brown hair and blue eyes. I’ve heard
myself described as having almond shaped eyes that are the color of sapphires
and chestnut hair with glints of gold and skin that gleams like ivory, but the
man who said all that was a poet and I think he just got in the habit talking
like that. I doubt he believed what he was saying and I certainly don’t see it.
My sisters and my mother are the beautiful ones. I am just one of many, one
girl in a crowd, nothing to make me stand out. That has always been the way I
liked it best however. I’ve always been afraid that if people look too closely
at me they will be able to see my secret. I’ve spent most of my life hiding
this secret from friends and family…hiding it from everyone in fact. My secret
is one of those unbelievable things that you’ve watched movies about and read
stories about. I can see and hear the dead. Even saying it out loud sounds
slightly ludicrous and funny, but it’s very real and it has controlled most of
my life.
Actually to just say I talk to the dead isn’t the complete truth
of it.
Nice concept but I struggled a little bit with all the character description. e.g. maybe consider cutting all this:
ReplyDelete'I’m short and pale, with brown hair and blue eyes. I’ve heard myself described as having almond shaped eyes that are the color of sapphires and chestnut hair with glints of gold and skin that gleams like ivory, but the man who said all that was a poet and I think he just got in the habit talking like that. I doubt he believed what he was saying and I certainly don’t see it.'
It's nice, don't get me wrong, but just front it's just too much. Usually we don't need to know what a character looks like, or if we do, details are best revealed very slowly. At most, I think it's better to focus on a single detail at a time, broken up in between lots of other action/showing.
I think you've got a nice, distinct voice in your first 250. I have a good feel for how Anya feels about herself and her place in her family. And I really like her unique way of speaking. I do agree with Jess that you could cut some of the description without losing too much.
ReplyDeleteThe query confused me a little, mostly because I see your genre is MG. So I expected a character who's somewhere between 9 and 13. It starts out fine with a younger character, but then by the end it seems as if she's grown up? It would probably help to identify Anya's age in the query to clear up any confusion. :)
I'm loving the comments, thank you guys. I do think the description is too much...it's been bothering me. I believe in my excitement I mixed up my genre (I work 3rd shift so 10 am is the absolute middle of my night). It should be Paranormal Romance. Anya is 15 when the story begins but the bulk of it occurs in her late teens early 20s
ReplyDeleteParanormal Romance makes a lot more sense! I used to work an occasional 3rd shift at a former job, so I understand that whole middle of the day is the middle of the night feeling. :)
DeleteHi, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteI really like this concept -- not just the paranormal aspect, but the idea that Anya's abilities have cost her the boy she loves, and while she leads a fulfilling life on her own, she also doesn't give up.
However, if the bulk of the story takes place in her late teens and early adulthood, you might not want to spend a lot of time on her backstory -- it's enough to say that her abilities scare off her first love, and then discuss the meat of the story -- her goal/motivation/conflict. "Anya wants ____ because ___, but _______ happens and she must ______ in order to triumph." The trick is, you need to be clear about what those blanks are. "Conflict sets up roadblocks in her path" could apply to any novel. But "Defeating an evil spirit that has been stalking her since childhood is the only way to protect the boy she never gave up on" is much more specific and shows us exactly how high the stakes are. (I'm making that conflict up, obviously. You'd put the real one in.)
As for your 250, I think you might be starting your story in the wrong place. Rather than give us a lot of details about what she looks like and what her abilities are, why not show us Anya's abilities in action? It sounds like she's pretty good at what she does, so you can show us how the ghost-talking is supposed to work -- and that way, when your inciting incident occurs, we have a better idea of why things are so very wrong. It also allows you to sprinkle in those physical details and explanations about her abilities.
This is a great start -- good luck!
-- Erica
Thanks Erica! I will go back and look at it again. I've been editing for about a week now so my poor story doesn't know up from down. I think what you are saying makes sense...it would make the hook more dramatic and interesting. :) I am so glad to have been able to do this...I'd love to make it to the next round, but even if I don't I've gotten some really valuable advice that will help make my story better.
ReplyDelete