Monday, February 4, 2013

Bouncer Post #112


Title:  ROGUE HEALER
Genre:  YA Light Sci-Fi
Word Count:  80,000

Query:

High school senior Lexi Gardner is a lonely alien hidden in the donated body of a formerly suicidal human teenager. Humans accept the aliens as miraculous healers of everything but mental illness, but not as welcome neighbors here on Earth. For safety's sake, Lexi's mother has forbidden friendship with humans. But the years of secrecy and isolation hurt. So when Lexi starts spending time with human Garrett Donovan, she hides the truth from both sides.

Between studying, swimming and biking, she falls in love. Overwhelmed by alien hormones, reason capitulates to desire. Under cover of a kiss, she caresses Garrett's brain with her alien body, flooding her mind with his emotions...and is overrun by unexpected desolation.
 
In exchange for their own survival, Lexi's alien race advertises "peace at last" to suicidal humans. Fearful Garrett's life might be at stake, Lexi must choose between the impossible attempt to heal him and the necessity of guaranteeing enough body donors for her people. Suddenly, keeping secrets is more important than ever, but now it's from her own endangered species--a species vigilant enough to notice her betrayal.  And desperate enough to ensure it will never happen again.

First 250:

I knew it was rude to eavesdrop, but I'd gotten used to it. I had to get my information from somewhere.

On the way through the main doors, Trow had boasted about a surprise in class today. If I'd learned one thing since I'd arrived here, it was that advance knowledge made it easier to prepare an appropriate reaction.

"Bet Ben's going to flip," Trow said.

Beth's initial response was too quiet to catch. Praying they wouldn't notice, I reduced the distance between us to just under what was socially acceptable, but all I heard was a mumble. I slunk after them into Modern History class.

Trow's elbow almost grazed my face as he snagged Beth's sleeve and leaned toward her. Feigning preoccupation with my textbook, I hugged their backs, my ears wide open.

"You know Ben has major issues with Relatives, right?" he asked. "Well, Mrs. Knapp's going to introduce us to one."

Just inside the door, my amygdala went hyper, neurons fired, and adrenaline flushed throughout my human body. I stopped cold, and if I hadn't known better, I would have been sure my heart had stopped too. Someone behind me didn't notice me standing stupidly in the way and smacked into my back.

I whirled around. It was the new guy who'd been sitting at the rear of the classroom since last week.

"Sorry," I stammered, as my brain scrambled for composure.

Introduction to a Relative? That was impossible. Trow didn't mean me. He couldn't mean me.  

21 comments:

  1. This is a really cool premise but I think it's a little buried in your query. In my opinion, this should be your hook: In exchange for their own survival, Lexi's alien race advertises "peace at last" to suicidal humans. That's what grabbed me. That would be a great start to your query.

    Having said that, I'm concerned that your premise might be a little unbelievable. It's one thing for suicidal adults to donate their bodies, but I can't see it working the same for teens. I'm sure you've addressed this in the ms, but maybe a hint about how it works would be good in the query.

    I enjoyed your 250, but I think the first line could be stronger. Maybe consider having her state that humans think it's rude to eavesdrop and have her give her opinion on that. It would bolster the idea that she's "separate" from the other kids and could give a strong sense of her voice right from the start. Just a thought. :)

    Great cliffhanger! I'd keep reading. Good luck to you! :)

    #114

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    1. Thanks Abby, I'll definitely play around with switching the first sentence. You're right that the donation of bodies for teens is taken care of in the ms. (Donation by teens was outlawed right after she received her donor.) I'll look into hinting in the query so I don't scare anyone off.

      Wow, I love all this feedback! Thank you!

      Delete
  2. After reading your kissing scene, I sought this out and have to admit, I am more than intrigued. I like your writing style and want to know more.

    ***
    Just inside the door, my amygdala went hyper, neurons fired, and adrenaline flushed throughout my human body. I stopped cold, and if I hadn't known better, I would have been sure my heart had stopped too. Someone behind me didn't notice me standing stupidly in the way and smacked into my back. ***

    This segment reads awkward for me. I can't quite put my finger on why, but it does. I think it's the last sentence. I don't know if there's a phrase for it, but it's as if an external force is acting in place of the main character. So, maybe just be direct or have her turn in horror (because I believe she is horrified by the reference to the Relative and wants to escape) and plow into the chest behind her.

    I don't know if any of that makes any sense or helps at all, but there you go. I really like your premise here, your voice, and wish you the best of luck. If you ever want a CP or Beta, look me up. I'm #6 in BSD, and #40 in the kissing contest.

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  3. I agree that the suicidal humans line should be your hook. How does your MC feel about being in a donated body? And is Lexi's mother HER mother or the mother of the suicidal teen? That part seemed confusing. Good luck!
    #111

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  5. I agree with Abby's original suggestion about suicidal humans line being your hook. It's a really intriguing premise, and I too love the last line of the 250. I'd absolutely keep reading. Good luck!

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  6. I like how you opened the story with Lexi immediately worrying about the possibility of her identity being exposed, especially her physical response to it: "...my amygdala went hyper, neurons fired, and adrenaline flushed throughout my human body." They way you described this nicely highlights the fact that she's in a donor body that's still somewhat new to her. Interesting premise! Best of luck with the contest!

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  7. This reminds me a little of Stephenie Meyer's The Host (which I loved so I'm not saying that in a bad way!). I thought some of the wording was a little awkward, and "reason capitulates to desire" didn't really work for me (maybe "surrenders"). But overall I can tell you're a strong writer just from this short excerpt. :)
    Mara Rae #119

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  8. I love the premise and would definitely keep reading! In the last paragraph of the query, I kind of got stuck on 'Lexi must choose between the impossible attempt to heal him'. The word impossible made me think that she didn't really have a choice to make. I enjoy your style and I'm anxious to see how Lexi hides the truth from both sides.
    Michelle Heisel #113

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  9. I really enjoyed your first 250 and I think your premise is great. It makes me think of "V" and "The Host" a little, which is fantastic! I would definitely read more. :)

    #121

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  10. Thank you, everyone. Your feedback is amazing and I can't wait to start improving my query with it!

    In case anyone is interested, the only overlap with The Host is the fact that the aliens use human bodies, but the reason for doing so and the rest of the story are totally different. Oh, and of course, there's a love story. ;-)

    I'm utterly grateful for your encouraging words!
    Laura (BSD #112, Kiss #33)

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  11. I think this is an amazing concept. I would start where Abby suggested in the query letter because it's a great hook. Also, I would mention that her alien species is refered to as Relatives because that threw me in your first 250. It would have been helpful going in knowing that is what they are called. But I would definitely want to read more just based on your premise here.

    Best of luck to you!!!

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  12. Query:
    Woah. I read that first sentence three times – cool premise! My main questions are: is Lexi the alien? (which I think is yes…) and then what happened to the formerly suicidal teenager? I guess I’m a little confused about the body possession bit. It makes a bit more sense with the first sentence in the third paragraph, maybe move that up to the front? I really like that she’s torn between her own people and love, always a good dilemma (in books anyway). ☺

    First 250:
    I like the first couple of sentences. Definitely is enticing. There are a lot of names being thrown around, and while I’m sure I’d be able to figure it out if I kept reading, I had no idea who was who or what they looked like, etc. You do a great job of starting in an interesting place where we feel the stakes and get a sense of Lexi’s awkward position. Good luck!

    -Karie (#115)

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  13. I also think your query is a bit confusing, but other people have some great suggestions for fixing that up. The thing that turned me off was the line about alien hormones and her alien body caressing his brain...it brought some pretty horrible images to my mind, so I would strongly suggest you reword that. I also didn't get at first what you meant by how she is overrun by desolation. I couldn't tell if it was her feelings or his, or what. So maybe make it more clear that she does some sort of mind-link with him and discovers he is suicidal.

    I found your first 250 words interesting too, because we're immediately aware that something about this character isn't normal, which I loved. I do think there are a lot of names mentioned for the first 250 words (and Ben and Beth look so similar on a quick read that I'd suggest changing one of them), but overall this is a strong opening.

    YOU'RE IN!

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    1. Eeeeee! Just scared the heck out of my daughter with my squealing.

      Thank you, thank you, thank you! - for the bump to the next round and for the feedback.

      And thanks to everyone who made suggestions. And now, red pen at the ready (ok, it's really blue)....

      Laura

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  14. Hi! In case anyone happens to swing by and has time, I would love some feedback on a revised version of my query.
    -Laura

    REVISED QUERY
    In exchange for their own survival, Lexi's alien race advertises "peace at last" to suicidal humans. Lexi herself owes her life to a body donor and to the fact that Congress didn't outlaw donation by minors until just after she arrived.

    Humans accept the aliens as miraculous healers of everything but mental illness, but not as welcome neighbors here on Earth. That leaves Lexi a high school senior pretending to be like everyone else, with an alien foster mother who thinks forbidding friendship with humans will keep them all safe. But the years of secrecy and isolation hurt. So when Lexi starts spending time with human Garrett Donovan, she hides the truth from both sides.

    Between studying, swimming and biking, she falls in love. Eager to be close to Garrett, she links her thoughts to his and is overrun by depression deep within him. Fearful his life might be at stake, Lexi must choose between the attempt to heal him and the necessity of guaranteeing enough body donors for her people. Suddenly, keeping secrets is more important than ever, but now it's from her own endangered species--a species vigilant enough to notice her betrayal. And desperate enough to ensure it will never happen again.

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  15. Yey, Laura! Congrats on getting through to the next round (I did too! Wheeee!)

    A couple of quick thoughts on this query:

    I wasn't sure about "In exchange for their own survival" -- it feels sort of a weak way to open. and it's such a vital point to the story.

    I found the opening paragraph a bit confusing because it took me a while to realise that Lexi is an alien (I think it's the name that threw me because "Lexi" doesn't sound alien).

    I wondered why it was relevant to your query that Congress has now outlawed donation by minors?

    I think the issues you're raising are:

    (1) Lexi is an alien in a human body (actually, could you name the aliens? Because they're not alien to Lexi)
    (2) Lexi's alien people are frantic to keep helping people with suicides because otherwise humans will wipe them out (right?)
    (3) When Lexi falls in love with Garrett, any attempt to heal him will attack all that her alien people need for survival.

    Do you need to mention her alien foster mother? I'm not sure she adds to the query.

    It's a really interesting sounding story and I am being thick, but I hope that helps.

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  16. Hi Laura!

    I'm still slightly confused by your query, but it is heading the in right direction! If I'm not mistaken, your world build is that: this alien race came to Earth, offered "solutions to all your problems!"... except mental illness, which it sounds like they are withholding for the sole purpose of being able to use the bodies of people who decide to commit suicide? Am I wrong? Because otherwise, I don't get the significance of "everything but mental illnesses" and how Lexi can help her love interest with his depression. But if I'm right, that's a great central conflict, and I think you can set up that intrigue a bit better in your query. Essentially, your aliens are not all they seem, are withholding vital information, and Lexi's wavering may threaten her entire race.

    I think you need to open with the greater scope of your world build: Lexi is part of an alien race that has come to Earth and offered them the solutions to all their problems... except one. Explain why not mental illness. THEN you drop in that Lexi's race takes over the bodies of human beings who decide to kill themselves. There is something about the way you're currently saying that that bugs me: "In exchange for their own survival, Lexi's alien race advertises "peace at last" to suicidal humans."

    Because the thing is: the suicidal humans don't need aliens for "peace at last." If peace is death, they can kill themselves regardless. If your concept of peace at last is something different, I'm not getting it from the query. The aliens aren't actually offering them anything. It sounds like the race has made a bargain with human beings that they'll solve all their problems except for mental illness, in exchange for use of the bodies of people who happen to kill themselves.

    I actually like the original first line for your query. It tells me a lot about the MC immediately and makes me curious. I would follow it with a more clear picture of your set-up and the "rules" of your universe. Sorry for tl;dr and hope my comments help!

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  17. Congrats on making it to the next round! Hooray for YA sci-fi! ;) I'm falling asleep at my desk right now, but I'll stop by this weekend and try to give some help with your query. :)

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  18. I know I said you should start with the In exchange for their own survival line, but now that I see it as your opener, it's falling a little flat. I still think it can be a strong opener, but it needs some tweaking if you decide to use it.

    I really like Alexa's idea above for opening. But I think maybe keep your original opening line in one paragraph and then jump into the explanation for what her people are doing on earth in the next paragraph. Then tell about Garrett and the conflict he creates in her life.

    So something like this (I borrowed a line or two from Alexa's comment):

    High school senior Lexi Gardner is a lonely alien hidden in the donated body of a formerly suicidal human teenager.

    Her race has come to Earth and offered humans the solutions to all their problems... except one. A little bit here about why they don't let humans know they can cure mental illness and how it benefits them.

    But then she meets Garrett, falls in love, discovers he's depressed and wants to protect him, etc. State the conflict this creates and the consequences if her people find out she's protecting a human. (I really like the last line of both versions.)

    I don't know if that helps, and sorry it contradicts my earlier comment. :)

    You also might consider posting this on www.querytracker.net/forum to get some feedback. The people over there are awesome and they have helped me so much my query. It's completely different from my original version thanks to all the help I received there. If you do decide to post a new version over there, let me know and I'll take another look. Good luck to you. :)

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