Sunday, February 10, 2013

Bouncer Post #175


Title:  EDGE OF LIFE
Genre:  YA Magical Realism
Word Count:  71000

QUERY

Sixteen year old, Pippa Knightly, has low expectations of her new life after her mother's death, but after a freak accident she dreams of a mysterious, stunningly attractive boy, Joshua, and on awakening, is disturbed to find the dreams and reality merging in a way that makes her question her own sanity.  Particularly when she reads in a newspaper archive that he was murdered alongside his family two years ago, by his father.  Drawn inexorably to him, Pippa slowly begins to learn the truth about Joshua, and the danger them being together brings to them both.  Most girls, at this point, would run a mile, but Pippa isn't most girls. Instead, she realises that murder doesn't necessarily mean you're dead, and throws herself into hunting for Joshua's real killer, to clear his fathers name.  However, being with Joshua and hunting killers come at a price, one she has to decide if she is prepared to pay.

250 WORDS

The distance between me and the ground was about five feet I guess. Okay, I’d fallen further than that in the past and survived.  Admittedly, on previous tumbles I hadn’t had four stomping hooves to avoid.

‘You nervous?’ I heard Ben call.

I turned to look at him as he sauntered across the yard, his ruffled golden hair flopping into his face over his sky blue eyes.  A girl looked over a rustic stable door, admiring his muscles as they bulged through his tight fitting grey top.  It was hard to believe he was related to me.

‘No,’ I replied, trying to sound defiant.  Why people around here considered this was fun was beyond me?  Horses have their own minds, or did people not realise that? 

‘I’ll look after you,’ he said, smiling.  He squeezed my hand.

‘It’s supposed to be me looking after you.  I’m the older one, remember?’

‘Age is just a number,’ he replied.

Despite his reassurances the churning knots in my stomach were getting tighter.  Thank God I hadn’t had any breakfast this morning, otherwise it would definitely be making a second appearance.

‘It could be worse,’ he said.  ‘It could’ve been raining.’ 

I looked up at the sky.  It was cloudy as per usual.  Typical British weather.  Something I still wasn’t used to.

‘Hurry up, Ben,’ Dad called.  He was waiting with the rest of the group.  ‘You’re holding us all up.’

‘Smile,’ Ben instructed as he jogged back across the muddy concrete and effortlessly leapt onto his horse. 

12 comments:

  1. Great voice in 250 words. Love it. Not too sure if your query is strong enough.

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    1. Thanks. Was worried the query wasn't its best. Will put some more work in on it.

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  2. I rather liked the query -- though I know it's not the conventional three paragraph structure.

    I didn't understand this, though: "...she realises that murder doesn't necessarily mean you're dead"

    because it seems like Joshua *is* dead if he has been killed. Maybe a little hint of what he's become would help to clarify that (and you have space in the query).

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    1. Thanks for this. It's really useful. Will change accordingly. Really grateful for your feedback.

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  3. I found the query a little hard to follow, and I found the first sentence very long, and would have liked a break in there. Your voice is very good, and I very much enjoyed the first 250 words. #171

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  4. Thanks. Really appreciate feedback. I agree re the query, needs work. Love the fact you think it's got a strong voice. Big confidence boost.

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  5. Really adore your first 250. Your MC has such a great voice, and I'm already connected to the characters as well as curious to know why she's needing to 'smile' etc.

    The query was a little difficult to follow. I agree with others who've commented that it might be great to break it up into a couple paragraphs for readability. I'd also maybe make it a touch more specific if possible. What sort of price is she going to have to pay to find the killers? #146

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    1. Thank you so much. Really glad you liked it. It a big confidence boost to think that someone else likes my characters as much as me!

      Re the query. I'm starting to rework it and prob going to bid on query critique in auction to see if I can make it any better.

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  6. Interesting concept! I might leave out the bit about her mother's death, leave the focus on her and Joshua. The point of the query is just to get the agent to read your pages, so they don't have to know everything that happens in the story right away. Otherwise, I second all the previous advice. Good luck! #162

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    1. Thanks - will take it out inthe query rewrite.

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  7. Loving the plot. On the query, agree with others and you could remove "Most girls, at this point, would run a mile, but Pippa isn't most girls. Instead, she realizes that murder doesn't necessarily mean you're dead," and just leave "Pippa throws herself into hunting for Joshua's real killer, to clear his fathers name." That's intriguing.
    #141

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    1. Thanks for your feedback. I did wonder about the Pippa isn't most girls". Will prob take out in the rewrite.

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