Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CAGI Entry #16


Title:  THE CHILDREN OF THE NEPHILIM
Genre:  YA science fiction
Word Count: 63,000 

Sixteen-year old Paxton Mills freaking hates living in space.  The station is freezing cold, her berth is barely bigger than a port-a-potty, and her fear of heights doesn’t lend itself to a comfortable intergalactic experience.  She’s one of several hundred teenagers saved from the fires that ravaged Earth.  Handpicked for their ability to acclimate to celestial living, they were taken to ensure humanity’s survival.  However, Paxton isn’t grateful to her rescuers for whisking her into space and educating her in hydroponics and uniform maintenance.  Why should she give a damn about hanging squash or pride herself on having a wrinkle-free jumper when she's haunted by memories of her loved ones being left behind to burn to death?

But her days of moping around end when she realizes her teachers aren’t humans, but aliens known as the Nephilim.  Knowing she needs evidence of her discovery to convince the other students, Paxton breaks into the forbidden Red Block and finds curled and crusty teens barely clinging to life.  That's when she learns she and the other kids were never taken to ensure humanity’s survival.  They were taken to ensure the survival of the Nephilim.  Years of genetic manipulation has left the aliens infertile and their only hope of survival is to reclaim their own alien DNA in its unaltered state from a visit to Earth thousands of years before. That cosmic calling card swirls inside the veins of each of the taken teens. 

To complicate matters even more, Paxton has to come to terms with the lingering love she has for her murdered boyfriend, Mo, and with the reluctant attraction she feels for the irritatingly perfect hybrid, Kendal.

I’ve been an active member of the Society of Children Book Writers and Illustrators since 2009 and am the group leader for the SCBWI local chapter critique group.

First 250:

“Paxton, what are you doing?”

I didn’t have to look up to know Mo had entered my compartment.  Although his voice had deepened in the two years I’d known him, only he still called me by the unusual girl name my mother chose.  It didn’t surprise me that he showed up.  Mo had been my best friend since we boarded, and I knew he’d only excuse my absence for a few days before coming for me.  Anticipating his arrival, I left the slider to my berth open.

I sighed loudly and rolled over onto my back, the book still in front of me. “Hmm?”  

“Are you really reading that one again?”

I glanced over in time to see his slight smile.  I reluctantly closed the tattered volume.

Mo snatched the worn copy of Jules Verne’s Journey to the Center of the Earth from me. “I’ll never understand how you can read the same thing over and over.”  He tossed it onto the makeshift desk that canopied my bed.  “You know, you may want to take that back to the repository some day.”

I resisted sticking my tongue out at him.  I finally managed a tight-lipped smile instead.  This particular novel had become a favorite.  The thought of an underground world, another dimension people could have escaped to before the earthquake swarms released the fires on Earth…  So what if there were killer plants and meat-eating dinosaurs?  Professor Von Hardwigg made it out alive, didn’t he?  

16 comments:

  1. The voice in this sucked me right in. Love the concept and the writing! Good luck!

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  2. Yes, I agree with the above. Love the voice, very authentic. After reading the query, then hearing this protagonist's voice in the first 250, I'd love to read more. Nice job!

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  3. I loved the voice in this one, great job!

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  4. Love this! I totally get the world-building just from this selection! Great job!

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  5. I love sci-fi and your concept sounds really intriguing. Plus the voice in this query is great! I instantly want to read more about this character and her world.

    But I think your pitch might give a bit TOO much info. For example, in the 2nd paragraph I think you might consider cutting everything after "They were taken to ensure the survival of the Nephilim." That gives us just enough to make us desperate to read the book and find out why the Nephilim need them.

    Paxton also gets a bit lost in the 2nd paragraph in the discussion of the Nephilim's plans. She discovers these guys are aliens, but then what? What choice does she have to make? What happens if she fails?

    Also, the part about the love triangle at the end seems a bit tacked on and unnecessary. Is there any way to include the romance somewhere else in the query?

    The first 250 words are good, but I think you might be starting in the wrong place. Instead of focusing on her backstory with Mo and describing what happens in the book she's reading, try to immerse us in her world. Show us the ship she hates, the problems she faces, and all those interesting things you mention in your query. There's so much great voice and detail in your query, I'd love to see more of that in your opening 250 words too.

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    1. Thanks so much you guys! :) Elizabeth -- I really appreciate the depth of your critique -- AWESOME! I've started Paxton's story in so many different places, I think my head may spin so your guidance and suggestions really mean a lot to me. And of course -- same applies to the query. I love having fresh eyes on it. Thanks again, I'm anxious to make those changes.

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    2. I'm glad it was helpful! Openings are so tough - the first chapter is the one I always end up rewriting the most. But you have a great voice and an interesting concept, I know your opening can be amazing.

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  6. I think your query is *almost* there. The first line is excellent. The second I like but it can be omitted and you still get all the information needed. "Hanging squash" tripped me up -- is she literally harvesting squash? I think you have all the right elements here, just a few too many. I think you can lose some of it but still maintain the voice. The next paragraph focuses quite a bit on the world set up, which would be fine, except that last snippet mentions a murdered boyfriend and new love interest. This feels like where more of the conflict lies and it should be pulled into the larger stakes of the book.

    Maybe see how other sci-fi and fantasy queries look; a delicate balance of world set-up and story arc is needed, but it's tricky! I think you have a great start. I liked the 250 and I can tell you've probably worked it through your critique group :)

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  7. I love Paxton's voice - it's identifiable right away! You can tell she's got spunk, which it sounds like she will definitely need.

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  8. Wow - great intro! I feel like the detail of the book she reads and rereads shows how desperately she's trying to hang on to hope. That makes me like her for her tenacity and want to read more to see how she deals with this tough life.
    Christy K.

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  9. Here's another go at my query using the feedback so kindly provided. :) Thanks again!


    Sixteen-year old Paxton Mills freaking hates living in space. The station is freezing cold, her berth is barely bigger than a port-a-potty and her fear of heights doesn’t lend itself to a comfortable intergalactic experience. She’s one of several hundred teenagers saved from the fires that ravaged Earth. Handpicked for their ability to acclimate to celestial living, they were taken to ensure humanity’s survival. However, Paxton isn’t grateful to her rescuers for whisking her into space and educating her in hydroponics and uniform maintenance. Why should she give a damn about hanging squash or pride herself on having a wrinkle-free jumper, when she's haunted by memories of her loved ones being left behind to burn to death?

    But her days of sulking end when she realizes her teachers aren’t humans, but aliens called the Nephilim. Knowing she needs proof, Paxton breaks into the forbidden Red Block and finds curled and crusty teens barely clinging to life. That's when she discovers she and the other kids were never taken to ensure humanity’s survival. They were taken to ensure the survival of the Nephilim.

    Unwilling to end up resembling an oversized fetus, Paxton rallies her friends so together they can find an escape. As they unravel the mystery of the station and their captors, Paxton’s boyfriend is murdered. If Paxton wants to save her friends from this same fate, she must trust an annoyingly perfect hybrid named Kendal and accept that good and evil doesn’t always run skin deep.

    THE CHILDREN OF THE NEPHILIM is complete at approximately 63,000 words. I’ve been an active member of the Society of Children Book Writers and Illustrators since 2009 and am the group leader for the SCBWI local critique group.

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    1. The stakes are much more clear in this one. Yay!

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    2. Thanks to great feedback!! Thanks again, Elizabeth, for your guidance and kindness. :)

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  11. Oops -- ....good and evil DON'T always run skin deep, not doesn't. EEKS.

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  12. I fell in love with Paxton right away. She immediately felt very real to me. I think the voice was strong and the first 250 left me wanting more.

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