Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CAGI Entry #17

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 85,000


Friday Anderson’s life is over. She just doesn’t know it yet.

Ever since she survived the accident that killed her mother, seventeen-year-old Friday has felt stuck. She’s lost her only parent, she’s living in a town where dreams go to die, and even her hair and nails have stopped growing. Her only hope for getting out is earning enough money for college tuition, so when a mysterious ad appears in the local paper for a job assisting a rock band, Friday jumps at the opportunity.

Spending time with the gorgeous guitarist, Craig, certainly beats baling hay, but there’s something odd about the four young musicians, who spend most of their time bickering while their instruments gather dust. When Friday overhears a hushed conversation behind closed doors, she finally learns the truth: the band members are Athanatos, immortals trapped somewhere between life and death. Not only is Friday one of them, she’s the only immortal capable of killing another, and it’s up to the others to keep Friday from becoming a deadly weapon in the world’s oldest blood feud. Between magic rings, ancient curses, and the fact that Friday’s going to have to live with the same haircut for the rest of her life, it’s definitely going to take some time getting used to this whole “undead” thing.

Forever should just about do it.

First 250:

Un milagro, they called me. A miracle. I heard the nurses whisper it to each other as they passed my hospital room. I saw it on the news for three days before my story was overshadowed by celebrity gossip and political scandals. And it was the first thing the Chilean doctor said to me when my scan results came back normal.

But I didn’t believe in miracles.

“Good morning, señorita,” the nurse said as she pulled back the curtains. “You are going home today, no?”
I nodded, even though I wasn’t sure what “home” meant anymore.

Muy bien. The doctor will be in to release you soon.”
It had already been a week since the accident, but I still felt like if I tried hard enough I could wake myself up from this nightmare. Surely the real me was sitting in a café in Paris, the place I’d dreamed of going since I was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor over a year ago. But instead of sending Mom and me to France, the wish foundation had called six weeks ago to tell me I’d been granted an all-expenses-paid vacation to Chile. Chile.

My mom said it must have been some kind of computer mix-up, or maybe a trip to Chile had just been more affordable than Paris, and that I shouldn’t complain about a free vacation. But it was literally my dying wish. You’d think they could at least get the country right.


  1. Love your MC's name! I liked the voice here - I'd read on :)

  2. I very much like the voice as well, especially the part where she repeats Chile. :)

  3. I like your opening lines. They have me asking questions. Thanks.

  4. Wow. I really love this. One of my favorite ones I've read on here. I found you on GUTGAA and visited your blog--but I haven't checked out the whole critique/beta reader page yet. Are you on there? Would you happen to be looking for a beta reader for this? I really like the voice and urban fantasy is write up my alley. I'd love to find out what happens to Friday. (Great name btw)

    I'm entry 29 if you want to check it out and let me know about the beta reader thing. Thanks!

  5. This is an interesting premise, and I love anything with teenage rock bands. Your voice is great too, although the first paragraph made me wonder if this was a contemporary (I had to glance back up at the genre). I was intrigued by the nails/hair not growing, but I wonder if you could use something a bit more obvious to foreshadow her new immortal state? Maybe mention the miracle in the opening pages?

    In the 2nd paragraph I would suggest cutting the bit about magic rings and ancient curses, because it starts to sound like a list of paranormal elements. I'm more intrigued by the undead/immortal state and what this blood feud is. I'm also concerned that lines like "it’s up to the others..." makes Friday seem like she isn't the one driving the book forward. I'd like to know more of what her conflict is, what choice she has to make, and what happens if she fails.

    In your opening 250 I really like the character's voice, and I'm intrigued about the miracle. Paranormal/urban fantasy is a tough genre right now but I think with a few tweaks to the query, combined with your strong opening, this will really stand out!

  6. Thanks everyone for the comments! Elizabeth, your notes are spot on and I really appreciate the feedback :)