Title: OF FIRE AND SHADOW
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Word Count: 63,000
Query:
The day after
her mother dies, shadows begin stalking sixteen-year-old Talitha Martin.
To start over and be safe, all she needs to do is hide her biggest secret:
that her body randomly turns into smoke.
Except
secrets, like smoke, are impossible to contain. When emotional stress causes
Talitha to shift, her new neighbour Caspar sees. Except instead of running
away—or exposing her secret—Caspar is intrigued. His stubborn friendship,
however, is tested when the shadows attack Caspar and Talitha, and they’re
saved not by her smoke, but by two beings forged from flame, the Ascended.
The Ascended
came down to Earth to find the vessel—a human who carries one of
their essences, their key for survival. For if the Ascended fall so does
humanity. Though not the vessel, Talitha’s power enables her to find and
protect this person. The Ascended promise to help her control the smoke,
but only if she agrees to help. And, of course, she does.
But when the
shadows mark Caspar to die when the vessel does, Talitha knows time
is running out. She must harness her powers fast or the shadows win.
Either way, her dreams of a normal life just went up in smoke.
First 250:
My mother died a week ago because of me. Smoke inhalation, the
coroner’s report said.
The problem: there was no fire.
The cause: the freakish mutation that's plagued me for three
years. Not that I could admit it, unless I wanted to become a science
experiment, or thrown in jail. As I leaned against the rough brick wall,
something caught my eye.
The shadows across the road were oddly darker than the midday
sun warranted, as if they had swallowed the very ground. Goosebumps prickled
down my neck.
I stepped away from the wall, drawn by the shadows, which was a
good move considering the wall had etched a pattern into my skin.
Something, or someone, stood in the shadows across the street. I
squinted, trying to overcome the glare of sunlight, to make out what stood
before the towering office buildings. The figure swayed like branches caught in
a breeze. My eyebrows furrowed as I stepped into the gutter, ignoring the cars
blurring past. The shadows writhed and crept towards the buildings, the figure
moving in their safety.
“Talitha?” I spun and faced my grandma’s inquiring face. She’d
finished inside the lawyer’s office—finished with the aftermath of my own
design. I swallowed hard and glanced back at the shadowed trees and sidewalk.
They were normal once more.
“Everything sorted?” I asked, and shook my head to clear it. It
wasn’t the first time I’d seen the writhing shadows.
She squinted at me through her round glasses. “Yes.”
Nice work - you've got an intriguing premise. I actually thought you were talking about cigarette smoking at first for some reason.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a unique premise and it instantly caught my eye. Your query starts really strong too, but you begin to lose me in paragraph 3 when you talk about the Ascended and their purpose. Could you condense that a bit, maybe?
ReplyDeleteI'm also confused by this sentence: "But when the shadows mark Caspar to die when the vessel does..." Wait, how do they mark someone to die? What does that have to do with the vessel? You mention the shadows in the opening sentence but I'm never really sure what they are, or how they're connected to the Ascended or Talitha's powers. You may want to simplify or clarify a bit.
Your opening pages are really intriguing, but also feel somewhat disjointed to me. You start with her mother's death and the bit about her powers, and then she sees the shadows, but it doesn't flow between the first bit to the second. Perhaps start with her seeing the shadows, and then mention her mom's death (and the cause of it) later in the scene. This would also start with the character in the moment, instead of starting with backstory/telling. But overall, you have a really interesting concept that will stand out among paranormal/urban fantasy queries!
I love the line "Except secrets, like smoke, are impossible to contain." I was with you for the first two paragraphs of the query, but I got confused in paragraph three. I don't understand what the Ascended want or who the 'vessel' is. As for the first 250, I'd suggest cutting the first few lines and starting in the scene. The writing is good, but it feels like a lot of telling right off the bat, and I wonder if you could save those lines for after you ground the reader in a scene where something more is happening.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys.
ReplyDelete@Elizabeth and Shannon, regarding the order of my first 250 words, is something I've lamented about myself. Originally those initial three lines were after Grandma coming out of the lawyer office, but at WriteOnCon all the feedback told me to have it is now to give more impact and provide a more grabby opening line. In fact, it started with "The shadows across the road were oddly darker than the midday sun warranted, as if they had swallowed the very ground."
I'm taking another look in the third paragraph of the query to help with clarification. Thanks heaps, every little bit helps.
Ack, it's so hard when you get conflicting feedback isn't it? I would say, trust your gut since it's ultimately your book, and if you do want to stick with the current 250, maybe add some sort of transition before the line: "As I leaned against the rough brick wall, something caught my eye." That's the moment that kinda threw me. Hope that makes sense. :)
DeleteGreat, thanks for pinpointing the moment. I'll play around with it and see what I like best. :)
DeleteI really love the way your query starts, and I think your excerpt is excellent. I would suggest that in the query you remove one of the "excepts" that start the first and third sentences of the second paragraph. The last line is awesome :)
ReplyDeleteLet me know if this is an improvement:
ReplyDeleteQUERY:
The day after her mother dies, shadows start stalking sixteen-year-old Talitha Martin. To start over and be safe, she must hide her biggest secret: that her body keeps turning into smoke.
Except secrets, like smoke, are impossible to contain. When emotional stress causes Talitha to shift, it’s witnessed by her new neighbour Caspar. However, instead of running away—or exposing her secret—Caspar is intrigued. His stubborn friendship is unshakable even when the shadows attack Caspar and Talitha. They’re saved not by her smoke, but by two beings forged from flame: the Ascended.
The Ascended came down to Earth to find the vessel—a reincarnated Ascended who can help them in the war against the shadows. Since Talitha’s power enables her to find and protect this human vessel, the Ascended promise to help her learn to control it, but only if she agrees to help. When Caspar’s life is linked to that of the vessel, she can’t back out of the agreement.
Now, Talitha must harness her powers fast or let the shadows win. Either way, her dreams of a normal life just went up in smoke.
NEW 250:
My mother died a week ago because of me. Smoke inhalation, the coroner’s report said.
The problem: there was no fire.
I glanced up from my shoes. No one bothered to glance at me as I leant against the lawyer office's building. Not a single person expected me to be my mother's murderer. But I was. The freakish mutation that's plagued me for three years did it. Not that I could admit it, unless I wanted to become a science experiment, or thrown in jail.
Something caught my eye, and distracted my thoughts. The shadows across the road were oddly darker than the midday sun warranted, as if they had swallowed the very ground. Goosebumps prickled down my neck.
I stepped away from the wall, intrigued by the shadows, which was a good move considering the wall had etched a pattern into my skin.
Something, or someone, stood in the shadows across the street. I squinted, trying to overcome the glare of sunlight, to make out what stood before the towering office buildings. The figure swayed like branches caught in a breeze. I stepped into the gutter, ignoring the cars blurring past. The shadows writhed and crept towards the buildings, the figure moving in their safety.
“Talitha?” I spun and faced my grandma’s inquiring face. She’d finished with the lawyer—finished with the aftermath of my own design. I swallowed hard and glanced back at the shadowed trees and sidewalk. They were normal once more.