Title:
STITCHES OF TRUTH
Genre:
Young Adult Contemporary Romance
Word
Count: 67,000 words
Query:
Being
confronted by her three boyfriends is the last thing Dena Krester expects on
her seventeenth birthday.
Truth is,
she used to be friendless. Uprooted almost yearly by career-obsessed parents,
she was shy and introverted, and she spent all of her time making art quilts,
dreaming of the Art of the Nation Scholarship, and hanging out with her nanny.
So when three boys from different cities befriend her, Dena is over the moon
with all of the attention, until the boys want more.
Dena can’t
bear the thought of anyone being upset with her, so she doesn't say no. Fearing
rejection, she weaves a web of lies to keep these relationships secret, but her
tireless effort of keeping everyone happy eclipses all her priorities,
including her artistic dreams. When her parents decide to split, and she falls
in love with one of the boys, her guilty conscience rips her carefully crafted
plans apart at the seams. And when the boys finally discover the truth, she
realizes that this time, her penchant for stitching things back together might
not fix the mess she’s made. She risks losing everything—her only friends, her
first love, and her art—unless she finds a way to thread the strands of her
life back together.
First 250:
“Ready for
your surprise?” Keith asks from across the table, his grey-blue eyes
expressionless.
I hesitate,
searching his poker face for the right answer. I force a smile as the anxiety
brewing in my belly slithers up and squeezes my vocal chords. I clear my throat
and will a steady voice. “Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything.”
His lips
press into a thin line and he goes mute once again. He palms his coffee cup with
both hands, and in his silence, I reach for another napkin from the dispenser
and tear it into pieces. I add it to my growing pile, almost a mountain from
our half hour of not talking.
Today is
supposed to be my day, my seventeenth birthday. I’m in the most beautiful café
in the City with my gorgeous boyfriend waiting for some epic present to come
through the door.
But I can’t
enjoy it, not the way I should be. Because life with Keith isn’t so simple, and
today just feels wrong. The sun’s rays beating through the stained glass
windows are uncomfortably hot on my temples; the boy band coming through the
surround sound is annoying at best. And with Keith so sketchy, I can’t help but
think—oh God no,please—that it’s because of me.
I hear
frantic beeps and look up to find that it’s Keith texting. He’s such a stickler
for date-time etiquette—now I know something is wrong.
Nice work :) In terms of critique, one thing you might be able to do if you like is swap the first and second halves of your 250 around. Not sure about others but I often struggle to get into a story if it starts with dialogue right off the bat. If you mixed up the structure, and started with us getting to know your character just a little, it might work better. Good work though!
ReplyDeleteHi Jess, thanks for your input! I'll definitely re-look!
DeleteAlthough I do kind of like the surprise element of the dialogue, I kind of agree with Jess. I'd maybe start the last sentence and strengthen it. Frantic beeps emerge from beneath the table. WTF? Keith's texting? He's a stickler for date etiquette. Uh oh. Something's up.
ReplyDeleteI like what you have written. I'd just rearrange it. Good story.
Thanks Carey!
DeleteI actually liked the first 250. I'm wondering why she's on a date with someone she doesn't seem to have much to say to. I'd definitely keep reading to find out.
ReplyDeleteThe query confused me a bit though. Three boyfriends in three different cities instantly implied internet relationships to me. That didn't seem very hard to juggle, unless she's visiting all of them on a regular basis.However, three different cities made it seem like that wouldn't be possible. I'd like to know how often she's seeing each of these different guys--and how long she's been dating them. I think those couple extra details would really strengthen the query.
Cool premise though. I'm a sucker for romance so I'd definitely keep reading. :) Mine is number 29 if you want to check it out. Good luck!
Hi Tamara! Thanks for your input! The cities are very close to one another, but just far enough away for teens. I'll head over to yours in a bit. :)
DeleteI LOVE your hook! (I had to read it twice before I got it, but I think it's great.) Your query works for me, although a few of the sentences seem a bit disjointed (can you combine #2 and #3 somehow?) I think you're giving a little too much away in the query, though, it makes me want to say "stop, stop, I want to read the book to find out what happens!" Just focus on the hurdles and stakes, and it will make it stronger. Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks Cheryl! I'll definitely look into your suggestions! I appreciate you taking the time!
DeleteI remember this from WriteOnCon, and really like the premise. Your query is already really tight, but I wonder if you could give us a little more info about the three boys, or maybe just the one boy she really loves - what is it about him that she can't lose? I don't think you need to mention the parents splitting up - it's kinda distracting in the query (although I'm sure it works in the book). You also mention she might lose her friends, but they aren't really mentioned anywhere else (or are these boys her only friends)? It might work better to focus more on the romance (specifically, the one guy she can't lose) and possibly losing her art scholarship in terms of the stakes.
ReplyDeleteYour first 250 words are definitely interesting, and give us a nice sense of her anxiety and tension. I'm also not a fan of starting with dialogue - I prefer opening lines that show the main character, the setting, and a hint of conflict (which I know is a tall order). But consider the two sentences when she grabs a napkin and shreds it - we instantly know a bit about the character, the setting, and the fact that she's upset. That bit, followed by the info about her birthday, might be a better place to start, and then you can have the dialogue and all that great tension.
As usual Elizabeth, such great feedback...THANK YOU! I'll definitely be reworking with your suggestions in mind. I definitely want to hone this down and tighten this up even more. After reading everyone's suggestions, I've already got some ideas!
DeleteGlad I could help!
DeleteAlthough I like how you've worked the stitching and seams descriptions into the query but I'm thinking some of it could be replaced with more specifics about the stakes and the conflict, as was already mentioned. I like that last line of the query, that shows the quilt/art theme well, but maybe consider retooling some of the middle section to show what's at stake for her. Overall, I think it's strong, and I'm curious what the agent will say!
ReplyDeleteThank you Steph! I appreciate your feedback!
Delete