Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CAGI Entry #29


Title: THE WORLD NEXT DOOR
Genre: YA 
Word Count: 95,000

Query:

Luc’s childhood is destroyed the night his best friend, Auri, falls through a rip in the fabric of Trillua and disappears into a parallel world—our world. Luc soon Luc soon discovers he’s still connected to Auri through his dreams. In them, he watches her grow from a lost, lonely child into a beautiful sixteen year old girl who doesn’t trust anyone. When he leaders of Trillua discover a way to travel to Earth, Luc risks banishment from the home and family he loves to hijack a spot on their mission and rescue Auri. But Auri doesn’t remember Luc or Trillua. She’s built a new life for herself—one that includes a baby foster brother and sister she’s determined to take care of.

Luc has one month before the Portal back home closes again. One month to convince Auri she belongs with him. But, as the clock ticks down, the leaders of Trillua discover that Luc’s proximity to Auri has somehow made him faster, stronger and almost invulnerable to pain or injury. Luc’s unheard of powers are too much like magic—something punishable by death in his world. The leaders demand he immediately Portal home to be examined as a potential danger to Trillua. Forcing Auri to travel before she accepts the truth of her forgotten past could destroy her mind, but the leaders have threatened to exile Luc’s family into the treacherous Outerlands if he doesn’t return. Now Luc must choose. Abandon the girl he was born to love, or save the family who’s depending on him for their survival.

I’ve written twenty-five articles for the local paper (the GA Harbor Sound) and been published in Woman’s World Magazine

First 250:                                                                                                 

The sun creeps over the mountains, turning the windows to red fire that match the searing burn in my chest. Auri’s face dances behind my eyes. Ivory skin. Eyes neither blue nor green, but a mix of both, as if the heavens swirled emeralds and sapphires together to create them. Hair with every shade of red and gold, like the sun is rising in each strand…sun…rising...

I rub my hand over my heart and blink a few times. Outside the window, the ThriceMoon has been replaced by the glare of the rising sun. I bolt upright from the hard floor and whisper as loudly as I can, “Sin! Sin! Wake up!”  I wave my hand, as if I can physically brush away the ashy emotion-trails surrounding me.

On his bed, Sin jerks as his eyes fly open. “I wasn’t with that girl.”

I snap my fingers in front of his face. “Sin! It’s Luc! I cannot believe we were witless enough to fall asleep. My father and Emelina will banish me if they realize I stayed out all night. Emelina warned me a million times to be rested for my Test today.”

My voice comes out choppy and breathless as I press both hands against my heart. The pain of missing Auri is always worse after dreaming of her all night. I try to take shallow breaths, struggling against the urge to curl up in a ball until it dies down. The grey trails of pain and fear floating around me intensify.

31 comments:

  1. I love this premise - the idea of two best friends being connected by dreams in different worlds is fascinating.

    You have some great nuggets in your first 250 that make me immediately curious - the Thricemoon, the "ashy emotion trails". Great job of building intrigue right at the start - I want to read more!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hey, Tamara! Ok, remember that everything I say is my opinion, and can easily be wrong, ok?

    I think your query might be suffering from TMI syndrome - which is SO easy to do. There's just a lot going on. I think if you can trim back the details, you'll do a lot better. As is, the overwhelm of detail makes it a little hard to read, which is a shame, because it sounds like a really interesting concept!

    The dialogue in your 250 is a little sticky - too much name use, and the descriptions feel a little over the top. Again though, that's just my opinion.

    I hope that helps. This writing thing we do is so hard, and there's so much to always be looking out for and remembering. Good luck, and hang in there!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I really like the premise of this. I love that even though Luc and Auri are separated he is still connected to her in dreams and is watching her grow. Fascinating. The only thing that tripped me up in the query was when you mentioned magic and being punishable by death. Why? While I actually fully understand the story after reading the query, it could probably be tightened.

    I liked the first 250. I've read not to open in a dream, but it worked fine for me b/c it wasn't a dream where the reader is led on or anything and it is part of the premise. See what others think. I'm curious about what the test is and how it fits in. Just based on the query I want to read on and see where the story goes. You are on to something good. Good luck!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Tamara!

    i really, really like this concept! It is unique, and definitely intriguing. I think you have all the details you need in your query, if not a little bit too much. I think you could easily cut out some parts, and it would be just as intriguing. The paragraphs are long, too, so perhaps making them into two separate ones.

    I shaved some of your query below, but these are just rough suggestions! Good luck!

    "Luc’s childhood is destroyed the night his best friend, Auri, falls through a rip in the fabric of Trillua and disappears into a parallel world—our world. Luc soon discovers he’s still connected to Auri through his dreams. In them, he watches her grow into a beautiful sixteen-year-old who doesn’t trust anyone.

    When the leaders of Trillua discover a way to travel to Earth, Luc risks banishment from the home he loves to hijack a spot on their mission and rescue Auri. But Auri doesn’t remember Luc or Trillua, and Luc has just one month before the Portal back home closes again.

    As the clock ticks down, the leaders of Trillua discover that Luc’s proximity to Auri has somehow made him almost invulnerable to pain or injury. Luc’s unheard of powers are too much like magic—something punishable by death in his world. The leaders demand he take the Portal home to be examined as a potential danger to Trillua, or his family will be banished.

    Now Luc must choose. Abandon the girl he was born to love, or save the family who’s depending on him for their survival."

    ReplyDelete
  5. Just realised I missed this one! You've got a nice concept and great start here - I pretty much agree with the other posters. I'd keep reading :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Wow...thanks Kaitlin. I like that a lot. Now I wish I could go back and change it. haha. Kind of sucks that we can't do that.

    To everyone who commented, thanks for the help, it's very appreciated!!

    Jess...do you have an entry on here? I tried clicking on your name, but that doesn't show me anything. I've seen you commenting on a lot, so I wanted to return the favor. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Tamara - first off, your writing is beautiful, very poetic. You do description very well. My first question is - how old is the mc? Your story seems to cover several years, but it's hard to tell in the query. That needs to be more obvious since it's unclear to me if it's MG or YA. My one major nitpick - you've used the word Trillua five times in your query. That's a lot. See if you can use that less. Other than that, it sounds like a wonderful story. I'm a big fan of anything parallel-dimension-ish!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Cheryl--thanks! I'll take a look at the query again and see if I can get Luc's age in there and say Trillua less. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I'm 44 - great points on description Cheryl - I really like it too.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Your writing is so poetic - that alone makes me want to read more. I'm interested in the Test and finding out why they stayed out all night. There were a lot of characters to keep track of in the first 250. There's a repeat of "Luc soon" in the second sentence. I liked Sin's first line and the dialogue in general. Nicely done!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Thanks Chris. I'll check out that repeat on Luc soon. It's so hard to see stuff in your own writing. I've read it so many times that I'm just blind to mistakes now. haha.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Oh! I just saw that. Wow. Nobody else noticed. I'm sure an agent will know it's a typo, but it sucks that I can't get it out of there!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Tamara-
    You're a commenting fiend and an awesome team player:) You have really good stakes at play in your query. I can definite follow the storyline even though there is word-building and I like the unexpected backwards parallel universe where Earth is the parallel- very cool! I'm not quite sure if this is an issue for anyone else so please take this as just one opinion, but if Luc is asleep in the first paragraph, how is he able to describe the rising sun in the first sentence? I was just a little confused by this. I know someone else brought it up about agents having an issue with stories starting with a character dreaming or just waking up. I just read a post on top "most common elements" in middle grade and YA and the waking up from a dream start was on there (as was characters with green eyes... and characters with red hair, which I've also been guilty of). I know you want to introduce Auri right away but maybe you could start instead with Luc shaking Sin awake and a bit later have him describe the dream about Auri to Sin or another character? I think the first few paragraphs are good, but I would hate to have an agent start out already rolling his or her eyes (not over your writing, but at the cliche) rather than giving it the fair shot it deserves! Good luck- so much to like here!!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi Jennifer,
    Thanks so much for the comment. The story originally started with him seeing the sun and bolting up from the floor. Then I was having a problem with people thinking Luc was a girl. I have no idea why, (Luc sounds like a guy name to me) but a ton of people were reading half the chapter assuming it was a girl and then having to go back to read again when they realized Luc's a guy. I figured if Luc was dreaming about a girl, it would make his sex instantly clear. (I still had one person miss that for most of the chapter. Not quite sure how that happened)

    I'm not sure how else to make his sex immediately apparent without that beginning. I agree with your comment though so I'll have to give it some thought. It's actually not supposed to be that Luc's sleeping either. More like he's half asleep/half awake, just kind of in a tired daze--that's how he sees the sun. I'm not sure how to make that any clearer either. sigh. Do you ever wonder why you became a writer? haha

    Also, my girl MC has red hair and blue-green eyes, so there's another cliche. Bleck. At least the eyes aren't a straight green. I mean, really, how many hair/eye colors are there to choose from? Hopefully I just get a free pass on that one, since she's already totally set in my head that way and it would be super-weird to try to change her appearance.

    Anyway, thanks so much for your thoughts! Good luck in the contest! :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. Luc is clearly a guy name to me! It's French for Luke (or so I think I remember from college). I agree with the others on starting with the MC waking up. You've got a such an intriguing storyline, I'd hate for an agent or editor to flip past it just because of how it starts.

    I love the whole parallel worlds thing. It reminds me of the TV show Fringe. :) I'd definitely read this story!

    I think your query is pretty good. You lay out the stakes and you've got a great hook. I'd consider trimming some of the details just to tighten it up.

    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hi Tamara! Thanks for your critique on mine (#50)--here to return the favor :).

    Although I agree the query could be condensed a bit and checked again for redundancies/typos (i.e. "Luc soon Luc soon" "he" instead of "the"), I loved the conflict and stakes! The promise of romance plus the world-building involved in creating Trillua drew me right in.

    Your first 250 is promising, especially since it makes mention of the romance right away :). I love your descriptions! Really beautiful. My only suggestion is to think about cutting down on the use of exclamation points and use either actions or the dialogue itself to convey the emotion.

    Good luck with this!!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Okay...we seem to be all in agreement that I need to change the beginning. Good to know! So, I was thinking about trying this:


    Outside the window, the ThriceMoon is being slowly replaced by the glare of the rising sun. I blink a few times in confusion as my mind clears of my daydreams of kissing Auri. The sun? Cursing, I bolt upright from the hard floor. The low rumble of Sin’s snores fills the room. I scramble to my feet and punch him in his arm. “Sin! God Blast it. Sin. Wake up!” I wave my hand, as if I can physically brush away the ashy black emotion-trails surrounding me.

    On his bed, Sin jerks as his eyes fly open. “I wasn’t with that girl.”

    This earns him another punch to his arm. “I’m not one of your girls, dolt. It’s Luc. We fell asleep. My father and Emelina will banish me if they realize I stayed out all night. Emelina warned me a million times to be rested for my Test today.”

    Better? Worse? The same? What do you guys think?

    ReplyDelete
  18. P.S. It really sucks that we can't edit our entries based on feedback. :(

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hi Tamara! Thanks for coming by and giving me feedback (#19).

    I have to say first and foremost that I love the premise and your 250 is just beautiful. I love the visual. I'm really drawn in. I feel the love already.

    I think though that the query lacks some of this voice. Maybe it's all of the names/specifics? Or the intricate detail of the plot? I know it's so hard to balance voice and plot in a query (I have a hard time with it as well), but maybe condensing the query a tad, taking away some of the details can help infuse voice.

    Good luck with CAGI! See you around online!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Thanks very much Tif. Good luck to you too!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi Tamara! Great concept! I'd be into reading it for sure. I noticed the typos in the query right away, but Cupid will fix it if you email her. Also, don't know if this has been mentioned already, but the sentence:
    "Luc risks banishment from the home and family he loves to hijack a spot on their mission and rescue Auri."
    It could really use a comma after loves. When I read the query this line kept throwing me til I realized what it was missing.
    Also, the dialog after--- I snap my fingers in his face...
    came off as info for the reader and not natural dialog. Just a suggestion. Hope it's helpful. Like I said, awesome concept! :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks PK,

      I wrote to Cupid and asked her to fix it. I hadn't even thought of that. duh. haha. I'll take a look at that dialogue and see what I can do to make it less obvious. Any ideas? Did I see yours yet? What number are you?

      Delete
  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Tamara,

    Finally getting the chance to drop by :)

    Although I somewhat agree with everyone else that there is a bit too much detail in your query, I actually love all of the little twists and plot elements that you've got in there — it seems like a very exciting read! The main part I'd think about simplifying is the last half of the second paragraph—it feels like a lot of sudden detail and conflict are thrown in at the last minute, when the reader is still absorbing the interplay between Luc, Auri, their world and ours. I feel like you've already got me hooked through the first 1.5 paragraphs, and that you just need a simple hook for the end.

    As for the first 250, I loved it. As you can tell from my own entry (#30... right after you!) I'm not a big fan myself of simple, premise-oriented first paragraphs. I like to put you right into the world, right into a scene, and let you figure it out as the chapter unfolds. So in that sense, I get what you did and I like how it works. Tons of voice, lots of questions in my head, a few unexplained details about the world that sparked my attention (ThriceMoon), and an interplay with another character. I'm fine with your first 250 not really explaining anything—it pulled me in and I like it that way!

    My only other thought: you may want to think about your title and genre. Just say YA sci-fi/fantasy if that's what it is, it will help me understand what I can expect. And I feel that "The World Next Door", although intriguing, is maybe a bit too generic for the amazing world(s) you've built. You've got magic, travelling between dimensions, dreams, Outerlands, LOTS of cool stuff. There must be a title that is either more exciting or that has a direct tie to your MC or the premise. Just my opinion.

    Thanks and good luck!!!

    John
    #30

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for all the nice comments John. I'll take a look at a simpler hook at the end--although, I have to say, I really like the last line of the query. :)

      You are the first person who's said anything about the title. (surprisingly) The World Next Door was never supposed to be anything but a working title so I could call the book something. I agree that it's pretty generic. But then people started saying they really liked the title. I asked a bunch of people about a few different titles I thought of. Hmmmm...I had "ThriceMoon Rising" "Against a Falling Sky." And, "One World Away from Forever"

      Without fail, the overall consensus was that none of those titles were anywhere near as good as The World Next Door.

      I mentioned in the comment I left on yours that I don't think like other people. I'm always on the fringe--out of the loop. haha. So, I felt like I should probably go with popular opinion instead of my own. But I'm doing the Pitch Polish Blog hop next week, so when I post my query, I think I'll post those titles again and see what my new blog followers say.

      Anyway, again thanks for the comments. Always appreciated! See you in blogworld.

      Delete
    2. Hey Tamara, no worries. "The World Next Door" is a really great title. On its own it does a lot of work and really sparks your imagination. And if your MS is mainly about the interplay between our world and theirs, it works great.

      My only thought was that there might be a name somewhere in there that could only be for your book... one that has a strong significance to your story, that no one else could use. That said... sometimes working titles, based on your first instinct, stick, and in that case go for it.

      Very interesting idea, testing out different titles. Try out a different title each time you're in a different feedback contest and see if it changes how people feel about the query/MS. Then go with whatever gets the best response.

      John

      Delete
    3. That's a very good idea. Thanks John.

      Delete
  24. Hopping over from #42! First of all, we're word count buddies! Haha! I am intrigued by the premise of your story and the opening 250 gave me a sense of your MC which is vital in 1st pov. The query though seems like you've tried to included a lot of information in such a small space. Try and narrow it down to what is the most important theme or point of the story you need to convey. And with all the dream lover stories, be sure to show how yours is different x)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know what you mean about the dream-lover thing. It's really become a cliche. In my story, it plays a pretty small role. The girl MC never remembers her dreams, which negated the whole-"Oh!There's the boy I've been dreaming about" angle. I actually wondered about not even including that in the query, but it's important to show that Luc has a connection to Auri the whole time she's gone and I didn't know how else to do that. Any ideas on how I can convey the fact that this is different?

      Thanks for the advice on the rest of it. One of the girls that was nice enough to comment on this (J Kaitlyn Adams) cut down the query a bit for me. I was thinking about going with her version. That's the one I'm going to use for the Pitch Polish blog hop next week, so I'll see how it goes.

      Thanks for the comment. Good luck!!

      Delete
  25. Query:
    Before even reading one word, I’m flinching because the paragraphs are pretty long. White space is your friend in the slush pile because there are *so* many words to read.
    “our world” is author insert…can you say “a parallel world—Earth”? How many years does he watch her in her dreams? Can she see him? Are such rips common for Trillua? Is that why the leaders research this travel? Maybe “she’s determined to take care of” can become “she loves” for the sake of simplicity.
    “Luce has…closes again” you can delete “back.” “But, as the” that comma can be deleted. The death penalty for magic thing needs to be introduced earlier. “Forcing Auri…her mind” doesn’t make sense to me. Luc hasn’t come across as the kind of guy who would force Auri to do this. Great last sentence.
    Page:
    First sentence: matchmatches. Description is a little heavy for the first paragraph. Show how that beauty affects him. “Outside…rising sun” could benefit from parallelism. You’ve got the ThriceMoon, then the “glare of the rising sun.” No, the ThriceMoon was replaced by the rising sun, or the glow of the ThriceMoon was replaced by the glare of the rising sun—not one of each if that makes sense.
    “ashy emotion-trails” are these real things? Clarify immediately since we need to know these things in a fantasy world (what’s real vs what’s metaphor).
    Sin’s line is silly but isn’t working for me in the moment. You can show he’s discombobulated without him talking about a girl. Luc’s first lines don’t feel natural. You’re using the dialogue to explain stuff to the reader that Luc wouldn’t tell Sin (since he’d already know).
    Love the last paragraph, though the second sentence is a little awkward.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Thanks so much, Taryn. I had the query/first 200 words up on another site (the Pitch Polish Blog Hop) and I got a lot of the same advice so pretty much everything you mentioned has been changed. The query is quite a bit shorter now. I really appreciate the critique and the points you made. Nobody else had pointed out how the first sentence didn't match, so that was a neat catch.

    I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. :)

    ReplyDelete