Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CAGI Entry #44


Title: CARTOGRAPHER
Genre: Upper middle grade fantasy
Word Count: 65000

Query:

Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sounds good, right? Not really. Sparks crackle from his hands when he’s nervous, when he’s angry, when he loses control, and since he lost his mum that happens almost every day. He’s got to get a handle on this ‘normal’ thing everyone else seems to manage, because sooner or later someone’s going to figure out he’s a freak.

It won’t be his grandmother. For weeks she’s spent her days sneaking off to ‘book club meetings’ with her entourage of servants in tow – and so far they’ve neglected to take a single book on any of these excursions. Then one night she announces she’s got to go and right then and there she ships him off to stay with her friend Rawdon Abbington – a guy who’s virtually a fossil and possibly out of his gourd. But he’s not stupid. Simon’s sure he suspects something, and far from learning to control the sparks, they’re starting control him. When Rawdon finally catches him out, Simon learns the sparks are magic. Rawdon promises to train him.

That night Simon finds Rawdon lying in a pool of blood and learns his brother, the renegade sorcerer Cyril Abbington, is holding his grandmother hostage. He knows his power might be his only advantage – he must control it now if he wants to save his gran. But the Universe has other ideas. Before she died, Simon’s mum had a job to do, and now the Universe expects him to finish its dirty work. It may not consider ransom demands a matter of cosmic importance, but Cyril's not going to wait to wait. Simon must face him soon, or his grandmother is going to die.

First 250: 

The signpost was cracked and sun-bleached and looked likely to crumble in a stiff breeze, but if you squinted you could still make out the words announcing this was Tallarook Station, for anyone who cared to know. Simon doubted anyone did. The place looked like the surface of Mars. He pressed his nose to the back window, peering out as the chauffer parked the car. A handful of crispy, miserable weeds had tried and failed to survive. A blistered payphone loomed over the scrap of shade where a wallaby lay, either sleeping or dead. There was no platform. He didn’t even notice the train at first glance, and no wonder. It was so filthy it looked like another part of the endless red grit sea.
It was a passenger train, but if anyone ever travelled here, where did they go? Where could they go? He glanced at the horizon. Dark, indistinct somethings shifted through the heat haze until he ordered himself to stop being stupid. There’s nothing there but nothing. 

When the door opened he almost jumped out of his skin. The chauffeur’s eyes flicked to the nose-print on the inside of the otherwise pristine glass. For a moment he looked like he was wrestling a compulsion to break out his Windex, then he bowed and said, ‘It seems we’ve arrived.’ He trotted off without waiting for a response.

Simon shuffled out of the car. The heat sucked all the sweat from his skin. He couldn’t help thinking the air was still thirsty.

54 comments:

  1. Love the voice in your first 250! It might be the formatting on the website, but the first paragraph seems a bit long.

    I'm curious about the title & how it relates to the book. And Simon's grandmother seems like an interesting character!

    I think you've done a good job of infusing the query with voice, too. I like the way you've laid out the stakes. Is there a way to condense some of the query? There might be a few too many details in there.

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  2. Thanks! :) Yeah I know, it was the formatting - probably my fault. I lost some paragraph spaces in there sorry readers!

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  3. Sounds very interesting!! I can already tell this will have lots of twists and turns.

    In the query, there was a little bit of pronoun confusion - I had to reread a few sentences to figure out which character you were talking about.

    In the first 250, your descriptions are beautiful! You may want to consider throwing some more action in to keep your MG readers reading. =)

    Nice work! Best of luck to you!!

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  4. Thanks so much Erin - ack queries... :)

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  5. Hi Jess!

    LOVE the first paragraph of your query. Very simple, smooth, and catchy. You are a great writer, and your 250 words show that. I really, really like the voice of the MC, too.

    Just some suggestions:

    *I feel you could really get rid of a lot about the grandmother- maybe just two or so short sentences to show she's important to the MC. By giving her almost as much room in the query as you did for the MC, my focus was distracted from what was really important.

    *I think if you started with something a little more grabbing in the beginning, it would be better. Something to really MAKE me keep reading.

    Good job, and good luck!

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  6. your first 250 is really nicely written. I love this line: The heat sucked all the sweat from his skin. He couldn’t help thinking the air was still thirsty. I've been in weather like that, and it's such a beautiful way to describe it!

    I agree with an earlier comment - trim a bit about the grandmother and instead focus on your MC. Get us to the magic and the conflict more quickly vs. putting so much emphasis on what happens before the big event.

    But overall I think you've got some great stuff here. Best of luck with this!

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  8. My query's defnitely not working for me - I got tons of great comments and a Ninja request from WriteOnCon for my 250 and first 5... my query was a bit of a fizzer though. This one is a slight reworking of the second version I posted at WriteOnCon (the first was terrible!) Something tells me I might be better scrapping it and re-doing the whole query from scratch! The story is set in a sentient universe too (i.e. the universe is alive and one of the antagonists) - I should probably focus more on that.

    So, er... ramble over. Thanks so much for the feedback guys I really, really appreciate it! If anyone reads and I missed commenting on yours let me know.

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  9. Love, love, LOVE the voice! MG is usually hard for me to get into (being so grown up *cough* Cough* yeah right.) but I really loved the sound of your 250. After reading through the comments, I realize you pretty much know how awesome your first 250 are (congrats on the agent request too!) So I am going to skip the 250 and dive into the query. I used to think queries were super hard, but I got some excellent advice at WriteOnCon that helped me a lot.
    Your query should strive to answer five questions.
    1.) What is the starting event of the story?
    2.) What is the conflict that arises?
    3.) What are the complications?
    4.) What is the choice?
    5.) What are the stakes?
    Right now, your query sounds like a summary of about your first 30 pages. While I enjoy the voice in it, I don't get a sense of place or of what the main conflict is. I think if you go back over the query with those five questions in mind you could come out with a really great query! Good luck!!

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  10. New para after surface of Mars. And new para at It was a passenger train.

    I think it would help your flow. Solid writing and nice imagery.

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  11. I love your first 250! I agree that the query could use some trimming, because we need agents to see what an awesome writer you are! I'd say condense/combine the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs of the query. My favorite line of all is, "There's nothing here but nothing." Great, great work! I love the title, love the main character, and love the setting. That's a lot of love! :)

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  12. Thanks Carey! Gah wish I could edit the silly para breaks... should've checked my formatting better.

    Great advice Jessica! I reckon I'll definitely go back to the query drawing board and that layout looks very helpful.

    Thanks Elaine that's so sweet - I think I already said your entry is my fave so far!

    Thanks everyone else! I really appreciate your thoughtful comments.

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  13. I love the voice in your MS but the first sentence is long and distracting with all its adjectives. It's important to hook the reader right away so you might want to cut it down a bit to increase the immediacy. One suggestion:

    The cracked signpost looked likely to crumble in a stiff breeze but anyone caring to know could still make out the sun-bleached words announcing Tallarook Station. Simon doubted anyone did.

    I think you've got a good base query, but as someone above suggested, it would probably be better to distill it down to only the most important meat. I love your premise and voice -- sounds like a great read! Good luck!

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  14. Though I agree the query was a little long, I think you're on the right track with showing the stakes and conflict. Not only do we have a MC with supernatural abilities, we also have something of a murder mystery and a very real sense of danger.

    The first 250 held up the query's promise of danger. I got the sense of that right away, but I loved the injection of humor (compulsion to break out the Windex):). Good luck with this!

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  15. Thanks!

    I've been through a few variations. I have a slightly different version of this in Miss Snark's First Victim (which is an awesome resource of anyone hasn't heard of it). One different line is:

    'The place looked like the surface of Mars and signs of civilization were scant.'

    I dropped that latter half here for word limit, but not sure which works best.

    'For a moment he looked like he was wrestling a compulsion to break out his Windex and scrub out the evidence left by his adolescent passenger, then he said, “It seems we’ve arrived," and trotted off without waiting for a response.'

    That's another variation above.

    Another two I changes I made recently, but am still considering are:

    'The long dust road ended with a signpost. It was cracked and sun-bleached and looked likely to crumble in a stiff breeze, but if you squinted you could still make out the words announcing this was Tallarook Station, for anyone who cared to know.'

    With this one, there were mixed opinions at WriteOnCon over 'dust' but the opening line was still very popular. Not sure if I should stick it back in. Does anyone think it helps address the rhythm of the longer follow up line? Just wondering. I'm thinking maybe it needs to go back.

    This one's another that people really liked at WriteOnCon:

    'The train seemed like the sort formerly occupied by neat rows of business people, but if anyone ver travelled here...'

    I cut that for word limit too. Any opinions on whether it should stay? A previous iteration went further 'neat rows of seats formerly occupied by neat rows of business people' - also got good comments but I figured I needed to murder my darlings and all...

    Thanks so much everyone (also I'm @enigmasaurus on twitter if anyone needs extra feedback) :)

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    1. Okay, so reading back over what you've changed, most of what you cut seems like it only helped your story. However, I may go back and put in the 'dust road' bit. I think that would help with the length of the first sentence. Although, I think I would say dirt road instead of dust road, but that may just be me. :) Other than that, I think the changes you've made here are for the better!

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  16. just asked some CPs and they agree too (apparently, I was bonkers to cut it) - said with the short *then* longer sentence rhythm works much better. Thanks Jess!

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  17. I really enjoyed the last two paragraphs. I love your images, and I can feel the heat of the thirsty air.

    Nicely done!

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  18. Thanks :) Glad everyone likes the thirsty air! *happy dance*

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  19. Hi Jess! Wow. This is a great entry. I saw that you're planning to re-work the query, so I won't comment on that--except to say that adding in the part about this universe being sentient seems like a great idea because that's a really neat hook.

    Like everyone else, I loved the first 250. I also agree with the comments about leaving the first dust road sentence, but I think the other changes you made (as far as word-cutting) were good ones. And I prefer dust road to dirt road. Dirt road is so overused that, for some reason, dust road just gives me a more vivid image. Simon sounds like a great protag, I think you'll do really well with this.

    Good luck with!!

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  20. man oh man this is good stuff. The voice is excellent. how did you research the lingo for this character? I love it.

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  21. Thanks guys :) Not sure I researched it per se - just came up with it :P (plucked it out of thin air so to speak)

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  22. Wow Jess, I loved the voice in your 250, it was very strong.
    My only crit to make is I think there are a few words in your 250 that an MG audience may not understand. Pristine & compulsion. I only say this because I have a daughter in that age group and I know she wouldn't understand what they meant.

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  24. No real useful crit to offer- just wanted to pop by and say how much I enjoyed this. I remember reading the query on WriteOnCon and then going directly to the first 250, then directly to the first five pages because I was so charmed. The pages definitely didn't disappoint! Best of luck- you deserve to go through to the next round, for sure!!

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  25. What a great story! I love the premise and the voice in the first 250. Queries are tough, but I think they are really tough when the story has so many layers like yours. How do you get it all in, but keep it simple? I wish I could help. With that said, the beginning is so great and the story sounds so intriguing. I so wish I could read more. Good Luck!

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    1. Ummm, sorry about the way over use of "so." Eeek!

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  26. Thanks so much guys! I really value your comments :)

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  27. I REALLY like your first 250. I would definitely want to read more. I absolutely love some of the details, i.e. the nose print on the window, the thirsty air.

    I saw some of the other comments regarding the the query and I think you have a lot of good ideas to go on there. A couple of things that I noticed from the 250 that I would like to know more about. First, you mention a wallaby, but it wasn't clear from the query if this was set in Australia. I think that would be a unique setting and would love to see that come through in the query. Also, the voice in the 250 is wonderful, and I think it would make your query even stronger if they had the same feel. Great job though, best of luck. :)

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  28. Thanks! I'm having a go at doing the whole query over - I'll see if I can work some of an Australiana feel in there. The wallaby becomes one of the characters.

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  30. Howdy there - I am your judge and I'm a bit late to the dinner party, so I apologize. Jess, I see that you're going to rework your query, which I think is wise.

    I think you start out strong (if a bit long; these details could be condensed), but you lose focus in the third paragraph. The biggest problem here is that while we know who the bad guy is, we have no idea what he wants or what's driving him.

    Janet Reid is fond of structuring queries as "WHO is your hero, WHAT does he want, and WHAT is the obstacle keeping him from getting it?"

    I'd suggest a query should work on this level for both the hero and the antagonist.

    Your first 250 words are gorgeous. Sophisticated for MG, but in a good way, and your prose is great. I do think there are a few places where sentences could be trimmed/tightened to give them that much more impact, but you are absolutely on the right track and I'm looking forward to seeing where this project goes.

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  31. Thanks so much Rick! :) I was actually coming in to post a potential new query but I'm going to go query shark it up (er, read Janet and absorb her wisdom, that it) for a while - that's terrific advice. I'll have another play around with it.

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  32. You're very welcome - I hope I helped, a little! :) Best of luck!

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  34. I thought I'd try out another draft. Not sure if it's plot soup (gah queries!) The elements I focussed on in the first query are actually more of a sub-plot, but I wanted to try out something different. A lot more of the plot centres on Simon and Rose (a previous query draft had a lot more of Rose in it - that one landed some full requests yay!) I've heard it's often best to pick out some of the main conflicts and focus on them and I wanted to test out people's response to a new angle. A very hard task this query biz - I've taken some elements for this new rough draft from my synopsis, which (I hope) ties it all together.

    ***

    Bored and meddlesome, the Substrate – the sentient foundation of life and magic in which parallel worlds clump together like molecules – divides its time between pretending to be omnipotent and assigning magical powers to humans in return for their loyal servitude.

    Thirteen-year-old Simon had no idea his mother was the Cartographer, the one magician granted the power to sense and map the ever-changing portals between the near worlds. When she is murdered he inherits her powers, and now the Substrate expects him to do its dirty work.

    While he’s learning to control his magic, he meets Rose and the two become friends. He soon realises only he can see her. She disappears and reappears at random, going to a terrifying blank world she calls the ‘nothing place’. As her disappearances become longer and more frequent, Simon’s terrified he might lose her forever. Learning to control his powers will have to wait; he’s got to find some way to help Rose.

    But a rouge magician, Cyril, wants Simon’s power. He’s lost something and he’s prepared search all the worlds to get it back; for that, he needs Cartography, and he’s willing to kill to take it. The Substrate doesn’t consider Simon’s little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance. It doesn't want its new prize put at risk for the sake of Cyril's relentless obsession. When Simon learns Rose is Cyril’s daughter, he knows he must escape the Substrate's influence and uncover the truth of Rose’s past before it’s too late.

    ***

    So, obviously that's pretty rough and I'm sure it needs work - the last paragraph, I think, might be vague. Does it make sense? Thanks so much for all your feedback cagi peeps!

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    2. Okay, I liked this one so much better! I really got a much better feel for your world and Simon’s power sounds so amazing. I think you can combine some sentences. Like: "After his mother's murder, Simon inherits her rare ability-the ability to sense the portals to other worlds. While scouting out portals, Simon meets Rose and soon discovers he is the only one who can see her. She vanish into a place she calls the Nothing Place and as her visits become rarer, Simon's afraid she'll vanish for good."

      Those are just a couple of my suggestions. If you can combine sentences into one powerful sentence, I think you have a better chance of catching an agent’s eye. Hope this helps! I love the sound of your book more and more!!

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  35. Hey Jess,

    Finally got the chance to drop by! Sorry that I'm VERY late to this party.

    Wow, it seems like you've built an amazing world with CARTOGRAPHER, full of surprises and wonder. Having read both the original query and the new one above this, I got the sense that your project is very similar to mine, ONE FIFTY ONE, in that you've got a huge world, with lots of really interesting characters, each of them is connected in some way, and your MC will meet them all throughout his journey. And in addition to cool things like magic and electricity, you've got a big concept about the Universe behind it all too.

    From my own experience and the feedback I've gotten, it's been difficult to query a project like this. There are so may cool things about the world to talk about — how to show a few choice details and characters, enough to get people intrigued and interested, and how to hold back on really interesting details that are cool, but can wait? It's tough because only you really know what your world has in store for people...

    So, as for the details in both your queries, I will say the second one stood out to me for the interesting elements you did reveal: the Substrate, magic, Cartography, and the connecting the MC has through his mom. The first query plays all of these down, but the second one presents them unapologetically, which I love. It just shouts "there's a lot of cool stuff in here!", which is great.

    My only comment on the second query, is that it feels like there are too many details and story threads in there. It seems like your MC, his missing mother, the villain magician, are the keys, maybe they're enough? Maybe and the Universe can be hinted at but not fully-explained. I love the cool premise of the Universe but I feel more of a tie to the MC, maybe that's the way to go...

    Sorry for the feedback dump, I just have a lot of similar feelings as you with my own project. Hope this helps!

    John
    #30

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  36. Yeah I agree about that - like I said I took more elements from my synopsis so it's reading a little 'synopsis like' - I'm still working on it :) I think there's much less of a sense of voice in query 2 as well, which I'd like to have in there... Thanks!

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  37. Hi Jess! I see you're having trouble with the query. In the original version I really liked the opening paragraph- after that it seemed to lose some oomph. Queries are obnoxious, but I am sure you'll sort it out!

    The 250 was charming and a nicely described opening to your story. I definitely pictured everything clearly. Simon sounds like a fun character and I would continue reading for sure x)

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  38. Hi Jess! Loved your first 250 at WriteOnCon and still think it's a wonderful open. Your dusty train station is so clear in my head, such a great job.

    Queries are tough as it is. With fantasy, you also have to deal with the world building. Trying to squeeze in world building and voice is so tricky. I really love the first paragraph in the 1st version of our query-- "Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sounds good, right? Not really."

    It lets us know so much about Simon. What if you meshed the two? Something like, but still needs tweaking:

    Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sounds good, right? Not really. Sparks crackle from his hands when he’s nervous, when he’s angry, when he loses control, and since he lost his mum that happens almost every day. Simon never knew his own mother was the Cartographer, the one magician granted the power to sense and map the ever-changing portals between the near worlds. Now Simon has inherited her powers, and a powerful force wants him to handle its dirty work.

    Just a thought, because I love that first opening. :)

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  39. Hi Jess!

    I love love love this line from your 250: "Simon shuffled out of the car. The heat sucked all the sweat from his skin. He couldn’t help thinking the air was still thirsty."

    I immediately recognized it from Authoress's Secret Agent Contest! (I was entry 30 :))

    The intro to your query is amazing as well. It has a great voice and just sucked me right in.

    The issue I'm having is with the 2nd paragraph of your query. This sentence is too long. "Then one night she announces she’s got to go and right then and there she ships him off to stay with her friend Rawdon Abbington – a guy who’s virtually a fossil and possibly out of his gourd."

    You can probably take out "she announces she's got to go and right then and there" and replace it with "she leaves and ships him off.."

    The rest of it sounds good. Well done!

    Thanks for your helpful feedback on my CAGI entry! (95)

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  40. This story sounds awesome! And I know the feeling of trying to fit in a complicated plot into a query synopsis. Urgh.

    In your revised query you posted in the comments, I think the second paragraph is stronger to start with. It ends with a mention of the Substrate, at which point you could do a brief definition of what that is. This would keep your initial focus of the query on your MC rather than the worldbuilding.

    I actually loved your first query, but not as a query, more as a teaser! As others have pointed out, it's pretty long and doesn't get through all a query needs to get through. I think you can salvage a lot from it, though! I love its opening paragraph, for instance.

    I also love your first 250 words. I can't wait until this book is on shelves, because I'm so going to buy it!

    Best of luck!

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  41. Hello #44! I don’t have time for in-depth qualitative analyses right now, but here is the language/spelling/punctuation-only grammar-fairy drive-by you requested on Twitter! Hope it helps you clean up for the next round.

    Language notes on the query:

    * “He’s got to get a handle on this ‘normal’ thing” / “sneaking off to ‘book club meetings’”—I don’t know if this is intended for US audiences, but American English dictates double-quotes, not singles, in situations like you’ve got for “normal” and “book club meetings.”

    * “servants in tow – and so far” / “her friend Rawdon Abbington – a guy who’s virtually a fossil” / “his only advantage – he must control”—You’re consistently using en dashes where you should be using em dashes. Please look up usage guidelines for the difference between hyphens, en dashes, and em dashes, and apply globally.

    * “his power might be his only advantage – he must control it”—Just an opinion, but I think a semicolon works better than a dash here.

    * “Cyril's not going to wait”— I see a mixture of smart quotes and dumb quotes in this query. (Look at the apostrophe here in “Cyril’s”—it’s straight instead of curled like your other ones.) You need to really watch this sort of thing because it makes it clear the text has been transferred between formats and has undergone revisions in more than one program. I recommend switching all dumb quotes to smart quotes.

    * “Cyril's not going to wait to wait”—To wait to wait?

    Language notes on your first 250:

    * Your first line is kind of a run-on sentence.

    * “he bowed and said, ‘It seems we’ve arrived.’”—If this is to be shopped in the USA, you need double-quotes for dialogue, not singles.

    Fingers crossed for your judge to smile upon your entry! (My not-so-lucky ten are already covered in grammar-fairy dust.)

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  42. Tweaked query a little more:

    The Substrate – the sentient foundation of all universes – has the power to clump parallel worlds together like atoms in a molecule. Bored and meddlesome, it divides its time between pretending to be omnipotent and assigning magical powers to the humans inhabitants of its string of worlds in return for their loyal servitude.

    Thirteen-year-old Simon had no idea his mother was one of the Substrate’s agents, but when she is murdered, he inherits her powers. He becomes the Cartographer, the one magician with the power to control and map the ever-changing portals between the linked worlds. Now the Substrate expects Simon to do its dirty work. He didn’t sign up for this; he doesn’t want to live by its whims, but can you say no to the universe?

    When Simon’s only friend vanishes he knows he must find a way to refuse. For as long as he’s known her, Rose has disappeared at random, fading in and out of a terrifying blank world she calls the ‘nothing place’. This time, she hasn’t come back. Simon’s convinced he’s the only one who can help her, and he won’t lose her – she’s all he’s got. The Substrate won’t let its new Cartographer go without a fight. It doesn’t consider his little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance, and there’s a serious problem brewing on one of its pet worlds – one that, if left unchecked, risks severing the linked worlds and destroying all the lives within them.
    If he wants to find Rose and save the worlds, Simon must escape the Substrate's influence long enough to uncover the truth of her past, before he loses her forever.

    ___

    Still thinking it's way too long... But I tweaked it slightly. I think I've got way too much in there. ZOMG I hate queries! :P

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  43. Hey Jess! So, I have to say, I like the voice in your earlier versions of your query and I'm not getting as much of that fun snark with this one, which makes it read a little more like a synopsis. Two other pet peeves. First, I want it to start with Simon. I care about SImon and it's HIS story, not The Substrate's. Second, I think the stakes are a little off in the last sentence. FInding Rose and saving the worlds shouldn't be getting equal billing- one is clearly much more grave than the other in the scheme of things and if the worlds aren't saved, Rose is gone anyway. So saving the world has to be the big one.

    I played around with some of your paragraphs from all the versions you posted. Some of the sentences are too long and, not having read this, I'm sure I'm misrepresenting some things. But I loved the voice from the earlier versions too much to see it go. This is definitely a rough draft, but maybe it will help you look at it differently. I know I've seen mine so many times I can't see the forest for the trees anymore!

    Here goes:

    Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sounds good, right? Not really. Sparks crackle from his hands when he’s nervous, when he’s angry, when he loses control… and since he lost his mum that happens almost every day. He’s got to get a handle on this ‘normal’ thing everyone else seems to manage, because sooner or later someone’s going to figure out he’s a freak.

    Except being termed a freak becomes the least of Simon’s problems when he learns the secret behind his mother’s death. Turns out Mum was a Cartographer, the one magician granted the power to sense and map the ever-changing portals between near worlds, all of which are controlled by The Substrate. This evil organization is the sentient foundation of all universes and has the power to clump parallel worlds together like atoms in a molecule. Bored and meddlesome, it divides its time between pretending to be omnipotent and assigning magical powers to the humans inhabitants of its string of worlds in return for their loyal servitude.
 Now the Substrate expects Simon to do its dirty work. He didn’t sign up for this; he doesn’t want to live by its whims, but can you say no to the universe?

    When Simon’s only friend vanishes he knows he must find a way to refuse. For as long as he’s known her, Rose has disappeared at random, fading in and out of a terrifying blank world she calls the ‘nothing place’. This time, she hasn’t come back. Simon’s convinced he’s the only one who can help her but The Substrate won’t let its new Cartographer go without a fight. It doesn’t consider his little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance, and there’s a serious problem brewing on one of its pet worlds – one that, if left unchecked, risks severing the linked worlds and destroying all the lives within them.


    Simon must escape the Substrate's influence long enough to uncover the truth of her past, before he loses Rose—or, even worse, the worlds—forever. 


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  44. Wow Jennifer thanks so much. I actually like the first query better in a lot of ways too. The second, I think, makes the plot sound a lot more complicated than it is (which is definitely not the impression I want to give). The first version had a lot more of Simon's voice. I love your structural ideas though in combining the two. It's very helpful! Let me know if you need any query tweaking (I know your 250 are rock solid)!

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  45. Hi Jess! First off, I completely agree with everything your judge said. This is your golden ticket: "WHO is your hero, WHAT does he want, and WHAT is the obstacle keeping him from getting it?"
    In my humble opinion, the first paragraph isn't working. You're starting with too much world building, which *could* work, but the details are too confusing. Cut the first paragraph and start with the second.
    I'll make some notes in text.

    Thirteen-year-old Simon had no idea his mother was one of the Substrate’s agents [Instead of saying she was an agent of the Substrate, you might want to say what she could do. I.e. He didn't know his mother could _____ ], but when she is murdered, he inherits her powers . He becomes the Cartographer, the one magician with the power to control and map the ever-changing portals between the linked worlds [Maybe say our world and parallel universes]. *Now the Substrate expects Simon to do its dirty work. He didn’t sign up for this; he doesn’t want to live by its whims, but can you say no to the universe?* [I honestly feel like this last sentence is more of a subplot and the following paragraph is your main conflict. I'd cut everything between the asterisks.}

    When Simon’s only friend [Rose] vanishes[ into the nothing place--a terrifying blank world--,] he knows he must find a way to refuse [find her?]. For as long as he’s known her, Rose has disappeared at random, fading in and out of a terrifying blank world she calls the ‘nothing place’. *This time, she hasn’t come back.* [Cut.] Simon’s convinced he’s the only one who can help her, and he won’t lose her – she’s all he’s got. [Explain how giving up his job as a Cartographer will help find her.] *The Substrate won’t let its new Cartographer go without a fight. It doesn’t consider his little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance, and there’s a serious problem brewing on one of its pet worlds – one that, if left unchecked, risks severing the linked worlds and destroying all the lives within them.* [Cut]
    If he wants to find Rose and save the worlds, Simon must escape the Substrate's influence long enough to uncover the truth of her past, before he loses her forever.

    That's just my two cents. You've got to find a way to simplify, simplify, simplify. But your concept is fantastic! You're so close to having something amazing! Jessica

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  46. Thanks sooo much Jessica! I really appreciate you taking the time to do this. :)

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  47. Thirteen-year-old Simon makes electricity with his fingers. Sparks crackle from his hands when he’s nervous, when he’s angry, when he loses control; since his mom died, that’s almost every day. If he doesn’t get a handle on this ‘normal’ thing everyone else seems to manage, someone’s going to figure out he’s a freak, and he’s terrified that someone will be his only friend, Rose.

    ‘Normal’ seems out of reach when Simon learns he inherited his mom’s powers. He’s now Cartographer, the one magician granted the power to sense and map the ever-changing portals between worlds. The connections are controlled by The Substrate, the sentient blank space in which a series of parallel worlds – including Earth – clump together like atoms in a molecule. Bored and meddlesome, the Substrate divides its time between pretending to be omnipotent and assigning magical powers to humans in return for their loyal servitude.
Now, it expects Simon to do its dirty work.

    When Rose disappears he knows he must find a way to refuse. He learns she’s stuck partway between worlds, in the blank of the Substrate. He knows he must help her but The Substrate has other ideas. It doesn’t consider his little girlfriend a matter of cosmic importance; there’s a serious problem brewing on one of its pet worlds – a rogue sorcerer has found a way to sever all the linked worlds, risking every life within them. There sorcerer has one demand: he wants Rose, too.

    Simon must control his magic and stand up to the manipulative Substrate if he wants to navigate his way through Rose’s past. To find his friend and save the worlds, Simon must discover the link between Rose and the sorcerer, before she’s lost forever.

    __

    Another draft... not sure I managed to simplify though. I'll keep working at cutting back a bit more.

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  48. Jess--first off, congrats on your nod! Good luck! I think this last version is your best yet. I loved, loved your first 250!! The first paragraph--to me--was reminiscent of the beginning of Harry Potter on Privet Drive except a little more eloquent :) It definitely sets a mood and voice that are unique, interesting, and compelling.

    And secondly, I wanted to thank you for your kind words on my not making the grade. I wrote entry 100 and you made my night with your post. So, thank you. Now, I'm off to find you on twitter. I'm @wishwryter.

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