Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CAGI Entry #30


Title: ONE FIFTY ONE
Genre: YA sci-fi/fantasy
Word Count: 96,000

Query:

17-year-old Aeneas doesn’t belong to a Colony. As the bloody scars on his back remind him, he was one more than needed. One more than necessary.

He survives as a thief in the depths of the Ilium Underground, until his world begins to slowly fall apart: a mobster tortures him for secrets, the band of pirates that raised him is slaughtered in cold blood, and the Secret Police seem to be following his every move. Then he meets Casseopea, and his world gets turned around once more. All is not well in her Colony: the new Head Mistress is terrorizing its members, a secret rebellion is brewing, and the Chieftain has cast her out in order to help him find a mystical Key.

Only by joining forces with this girl from the Colonies will Aeneas learn the truth about his past, unlock the power of the Key, and change the fate of Ilium forever.

First 250

This can’t be the true Son of Ilium.

Panicked thoughts swept through Memnon’s throbbing forehead as he reached for the silver-plated battle axe that had hung from his war belt since he was a young man. Cool steel-coloured eyes bore into him from the intruder—the boy—watching his every move. Tattered robes, soiled from the filth of the city Underground, lay at the boy’s feet.

First a beggar, now a boy. This can’t be the true Son of Ilium.

Memnon’s heart beat a little faster. The axe wasn’t there. Only nothingness. It should have been there—it was always there. Instead, the cold leather of his belt gave way to the folds of velvet from his tunic. Something wet. Something warm.

Blood?

He felt more eyes on him now. He was surrounded. The Elders of the Colony. His people. But they weren’t his people anymore. Not now. Not with this boy, this stranger, this outcast, standing in his way. They used to be his people. Now, their hatred burned a hole in his chest. The horrible feeling of revenge flowed from their eyes, through the room, and settled in the bowels of his stomach. But they didn’t move. They seemed to be waiting. Waiting for the boy. Memnon’s heart beat faster still.

How dare they! This is sacrilege, treason. After all these years, years of peace, years of stability, contentment! I am their Chieftain! How dare they…

The boy didn’t flinch. Memnon studied his face. It was young, but it looked battered, resolute, like it had survived decades of work in the Mines.

12 comments:

  1. Ooh I like this premise. I love the Iliad. One thing - the italicised parts in the 250 really distracted me. It might be stronger without them, not sure - you might get a second opinion when more people comment.

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    1. Thanks Jess! Really appreciate your feedback.

      The italics represent the character's thoughts — in the case of this scene, the Chieftain, Memnon's. It's a style I've used throughout the manuscript, I hope it's not too confusing right off the bat!

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  2. I am really, really interested in the world you're building here. Is this a "The Iliad" retelling in part? I'm not sure from your query. You've got some great stakes in place.

    I just read Jess' comment and agree about the first line in particular. As a piece of internal dialogue, it really needs to be grounded in a character and situation so it makes sense. I understood it only after I'd read down a few paragraphs and looped back up. The second italicized line still doesn't make sense to me. What beggar?

    Is the boy naked? Or are those somebody else's clothes on the ground?

    I'm getting just a whiff of your world and it sounds really cool. However, I'd like to see more hints about the setting right in the beginning. Not a huge amount - just a few details woven in.

    I was thrown by the sudden appearance of the elders. I thought he was alone with the boy. Perhaps you can indicate earlier that the mc is in some kind of courtroom?

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    1. Hey Heather, thanks so much for all your comments and questions, I'm glad you're intrigued :)

      You make some great points. My goal was to start right in the middle of the action... not to explain too much off the top but to slowly build a partial understanding as the scene and its intensity unfolds. Perhaps a little more clarity would help!

      Cheers :)

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  3. I really like you premise and your query is great. I would agree with the comment above, however, that a few more details would really help the reader get sucked in to the world you're building here.

    I think a little more detail in the last paragraph of the query would be good too. Take the stakes from being general to being more specific would really make me want to read more.

    Overall great job and very strong query! Good luck!

    Mine is entry number 43 if you want to check it out. :)

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    1. Hey Kris... thanks for lending your POV! It's always a struggle to decide between too many details and too few. Thanks for the tip. Cheers, and I'm heading over to 43 right now....

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  4. Hi John, I thought the opening line of the query was very strong. The "head mistress" throws me (something I connect with girls' boarding schools, not reimagined Greek mythology).
    Also this needs a bit more explanation "and the Chieftain has cast her out in order to help him find a mystical Key" - how does casting her out help him find it?
    I also found this a little weird "unlock the power of the Key" keys unlock things things don't unlock keys, maybe discover or utilize or harness or something.
    For the actual opening scene I think Memnon's thought would work better after we realize who's thinking it (and then you could get rid of the repetition of "This can’t be the true Son of Ilium." Maybe it's just me but when an author says the same thing twice within even a couple of pages it irks me.

    "...settled in the bowels of his stomach." Choose either bowels or stomach.
    "Panicked thoughts swept through Memnon’s throbbing forehead as he reached for the silver-plated battle axe that had hung from his war belt since he was a young man." For me there is too much going on and it dilutes the tension, I would say keep only what's most important "Panicked thoughts swept through Memnon's throbbing head as he reached for the battle axe hanging from his war belt."
    Then in this part - "Memnon’s heart beat a little faster. The axe wasn’t there. Only nothingness. It should have been there—it was always there." - I would omit "only nothingness" we know it isn't there so why tell us again? And you could say "It should have been there - it had been there since his boyhood" (or give an actual age).
    This part - "His people. But they weren’t his people anymore. Not now. Not with this boy, this stranger, this outcast, standing in his way. They used to be his people." I would get rid of the last sentence, it's redundant.
    There is also some confusion between past and present tense.
    That's all the nitpicky stuff :) But overall it sounded exciting and intriguing which is much more important.

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  5. Hi John,

    Wow, what a great premise! I like your first paragraph hook, it definitely makes me want to read on. There is a little too much going on in the second paragraph, however. I would cut out the "his world begins to slowly fall apart." This is redundant and I think it would be stronger if it just read: "He survives as a thief in the depths of the Ilium Underground until a mobster tortures him for secrets and the band of pirates that raised him is slaughtered in cold blood"

    Also, the stakes in the third paragraph don't seem to be high enough but I think this could be easily changed by pushing a few words around.

    As far as your ms goes, I think your writing flows very well and your descriptives are beautiful. But flip-flopping from first-person POV and third-person POV is distracting. This is really hard to pull off, but it can be done:

    How dare they, he thought. This is sacrilege, treason. After all these years, years of peace, years of stability, contentment! I am their Chieftain! How dare they…

    Anyhow, I think you've got an amazing voice going on and I'd love to read this story. Good luck!

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    1. Hi Cheryl,

      Thanks so much for stopping by and offering your POV! I'm glad that you feel drawn into this world. And I like your solution to jumping between 1st person POV and 3rd, perhaps that can help keep things flowing smoothly.

      Cheers :)

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  6. Hi John,

    Wow. I really like the premise here. I actually wasn't at all confused by the italics. (But, I tend not react to things the way most people do, so I'd probably go with majority opinion on that). I was instantly intrigued by the boy standing up to this warlord-seeming character. I think it's a really cool beginning.

    That said, I do agree with the comments Rhiann made about cutting certain sentences down. I think her comments were pretty spot on.

    One more thing. Nobody else mentioned this, so take it with a grain of salt, but I felt like I wanted to know Cassiopea was from the colony from the first mention of her. Also, it seemed odd to call it "her" colony when she's been cast out of it. Nitpicky, I know, but--for some reason--it jumped out at me.

    I was thinking maybe something like:
    Then he meets Casseopea, a recent cast-out from the colony, and his world gets turned around once more. All is not well in the Colony: the new Head Mistress is terrorizing its members, a secret rebellion is brewing, and the Chieftain has banished Cassiopea until she finds a mystical key.

    Or something along those lines. Again, just a suggestion.

    I think you have an awesome voice and I'd want to read more if I picked this up. Good luck with it!! Thanks for the comments on mine. :)

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  7. Query:
    Ahhh love the opening! I immediately know everything I need to know to orient myself. (age/gender, type of book, tone)
    The first sentence of the second paragraph, however, stumps me a little. It’s really looong. The best way to keep making sense is to keep the sentences simple, especially when you have a complex fantasy world as I’m sure you do. It’s a lot of interesting stuff in a sentence that just keeps on going, and it leaves me trying to sort out what’s important and what’s not.
    I’m having trouble finding the exact moment this story starts. Is it the mobster’s torture? What changes to get him this attention? Or is it when he meets Casseopea? Pinpoint this and play it up. We need to know change.
    And once we meet Casseopea, we get another list. Keep it down to only the coolest elements.
    Ooh, and then in the last paragraph, there’s another list. Yes, your book has a ton of awesome things going on, but the query isn’t the place to just list these. The query is the place to shape the main conflict into a story arc.
    Page:
    It’s tough to start a YA with an adult POV. I want to start with the character I’m going to spend the book with, so this prologue thing isn’t working . . . unless it’s shorter than like a page.
    The writing here is fantastic, very atmospheric and easy to read. That’s why it’s tough for me to critique this…the writing is so sound, but I just don’t think you’re writing about the right thing. I know you hear this all the time, but there are reasons that prologues are frowned upon, and in YA the main thing is that they don’t allow us to connect to the teen protagonist we need to meet immediately.

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