Wednesday, September 5, 2012

CAGI Entry #23


Title: FORGET-ME-NOT
Genre: YA Speculative
Word Count: 76,000

Query:

Anamae is eight when her mother disappears without a trace. Nine years later, she innocently activates secret technology thrusting herself into danger. She’s forced into hiding from the unknown society concealing the technology from the public. Unable to return home, fear of being forgotten by those she loves leads headstrong Anamae into a fight to resume her normal life. With her protective best friend and a fierce new companion as allies, she struggles against the control of this despotic society determined to prevent her from exposing their many secrets. Friendship, love and hope propel Anamae and her friends through a risky mission to escape the manipulation she never realised influenced her everyday life.

First 250:

How do I tell my mother what’s happened, what she’s missed, everything about my life?

I can’t.

Chin cupped in hand, I sit at the desk in my bedroom and stare at the pale yellow notepaper before me. The blue lines across it are as empty as my pounding head. I hold my favourite pen, poised in my hand ready to write, but the words elude me. I let out a long sigh.

Two faces stare up from the photo waiting to be slipped into the envelope along with the letter. It’s a ‘selfie’, not one of my beautiful nature shots that I normally put with my annual letter. My cheek’s pushed up against Will’s. His sandy blonde hair falls into his bright blue eyes. His arm, resting over my shoulders, pulls us close together. Our grins say more than words ever will. I smile, he’s my best friend.

Twirling the pen between my fingers I gaze out of the window into the soft autumn afternoon. The distant clang of metal on metal pierces the silence. Leaning over my desk, I lift the window and warm afternoon air brushes against my face in a soft breeze. I peer out into the neighbour’s yard below. Will’s jean clad legs stick out from under the hood of a beat up green car. He backs out and hoists a large piece of machinery up onto his shoulder lifting it like it weighs no more than a small sack of potatoes.

14 comments:

  1. In your query, I'm curious to know a little more about this secret society and why they're concealing technology. I think stating this will draw out the stakes and show a bit of the world you've created. Unknown might not be the right word if she knows it exists, she just doesn't know the name or much about it. Also, I think you can remove "without a trace" and end the first sentence at disappears to eliminate the cliche.

    Queries are tough -- I can tell you have a great story here, and you should show it off in your pitch! Best of luck :)

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    1. Hi Stephsco,

      Thanks for the great feedback. I think you're right about using the word unknown, I was trying to convey that the general public are not aware that the society exists, but you're right, at this stage in the story Anamae does know that it exists.

      In regards to the society suppressing technology, its advanced tech that would allow people to have magic-like powers. This society manipulate and control everything that happens in the world, with the tech made public, they couldn't.

      Hmmm, now to figure out how to put all that in the picth :) Thanks again!

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  2. Nice work - one thing you could consider is dropping your first two lines. I think you could start from 'Chin...' - maybe reveal info about her mother later.

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    1. Hi Jess, I've agonized over those two lines for months - taking them out and putting them back in. Great to have another opinion on it!

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  3. Your first 250 are great - I can picture everything really well! Nice job!!

    In your pitch, I would love a few more specifics - what secret technology? What danger? What's risky about the mission? Who is her new companion? I think adding a few more details will add a LOT to your query.

    Best of luck to you!!

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    1. Hi Erin, Thanks for the insightful feedback. I've re-written my query and posted at the bottom on the comments section. I would love your opinion on it :)

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  4. I agree with the other suggestions to add a few more details to your query in order to amp up the tension.

    I really like the first two-fifty, but I couldn't decide whether I liked it with or without the first two lines, so I'm no help there. (I saw Jess's suggestion) I think it works either way.

    Nitpicky thing but, in the line:
    Leaning over my desk, I lift the window and warm afternoon air brushes against my face in a soft breeze. I might take out, "in a soft breeze." The air brushing against her face implies that it's soft and it makes the sentence seem a little more concise. Just my opinion. :)

    Good luck with this. I'm number 29 if you want to check it out. :)

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  5. I hate it when that happens Stacey! I do that too - with mine (44) I've added so much in, taken it out again, put it back. I think that's a really good sign though - means you have a good understanding of rhythm and flow and I think your writing definitely reflects that.

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    1. I think rhythm and flow is important to good writing. I have lots of action scenes in Forget-me-not and I think that the right rhythm really ups the tension.
      Going to check your entry out now, good luck!!

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  6. HI THERE! This sounds great amd most my notes are for the query! I'm going to take this query then first 250, so stick with me! ;)If you have any questions you can reply here and @ (@andimjulie) me on twitter to let me know you have a question!

    QUERY: My first thought was, "SECRET TECHNOLOGY?" You want to create questions in your query, but not frustrating questions. It's that line between enough info and being too vague. I think you could easily add another 100 words to your query. This is good news! That's a whole other paragraph to convince us why we should read your book! One question in particular I would really like to know the answer to: Is this some sort of modern day society with exceptions? (Think True Blood or The Curse Workers Series) You've got me really curious about the world! My last critique on the query is the introduction of the best friend. It's fine that he's described as protective, but I'm assuming that's in relation to the main chracter, so I would love to see a one-word description of him. Genius? Witty? Etc. Otherwise, he automatically feels a little one-dimensional when I'm sure that's not the case.

    First 250: I'm going to weigh in on the first two lines and say that I would cut them. I can't tell with only having read the first 250, but it feels like this is something you can show us over the course of the manuscript (Or maybe the first chapter?), rather than just tell us on the first page. Other than that, you've got some great details and I can fully feel the scene. Kudos!

    Good luck, 23!

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    1. Hi Julie,

      Thank you for such a wonderful detailed critique. :)I now want to go and completely rewrite my query! Yes this is a modern day society exactly like Trueblood - the society is secret in that the bulk of the population has no idea that it exists. I found it really difficult to get that across in the query.

      When you say a one word description of the best friend, do you mean in addition to protective or to replace protective. He is extremely playful and fun-loving. So would I say "With her playful and protective best friend."

      Oh and I didn't understand what you mean by see some comps??

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    2. Hi Stacey! That sounds awesome and I'm sure it's a challenge but I would find a way to work it in to the query especially since it's such a substantial part of your book!

      As for the best friend, it's up to you how you would like to describe him. But what I meant was this: By describing him as the protective best friend, we're hearing two things about him in relation to Anamae. 1. That he is protective ( of Anamae I'm assuming?) and 2. that he is a best friend...again to Anamae. So, since it feels like he plays such a large role, it would be great if you could give us a solid picture of him. Who is he without his bestfriend? If being fun-loveing is in his nature you could say, "fun-loving but protective best friend." Does that make sense? This is a nit-picking thing so don't stress about it!

      And the word "Comps" is publishing lingo for comparisons. (Always ask! There's a language to every industry!) Ex. FORGET-ME-NOT will interest fans of (author) and (author). Again you can use books or even movies, but this shows agents that a) you know the market and b) you understand where you fit in that market.

      Hope this was helpful!

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  7. Also would love to see some comps!

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  8. Ok, I've had another go at the pitch. I'd love some feedback on the revisions for anyone who is interested.:)

    Anamae is eight when her mother disappears. Nine years later, she innocently activates secret technology making her disappear from sight. Thrusting herself into danger, she’s forced into hiding from the unknown society concealing the magic-like technology from the public. With them hunting her, she’s unable to return home. Fear of being forgotten by those she loves leads headstrong Anamae into a fight to resume her normal life. With her fun-loving but protective best friend and a fierce new companion as allies, she struggles against the control of this despotic society determined to prevent her from exposing their many secrets. With technology exposed they’d be unable to control society and world events. Friendship, love and hope propel Anamae and her friends through a risky mission to both expose and escape the manipulation she never realised influenced her everyday life.

    Forget-me-not is set in a modern day world, much like our own. The only difference being the existence of advanced technology and a secret society that controls everything in the world from behind closed doors. It is a fast paced action /adventure with of plenty of tension and would appeal to Fans of Cassandra Clare’s The Mortal Instruments and Foxx’s Fringe.

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